I never understood.
I always thought anxiety was just being a little nervous every now an again which I thought was totally normal. I thought depression was just being a little sad which I also assumed was perfectly normal (of course its normal but that isn't my point.)
I never understood when you'd read on the internet or in books that people could actually be suicidal.
I never realised how bad shit could get to make you feel like that until it happened to me.
I never wanted to have 'that' conversation you know, I never wanted anybody to know I wasn't okay. Not for the fact I was scared of what they'll think but because I knew if I started to speak about it it'd seem real. I didn't want that.
I wanted to keep plastering on this smile and pretending everything's okay. I wanted everybody to think I was happy and content with everything yet I wasn't.
I didn't want anybody's opinion of me to change, I didn't want anybody thinking I'm weak or delicate.
I wanted everybody to think I'm strong and I'm okay but really, I wasn't.
I wasn't okay, I was starving myself, I was constantly crying myself to sleep.
I felt as if I didn't fit in anywhere, although I have a nice house and everything else I didn't feel at home.
I felt lost. Alone. Misunderstood.
I became very secretive, I wouldn't want to talk about it, I still don't but I force myself too.
Talking is so so necessary because it elimates the stigma surrounding mental health, it's an uncomfortable topic for some people but it shouldn't be.
Everyone talks about broken bones or having the flu or just general physical health yet so many people shy away from talking about mental health.
It's seen as a very taboo subject but it shouldn't be. It should be a welcomed conversation, people need to know that if they try and reach out to friends, family etc they won't be laughed at or belittled about it.
People don't realise the effect words can have on you especially when you're vulnerable and in need of help.
I created this blog to not only help people suffering but to help people understand. even now after so long of writing this blog people just assume being anxious means your worried. However it isn't, anxiety is literally crippling, it's constantly second guessing yourself, it's feeling alone in a room full of people and so so many other things.
For me personally, anxiety is internally screaming 'YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!' and externally just plastering a smile on my face to get shit over and done with. It's spending the day feeling anxious as fuck yet not saying anything til you're alone in your bedroom and it feels like there's still a million and one things still going round your head.
'why did I say that?'
'will they think differently of me?'
'did I look ok today?'
'could they tell I weren't okay?'
I know alot of people that try and one up you after you say you've had a fucking dreadful day and you just need to vent so when a friend, a colleague or family members come up to you and just wanna vent. Try to just listen, take in what they're saying and don't even try give them a helpful resolution, just listen.
Let them know you're there and I can guarantee you they'll start to realise how strong they are and you'll be helping them more than you realise.