Monday, 17 December 2018

aaaaaaaaand i'm done.

 sometimes you just need a friend, someone that'll actually listen and give a fuck.
recently, i thought i had a good couple of friends but changes happen and it is what it is really. 
but sometimes you just want one bloody person to not turn into a dickbag, you know?

sadness.
miserable or melancholy are probably better words to describe it, it's more than sadness.
i could be in a room full of people yet i'd still be the loneliest, isolated from everybody because plain and simply i don't feel i fit in.

it's actually kinda unreal considering a couple months before i was feeling really bloody happy, everything was going into place and for the first time i felt settled like all the shit that happened before was so this could all happen and it made sense to begin with but now i've thought about it and realized this shit just aint right.
my heart is heavy and every day i wake up in a state of constant dread, and i dread going on about my day. doing the same thing, being around the same people that dislike me, belittle me, etc. 

it's like i constantly try to find this light, to find that one thing that makes it all worth it but the minute i start to find it and i get genuinely so content about it, the other shit just gets overwhelming and it feels suffocating, it feels like i'm trying so goddamn hard to keep it together but it's almost as if all the negative feelings have morphed into a person and it has its hands around my neck so it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

it's really fucking hard to even try and be positive about my current situation purely for the fact besides my family, nobody even understands. but on the rare occasion someone bothers to try an listen all i get is ''do whatever makes you happy'' blah blah blah.
if i knew what happy was then maybe i'd try and accomplish that but i don't.

it really really sucks.

ps - if anybody tries to correct my grammar, piss offfffff.

L x