Friday, 28 April 2017

.depression.

Dark. Alone. Numb.

For the past couple of weeks I've felt the worst I've ever felt. I'd make plans just to only cancel last minute, I make excuses to not leave my house unless it's absolutely necessary. 
I know I'm not alone yet that doesn't stop me from feeling like I am.

I've always been a person that HATES to be emotional yet I can't stop, I've felt like breaking down so so many times and I don't even know what's wrong with me. 
The problem is it feels as though nobody understands me, I can't just get out of this mood. I've tried but it feels suffocating and the more I try to get control of my emotions I become more and more exhausted so it's like a battle I'm slowly losing.

I have no motivation to do anything, I don't feel like going out, I don't feel like getting dressed. 
My emotions are all bellowing at each other inside my mind and I know there's no escape like I feel trapped and nothing and no one can help.
I still laugh and smile but it isn't a genuine one, it just makes people think I'm still hangin in there. 
Still holding onto whatever hope I still have. 

I know sometime it'll pass and my plans will start to come into affect but right now, it's hard to even get out of bed. 
I don't belong, I don't fit in and I feel more alone than ever. 

I can't explain the darkness that I'm feeling right now but I hope it goes away soon.
Holding back tears and keeping my emotions in is something I'm not immune too, it doesn't affect me like it used too. I feel lost really. There's no other way to explain it, it's as if everything I once knew isn't actually what happened and the people I've met, the memories I made aren't how I once pictured them to be. 
I once thought being in love with your best friend and just being with someone was the BEST thing in the entire universe but it isn't. The pain you feel when the person YOU thought of as your best friend leaves you, it's a fucking dreadful pain. 

It isn't the relationship that I miss so please whoever reads this don't get it twisted, I miss my best friend. I hadn't had a proper best friend living down in Norfolk ever, so when he came along I was literally so happy because he was literally me but a guy. I was at his almost every single week, I got on well with his mam and his sister and shit felt good for once.

Then it ended. But it didn't not in my head no, we still spoke every single day, I spent the weekend with him a month ago maybe so in my head he was always going to be there. I miss his mam, his sister and his dog but him not so much.

I lost one bestfriend and I gained two absolute angels, and you know they let me know when I'm being a dickhead and the other day I told them I was really struggling and even though we don't see eachother they tried there absolute best to make me try and see myself how they see me {obviously I don't but the fact they tried makes all the difference}.

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this post but yeah, enjoy. 

L x