Saturday, 4 April 2020

lets recap -

my last post was about the struggle, and i'll be honest i was really in a dark place and it was a little cry for help.
i felt like the ground was suffocating me and there was no way out, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel of darkness. 
i know it feels like it's just getting darker and darker but i promise you, once you open up and talk to someone about how you're struggling, it does get better.

i'd told my bestfriend big man Keith because although you can talk to your family, there's just somethings you never wanna tell your parents or your siblings, and i told him to the extent of how i was feeling and i sought help. 

i went to the doctors on my break at work and just spilled my guts, i told the Dr everything and god, i cried.. alot.
but, it was the most freeing experience because to be honest, even if i wasn't gonna get help, nobody could say that i hadn't tried.

because at that point, i knew i was getting bad because suicide was the only thing i could think about, as much as i wanted to be here for my niece (not born yet!), i just couldn't face waking up every morning and that's one of the worst things about mental health.

you become a different version of yourself, a zombified version of myself.
i tried everyday to paint a smile on my face but honestly, there was a massive weight on my chest and my heart just felt heavy and i couldn't face my emotions at all.

BUT.. you should all know something,
you aren't alone, no matter how isolated you feel, no matter how loud the demons in your head get, you aren't alone.

i'll tell you all a little something, 
i loved a man that just weren't capable of loving me the way i so desperately wanted him too and i couldn't deal with that and my heart just craved a love he couldn't give me and it broke me.
i was a broken woman and at that moment, i decided never to let another person break me like that.

i took a week off work, i got prescribed some medication and i'm happy.

the world is all doom and gloom but your head doesn't have to be, you are the controller of your own fate.
you're always allowed to feel some self pity and have a pity party with yourself, you've got to allow yourself to feel these types of emotions but you can never let it break you.
reflect, let yourself be vulnerable but always have love in your heart.

so instead of signing off like i usually do, 
i wanna leave you with this,

be kind to your mind and love yourself..

lots of love and stay groovy,