Thursday, 1 March 2018

- anxiety + depression -

on a daily basis these two rule my life.
anxiety -
i overthink absolutely everything, i struggle to join into conversations over fear of saying the wrong thing, i get shaky and nervous over scenarios i've created in my own head.
i can barely make eye contact with you unless i'm ridiculously comfortable with you, anxiety gives me this huge fear of everything and it makes me second guess people that truly i shouldn't.
everything matters no matter how small or minuscule it seems to others.

depression -
exhaustion. loss of hope. it's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.
it's like swimming with rocks on your back, sinking trying to get above water, but every time you try and reach for that light above the water you sink further and fall harder every single damn time.

but living with both?

i'm being torn in different directions every day, it's like having an angel and the devil on each shoulder. it's wanting to do something, just getting out of the same old scenery but not having the strength to go shower, put clothes on and actually leave.
But when I do go out it's all of the physical symptoms of anxiety that present themselves, it's the stuff nobody likes to talk about..
getting the shakes, heartbeat going faster than it should, feeling like you could pass out any second, the feeling that your entire tummy is in one big knot getting tighter and tighter and lastly the nervous pee's and poop's..

And the worst thing about anxiety is the fact it could be the smallest of issues that make you feel anxious as hell, on a good day i can will myself out of bed, get ready etc and usually shit won't phase me as much as it would when i'm having a bad day.
the thing that makes me anxious etc could be a recent thing or something from years ago, it could be the most insignificant thing to happen YET i'll still spend hours to days overthinking every possible thing i did or said wrong.

i can go from being really happy one minute then i'll think about something and overthink it and change my mood within the space of 0.2 seconds. i can be my own worst enemy and it's genuinely fucking awful.
my own self doubt and my own 'trust' issues i guess constantly niggle at me every single day, it's like my head is already waiting for shit to go bad just so i can be like ''i told you so'', and then i put my barriers and defenses back up, time and time again.

- suicide -
it's something that used to be in my head constantly, should i? what if? what would happen? i'd spend hours and hours just thinking about it but i knew i could never act on it. i physically wanted more.
i wanted more than this.
i'd be having a really bad day and with them kinda days the feeling of nothingness, numbness and just nothing.
i'd be numb to the feelings, i couldn't laugh, be sad or whatever and getting to a point where you just wake up and look at the ceiling until it's time to close your eyes again and do it all over the next day that really fucking sucked.

i starved myself, i wanted control and at that time in my life i couldn't control anything so i found the next best thing. my eating.
obviously i rarely do that now but it all ties in, it all goes hand in hand together and honestly i think it makes an impact to this post anyway..

i suffer with anxiety and depression.
but there's more to me than mental illness.
right now though, 
i'm a beautiful young woman that struggles daily but has never given up, i've shown time and time again that i'm a fighter and it's never been in my nature to give up on myself or the people i love. 
self love and self care can be two of the most important things when you're struggling. 
i have some really really amazing people in my life and there's people that have never ever given up on me no matter how hard i get and for that i'l always be eternally grateful.

Remind yourself every single damn day that you're the baddest bitch, you're the Queen or King and you can conquer absolutely anything and if you tell yourself that enough then eventually you'll have that mindset. 

L x