As promised part 2.
What does suicide mean to me?
For me, it means my fight is finally over. It means being too strong for so long and then finally accepting defeat.
It's something I've spent alot of time thinking about, I always used to thin about how I'd do it, when I'd do it, what would happen after?
It got to a point where I no longer cared about any of that, I just wanted to be gone. I wanted to feel free, like if my favourite song is on and I get up and dance I wanna feel that type of free but all the time. It's become a daily thought of mine again, I know I'm struggling and I know that's okay but I don't wanna always feel this unpredictability that comes with anxiety and depression.
I don't know if I'll wake up feeling good and want to actually get dressed and go out or if I'll want to stay in bed all day just looking at my ceiling wanting to just disappear.
Don't get me wrong I don't wanna die, I just sometimes I wish I just didn't exist because feeling the way I do is a complete mindfuck.
One day I can be SO happy like literally proper beamin with happiness and the next I'm trying to stop myself from breaking down every 2 seconds.
Even when I'm feeling my absolute worst I'll plaster this fake ass smile on my face so nobody can see my vulnerability, I've always been scared of people seeing me be vulnerable. I've always hated showing any sad or upset emotion, I don't want people to perceive me as 'weak' or 'delicate' because I'm neither of those things.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.