Thursday, 7 February 2019

.. loss -..

loss is possibly one of the hardest things to write about because it stirs up all these emotions you were pushing away but I think if I don't write about this now, I never will..

so here goes...

life is full of loss, sometimes it happens more than others but that's the one thing everybody knows is going to happen, we're all going to lose somebody that we cared for and loved more than life itself but you grieve, you move on and most importantly you never forget the impact that person had on your life.

in October I lost my Grandpa and although I didn't really speak about it, it broke my heart beyond belief. I didn't really deal with it and my moods were all over the place, but what I learnt was that there's no right or wrong way to grieve for the death of someone you love.
you take each day as it comes and you appreciate the life you have around you..

and this one, well this ones a little different. he hasn't died, hes still alive but I've lost my bestfriend. 
I've lost someone I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever lose him and I guess that's what hurts the most really. 
I thought this person over something that wasn't my fault, I wish I could have said all the things I wanted too first but that's out of my control now. 
I'd like to thank him personally though, you made me feel loved when I felt my most unlovable, you showed me that actually there is people worth fighting for out there, and most importantly you made me learn to love myself when you left. 

the confidence you feel when you have amazing people around you shouldn't ever change because somebody's left. yes it hurts, it hurts every goddamn day but you can't live in hurt. 
you can't stay stuck in this dark little space called hurt because now you've got to think about yourself.
you've got to protect your mental health and make yourself your number one priority, because one day you'll wake up and have one of the worst moods and you'll end up thinking about this and all the whats ifs? but listen, you fought. you fought your goddamn hardest but you can't fight for people that don't want to be fought for. 
I know it's an absolutely shitty realisation but sometimes you've gotta face it, people are going to leave and it is going to hurt for a long time but you'll meet new people, you'll have people that want to stay in your life because they genuinely just love you and they're the people that'll make all this hurt worth it.

it took all the hurt and the sadness to find to light at the end of the darkness, and once you realise you are that light, it'll start to slowly stop hurting as much. 

"I'll hold up my universe and I hope you'll hold up yours too.."

L x