Friday, 24 February 2017

...what's life REALLY like with an eating disorder?

You see so many ''pro - Ana'' and ''pro - Mia'' pages on Instagram and tumblr and they always have the same images. A pretty young girl trying to lose weight. 
That isn't how it really is to have an eating disorder. 
Let me give you MY insight into what life is truly like whilst living with this..

Crippling. Paralyzing. Broken. 
3 words that described my life, I felt broken because I wanted to look like every other girl my age. I ween't overweight or chubby, I was just a normal healthy weight but I hated it. 
I wasn't from around Norfolk so I hadn't built these friendships up like everybody else had so it was becoming harder and harder to make friends with people. 
I got called ''fat'' by this girl and her friends and after a while I could see exactly what they were talking about. 

I saw these stretch marks on my legs and I hated it, my mama just said it was a normal part of getting older and growing but I DIDN'T want them. They made me feel like as I got more of them I was getting fatter and fatter and I felt like I was fighting against being what I thought was fat. However that isn't the case, I was getting bigger.. I was getting smaller.

The thought of food made me feel sick, I wanted to go to school and make friends and do all that other bullshit that people say you should do in high school yet I couldn't. I could barely walk out of my house without thinking everybody's just staring at how fat and ugly I was. 
There was a point where I thought I'd try go and go into school for a couple hours, so I got ready and then it came time to put the uniform on and I just couldn't. I felt weak and ashamed that I was so full of fear of doing something so simple. 

One of the times I went to counselling I had to get weighed but I had to get undressed and although my mum was in the room with me I was ashamed for someone to see my body looking like this. Completely skin and bones. You literally lose your dignity and you barely feel human anymore well I didn't. 

I felt like no matter how many counselors or doctors I spoke to none of them could understand me. None of them could understand that I no longer wanted to be helped with this, I had given up on myself.
With writing this blog I always get asked if I've ever felt suicidal and if so why did I never go to self harm? I never self harmed because me starving myself already was harming me slowly and slowly I got worse. My doctor had concluded that this was my way of self harm, because I didn't want to exist. I was absolutely done with everything and I just wanted it to all be over.

The worst part of an eating disorder though, was recovery for me personally. 
If I had bad days them voices would come back and all I'd hear was ''you're fat'', ''don't eat that, you'll look even worse'' and the voices would get louder and feel more powerful but then I had to think, are these actual thoughts about myself or are these thoughts of Ana? 
And it was that mindset that helped me get better and eventually become stronger. 
I learnt how to separate the actual thoughts of myself to the ones my eating disorder made me think. I learnt how to love my flaws and love the things about myself I grew hating about myself like my stretch marks, I LOVE them. My scar on my elbow, I think it looks cool as fuck (although it's still a huge insecurity of mine). 

This post is to make people that haven't gone through eating disorders or anything like that to fully understand. Understanding that it doesn't just go away, it's ALWAYS there however the way you manage it is completely different with everybody. It's been a while since I had them feelings about myself and it isn't always easy to control them but I'm stronger and self love is one of the most important key things when in recovery. 
Learning to love yourself after you've hated yourself for so long is hard but it's one of the most rewarding things. You learn to love the little things and spend less time focusing on the things the things you disliked about yourself.

Learn to love the little things about yourself because you deserve to see what everybody else can, 

L x