Monday, 17 December 2018

aaaaaaaaand i'm done.

 sometimes you just need a friend, someone that'll actually listen and give a fuck.
recently, i thought i had a good couple of friends but changes happen and it is what it is really. 
but sometimes you just want one bloody person to not turn into a dickbag, you know?

sadness.
miserable or melancholy are probably better words to describe it, it's more than sadness.
i could be in a room full of people yet i'd still be the loneliest, isolated from everybody because plain and simply i don't feel i fit in.

it's actually kinda unreal considering a couple months before i was feeling really bloody happy, everything was going into place and for the first time i felt settled like all the shit that happened before was so this could all happen and it made sense to begin with but now i've thought about it and realized this shit just aint right.
my heart is heavy and every day i wake up in a state of constant dread, and i dread going on about my day. doing the same thing, being around the same people that dislike me, belittle me, etc. 

it's like i constantly try to find this light, to find that one thing that makes it all worth it but the minute i start to find it and i get genuinely so content about it, the other shit just gets overwhelming and it feels suffocating, it feels like i'm trying so goddamn hard to keep it together but it's almost as if all the negative feelings have morphed into a person and it has its hands around my neck so it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

it's really fucking hard to even try and be positive about my current situation purely for the fact besides my family, nobody even understands. but on the rare occasion someone bothers to try an listen all i get is ''do whatever makes you happy'' blah blah blah.
if i knew what happy was then maybe i'd try and accomplish that but i don't.

it really really sucks.

ps - if anybody tries to correct my grammar, piss offfffff.

L x


2 comments:

  1. Hi Olivia it's your friend timothy. I know exactly how you feel, i suffer from depression on and off, it usually comes in bouts, every 6 months or so. One moment i'm feeling super positive and full of energy, the next I also feel extremely isolated, like i do not have anyone to communicate with, you're not on your own. Sometimes i these kind of feelings can come about through investing too much energy into people that unfortunately do not appreciate what you've done, but that's normal. You're only human and do have limits. The best advice i can give you is to remember that these negative feelings won't last forever, you will be okay, take some time out for yourself, go and have coffee at a new cafe, sit down and write how you're feeling, just as you do on here. A lot of the things you seem to be looking for, a lot of the answers, more often than not can be found in silence. Chin up kiddo x

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    Replies
    1. Hey Tim, first of all - I bloody appreciate you. You always know some kind of answer to my most vulnerable questions.
      I know for a full on fact I do invest far too much into other people that really don’t deserve it but it is what it is. It’s a bad trait to have.

      I’m always only a message away if you ever wanna holla, keep your head up x

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