Monday, 26 March 2018

- the dangers of being misunderstood -

i've written this blog for about 3 years(ish) now and throughout it all people have come and waltzed straight out of my life, and that's because people don't understand. 
people don't understand the severity of mental illness, the day to day life with anxiety and depression. 
nobody see's the challenges, the breaking down 20 minutes before i have to go out, the crying the night before before i'm trying so hard not to just puke everywhere because my heads telling me somethings going to go wrong. 

so let me TRY and help you understand my personal struggles..

first of all, i'm not shy. i'm socially anxious, i tend to stay quiet because i'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, or to be misunderstood. ironically. 
i always without doubt use my phone as a crutch, if i'm in a situation where it's a room full of people i always reach for my phone, not that i get any messages but i play these dumb little games on my phone and eventually i'll feel like the world has decided to stop swallowing me whole. 
i personally feel like there's only one or two people in this world that actually understand me and it isn't because people don't try because they do but once they've assumed there's nothing else to understand they stop trying, they in my eyes give up trying. 
people romanticize depression and anxiety, like the amount of times i've heard someone say 
''i just want to make you better'', ''i just want to help fix this.'' 
and honestly, you want to help fix me? am i broken in your eyes then? 

i'm not some piece of glass you can just glue back together, i'm not some broken fragile mess. 
i genuinely can't explain my frustrations when people say this because i don't portray myself as broken, i don't allow them to see me vulnerably just for them to assume i'm broken. 
i'm severely depressed, there's a difference. 
i'm on antidepressants to ''fix'' me, i don't need someone being romantically involved with me if that's all they see.

i think about suicide alot, but that doesn't mean when the going gets tough i'm just going to do that. 
purely for the fact it takes an incredibly strong person to actually do that and i know for a fact i'm not strong enough. 
i have hope, i always expect the worst but i hope for the best. 

i don't entirely believe in religion but when i'm at my worst, i pray. i don't pray to a God which sounds dumb but i always reach out for the help, i'll reach out to my Grandad.
i didn't get to meet him when i got old enough to remember him but i've seen pictures and when i'm breaking down, my face is swollen from all the crying, i want him to take my pain away. 
i get how dumb it sounds but when you're at your absolute lowest you just want someone to take that pain away and yeah. 

i'm anxious, anxious as hell. yet people can't understand why sometimes i can just force myself to do certain things like get on trains, go outside of my house, go to someone else's house etc. 
i have anxiety attacks about doing all of that though, i always have to wake up like 6 hours earlier because i always think maybe i'm gonna miss my train, maybe i'm gonna get lost. 
i can put myself in these situations because i'm so scared everyone will think differently of me.

if i didn't have some kinda hope, i wouldn't be here. 
i just want someone to not give up on trying, mental illness is a complex thing but when the person suffering loves you and just wants you to listen without them having to comfort you because again, you didn't like what they said is alot worse. 
i always try to be silent about my struggles, i always try to keep everything to myself and that's more unhealthy than i like to admit. 

so please, if you or someone you know suffers with mental illness of any kind, just listen. don't talk, don't try to comfort them, just let them get everything out, even if that means them ending up sobbing their hearts out, let them. 
for someone to allow themselves to be vulnerable in front of you, that shows they trust you, they respect you and they just want someone to finally listen because they're so used to people giving up. 
prove them wrong, prove to them you won't just get up and leave after they've said everything, prove to them you're actually different to everyone else. 

L x

Tuesday, 13 March 2018

- Antidepressants -

 antidepressants are quite scary. 
for me personally anyway, it was at the most pivotal moment when i decided i needed to be on them.

i'd had a rough day, i'd ended up crying over something and it was crying to the point of not being able to breathe, i'd built up all these feelings and i'd bottle it up every single time so when i did eventually just breakdown, i BROKE down. 
to the point where i just couldn't stop crying, no real reason but i just couldn't stop and i needed help. 

and that's me in a nutshell, i bottle everything up and so i'm just a ticking time bomb of tears ready to happen. 
i didn't wanna be on antidepressants not because of the stigma around them but because they make you put weight on and if you've previously read any of my other posts you'll know that's something i absolutely dread. so after a while i just stopped taking them because i was scared of getting sick again. 

and then it'd happen over and over again until i felt like i was finally stable enough in my recovery of anorexia that i could put weight on without it being the end of the world, so i decided to give antidepressants another go. 
it took me ages to finally find the pill right for me, some had lactose in and i'm allergic, some made me see things that weren't there, some just generally made me feel worse and then the 'magic pill' came along. 

it finally felt like a weight off my shoulders, i personally began to feel like a lost cause and that nothing was ever going to help but it has. 
don't get me wrong, it's taken since my early teens to now to actually find something that works and is effective. i remember being so against pills not for anyone else but for me because i know pills do work but it takes time for them to actually work and you've got to be patient and know that pills aren't just a quick fix like some may think. 

i still on occasion have my little breakdowns but that's just because i absolutely hate talking about my feelings, i absolutely hate being vulnerable to anyone and i guess sometimes my own feelings scare me. 
anxiety, depression and my eating disorder they all still have their voices very prominent in my mind, on a bad day it could go from 0 - 100 real damn quick but i'm learning how to keep them at the back of my mind because i know damn well they aren't just going to leave. 

i'm the one that's in control and you've always got to think about what's the best possible solution for you, whether it be counselling or medication or something completely different. there's always a solution and you'll always find it no matter how long it takes. 

L x

Thursday, 1 March 2018

- anxiety + depression -

on a daily basis these two rule my life.
anxiety -
i overthink absolutely everything, i struggle to join into conversations over fear of saying the wrong thing, i get shaky and nervous over scenarios i've created in my own head.
i can barely make eye contact with you unless i'm ridiculously comfortable with you, anxiety gives me this huge fear of everything and it makes me second guess people that truly i shouldn't.
everything matters no matter how small or minuscule it seems to others.

depression -
exhaustion. loss of hope. it's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.
it's like swimming with rocks on your back, sinking trying to get above water, but every time you try and reach for that light above the water you sink further and fall harder every single damn time.

but living with both?

i'm being torn in different directions every day, it's like having an angel and the devil on each shoulder. it's wanting to do something, just getting out of the same old scenery but not having the strength to go shower, put clothes on and actually leave.
But when I do go out it's all of the physical symptoms of anxiety that present themselves, it's the stuff nobody likes to talk about..
getting the shakes, heartbeat going faster than it should, feeling like you could pass out any second, the feeling that your entire tummy is in one big knot getting tighter and tighter and lastly the nervous pee's and poop's..

And the worst thing about anxiety is the fact it could be the smallest of issues that make you feel anxious as hell, on a good day i can will myself out of bed, get ready etc and usually shit won't phase me as much as it would when i'm having a bad day.
the thing that makes me anxious etc could be a recent thing or something from years ago, it could be the most insignificant thing to happen YET i'll still spend hours to days overthinking every possible thing i did or said wrong.

i can go from being really happy one minute then i'll think about something and overthink it and change my mood within the space of 0.2 seconds. i can be my own worst enemy and it's genuinely fucking awful.
my own self doubt and my own 'trust' issues i guess constantly niggle at me every single day, it's like my head is already waiting for shit to go bad just so i can be like ''i told you so'', and then i put my barriers and defenses back up, time and time again.

- suicide -
it's something that used to be in my head constantly, should i? what if? what would happen? i'd spend hours and hours just thinking about it but i knew i could never act on it. i physically wanted more.
i wanted more than this.
i'd be having a really bad day and with them kinda days the feeling of nothingness, numbness and just nothing.
i'd be numb to the feelings, i couldn't laugh, be sad or whatever and getting to a point where you just wake up and look at the ceiling until it's time to close your eyes again and do it all over the next day that really fucking sucked.

i starved myself, i wanted control and at that time in my life i couldn't control anything so i found the next best thing. my eating.
obviously i rarely do that now but it all ties in, it all goes hand in hand together and honestly i think it makes an impact to this post anyway..

i suffer with anxiety and depression.
but there's more to me than mental illness.
right now though, 
i'm a beautiful young woman that struggles daily but has never given up, i've shown time and time again that i'm a fighter and it's never been in my nature to give up on myself or the people i love. 
self love and self care can be two of the most important things when you're struggling. 
i have some really really amazing people in my life and there's people that have never ever given up on me no matter how hard i get and for that i'l always be eternally grateful.

Remind yourself every single damn day that you're the baddest bitch, you're the Queen or King and you can conquer absolutely anything and if you tell yourself that enough then eventually you'll have that mindset. 

L x