Monday, 4 May 2020

- growth.

everyday I aspire to be and do different than the previous day, there's so many times where I've pushed and pushed people away, I've purposefully ruined good things because I used to be so scared of things just being okay.

I used to get so scared of just feeling comfortable, because I thought if you feel comfortable in any relationships, it just gets boring. 
like an old pair of shoes, you constantly wear em because they're the trusty old ones but the new ones are fresh and exciting, and it's like the honeymoon period until that gets too comfortable and I always shy away from it unless, I truly genuinely feel something real. 
and the amount of times I've genuinely just ruined something because I was so scared of it getting too comfortable, but the fact of the matter is now I strive to be a different person. 
I want to embrace love with both hands, if it gets too comfortable that's not always a bad thing, it shows that you're two people that are just in love. plain and simply. 

4 years ago, I was a shell of myself. 
anxious, depressed, but most of all I was in love. 
it was almost like I had a few different personas of me, there's the liv my boyfriend saw, the liv my family saw, the liv people at work saw, and then the actual liv. 

and it got exhausting, and I'd project so much negativity because I just didn't know how to deal with just being myself. 
it took for me to meet someone that legitimately broke my heart so badly, for me to just want to be myself and not be afraid to show people who I am. 

I used to be so anxiety ridden that I became quite a toxic person to be around, 
so this is me.
taking responsibility for my many fuck ups, apologizing for being the toxic person in your life. 

learn to be your authentic self, it took for someone to completely break me down for me to realise just how much I needed to be alone, to learn who liv was again.. 
what my likes and dislikes are, I needed to find passion in things, to see what I enjoyed doing and honestly, I'm happy being liv.

welcome to this new chapter,
stay groovy.