Friday, 14 April 2017

..TO my body..

On this blog I have done several 'letters to' people in my life, young liv and I never ever thought about writing one to my body but the biggest apology letter has to be done for it so enjoy and there will be more consistent posts coming up soon!

Dear MY body..
I gave up on you. 
I made you weak.
I made you sick and constantly tired.

I wanted control. 
I couldn't control who liked me or who didn't, I couldn't control what happened at School.
I always thought of myself as a really mentally strong and physically strong person, I still believe I am mentally strong however.. I just wanted to give up. 

I had never believed that I'd ever just get to a point where I'd gave up on myself but I'd gotten to a point where I could feel I was, slowly..

My once soft skin became pierced by my protruding collar bones,
My eyes once full of light and colour became sunken in and exhausted, 
My hair once thick and luxurious became weak, frail and slowly fell out.
My once bubbly happy personality turned into this dark place, 
I used to bite my nails til they bled but I felt no pain,
I became introverted and absolutely hated going out, 
I covered you in baggy clothing so nobody could see how unhealthy I'd made you, 
but the truth is..

You were slowly giving up, you became weaker and food became an enemy. 

And after everything I put you through, you didn't give up on me, you made me stronger and didn't let me give up. We take our bodies for granted every single day, but mine didn't give up on me which made me realise I can't give up on it and neither can you. 
Eating disorders can break you, they can make you feel like you're nothing without it but the truth is you are. You're EVERYTHING without it. 

We tend to feel scared over the thought of recovery and believe me I was absolutely terrified of what was to come. I realised that recovery was actually so much harder than anorexia itself, the fight isn't only physical but it's mentally as well. Try being so scared of your own thoughts, you can't escape them but YOU want too. You want to feel free of hating yourself, you want to get better this time.

I had to be strong mentally to be able to properly look after myself and ever since then I made it my mission to look after myself, put my needs first and sometimes I really look after myself so I don't start slippin back into old habits. 

My body never gave up on me, it almost started too but I fought back. It never stopped trying to let me know I was starving, it never stopped hurting and it kept letting me know it needed help. I got the help, I learnt to love myself.

I love the stretchmarks that cover my thighs, 
I love the way I have identical freckles on the inner corner of my eyes, 
I love the way my face looks as soon as I've woken up, 
I love my red crimson colour when it's curly and out of place,
And most of all I love how my body looks. 


 I've became confident, full of life and most importantly I've become grateful. 
Grateful that in my struggle I kept fighting, no matter how many tears I shred, no matter how many nights I'd cry myself to sleep wishing I'd die.
I fought in the most brutal battle a young woman could fight, I fought the battle within myself and I've come out so much stronger. 

I always preach about not giving up but honestly, I mean it. YOU all deserve the absolute world and I know how tough and hard it can be the fight battles in your own head but you will, and you'll continue fighting til you beat it. 
You're so important and you're worth it. 

Never ever ever give up on yourself.

L x