Monday, 17 December 2018

aaaaaaaaand i'm done.

 sometimes you just need a friend, someone that'll actually listen and give a fuck.
recently, i thought i had a good couple of friends but changes happen and it is what it is really. 
but sometimes you just want one bloody person to not turn into a dickbag, you know?

sadness.
miserable or melancholy are probably better words to describe it, it's more than sadness.
i could be in a room full of people yet i'd still be the loneliest, isolated from everybody because plain and simply i don't feel i fit in.

it's actually kinda unreal considering a couple months before i was feeling really bloody happy, everything was going into place and for the first time i felt settled like all the shit that happened before was so this could all happen and it made sense to begin with but now i've thought about it and realized this shit just aint right.
my heart is heavy and every day i wake up in a state of constant dread, and i dread going on about my day. doing the same thing, being around the same people that dislike me, belittle me, etc. 

it's like i constantly try to find this light, to find that one thing that makes it all worth it but the minute i start to find it and i get genuinely so content about it, the other shit just gets overwhelming and it feels suffocating, it feels like i'm trying so goddamn hard to keep it together but it's almost as if all the negative feelings have morphed into a person and it has its hands around my neck so it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

it's really fucking hard to even try and be positive about my current situation purely for the fact besides my family, nobody even understands. but on the rare occasion someone bothers to try an listen all i get is ''do whatever makes you happy'' blah blah blah.
if i knew what happy was then maybe i'd try and accomplish that but i don't.

it really really sucks.

ps - if anybody tries to correct my grammar, piss offfffff.

L x


Thursday, 6 December 2018

.. the joy of change.

alot of people are afraid of change. 
afraid of things not being the same routine based days, day in day out..

i used to crave routine, i couldn't deal with change like at all. not one bit, it made me feel like there was a constant eruption going on in my life and i had absolutely no control over it whatsoever. 
i feared change to the point where even if there was a slight change, my mood would instantly drop and i'd be stuck in my own head for a while.

now after being stuck in the monotony, i crave change.
change is what spurs me on in the morning, it's something i welcome with open arms and embrace it so so tightly.

i crave adventure and i have this real lust for life that i used to fear.

i always say i'm gonna get more posts out and be more frequent but honestly, sometimes writing scares me. putting my thoughts, feelings and my entire heart into every single post makes me feel more vulnerable than i like to be and i get that this is what this blog is but it still makes me bloody petrified.
once upon a time, this blog was the only thing keeping me sane and for some reason the thing keeping me sane is the very thing i'm writing about right now. bloody change.

change only happens if you invite it in, if you welcome it and treat it lovingly, change happens when your life is in need of it.
whether it be a job, a relationship, anything in general. if change happens in your life, and something out of your control happens. allow nature to just take its course, it will get better and if it doesn't then it's not quite over just yet.

and i'm goddamn happy for this change, it feels genuine and good.

i wish i could pour out the contents of my brain right now but i just can't.

Speak to you all soon hopefully.

L x