Monday, 25 June 2018

Suicidalness.

Hello Reader, I'm Liv.

I have a good life, I have an amazing family.
I have a dog called Ronnie who makes my life seem complete.
But there's one thing.

I'm suicidal.

I don't want to die but I guess I don't really want to exist either. 
I sometimes dread waking up because I have to do the same stuff I did yesterday and the day before and the day before that and the day before that etc. 
I feel a certain dread that can only be described as when you're about to cry and you feel that HUGE lump in your throat? But it never goes away, no matter how many times you cry, it doesn't just go. 

Wanting to tell someone, just anyone but knowing they just won't understand and they'll dismiss it which would make you feel even worse so you don't talk. You don't tell anyone. 
You act and pretend like everything's okay until it gets to night time and you feel so alone. 
And it's unbelievably lonely. 

I feel incredibly lonely more than I care to admit, I hide alot of my feelings because I don't want anybody to bother trying to understand because people just don't get it, it always gets dismissed and I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable if I'm just gonna feel disheartened about it.

But, even feeling like this I'm still a great person. 
I just want to feel something, something more than this. 

I just want to be understood.
I just want to be okay. 

L x