Wednesday, 22 February 2017

...body issues.

I can only talk about my personal body issues because of course we're all different but here's my lil story of my body issues past and current..
I never thought I was ''fat'' or even ''overweight'' until I got called that alot and then all of a sudden I'd look in mirrors and I'd look at my body for so long I'd find faults in absolutely everything. 
My legs? Too fat. My belly? Too big.
Literally, when I was younger I had these beautiful freckles on my face and at the time I absolutely hated them, everyone else and my mama loved them but I despised them so I always no matter what went to High School covered in make up - okay I always wore make up alot darker than my actual skin tone because I'm a pale woman that could never find her shade hahaha.

But anyway back to the point...

I'd always stare at my body in mirrors before I'd shower and I'd always wanna change my body because I always felt ''fat'', like I wasn't but in my head I literally had these voices in my head telling me how fat and ugly I was. No matter what anybody would say to me, these thoughts would overpower everything. They consumed my every being and these voices controlled me, I'd feel like crying at just the thought of eating yet for a while this was my own little secret. I thought maybe people would just think I'm losing weight and developing properly but really? I wasn't. 
I wasn't healthy, far from it actually and it was becoming more obvious, I was always getting weighed at the doctors or I was always at counselling sessions. 
The thing nobody could ever understand? I didn't want help. 
I didn't want to get better then go to school and pretend I'm happy being there. 

School used to be a safe haven because I loved it, I loved English and History. I just loved learning new shit but then after everything had happened there and I started going there again I hated it. 
I was constantly reminded that although I wasn't getting any better any quicker, School was constantly changing and everyone had moved on.. apart from me. 
I was so absorbed by this eating disorder and nobody at school could understand, I remember going back to my first lesson and people had asked where I'd been, what am I supposed to say back to that? Once I'd had one day off, I became overly comfortable in that so I'd have another and another and another because I fucking hated school.

Now? I still have the same body issues apart from I have a different mentality now. I became alot stronger, I have to be strong because I know how easy it is to slip back into old bad habits and quite frankly I don't want that. I am confident, I don't look at my body and think ''oh I'd love to change this'' or ''I'm still so fat'' I think this is something so strong because when I've been feeling weak mentality it still carries on. I am still able to breathe and feel and although my feelings sometimes scare me, I'd rather feel something than not feel at all.

This post isn't to encourage starving yourselves, it's for you all out there struggling to know that although the place you are in right now is one of the worst places to be mentality, you WILL become better than this, this doesn't define you and once you realise that you're one of the most important human beings on this planet. You'll realise just how fucking great you all are. 

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Keep fighting baby. 

L x thoughts now.

My brain is one jumbled mess right now, you know I used to be so insecure about myself that I would  constantly have these negative thoughts going round and round in my head and it drove it absolutely crazy.
Old and new people have come into my life recently and you know I'm a very different person to how I was back then don't get me wrong yet the people that once left me ALWAYS come back. Like honestly, why? I don't care what's new in your life, I don't care if you're seeing someone.

Honestly, if you've chose to get the fuck outta my life then stay out because what's the point of coming back when I'm getting my shit together, I'm feeling so much stronger than when you actually knew me and you come back into my life acting like nothings changed when everything has changed. You get so consumed by the negativeness portrayed by other people that you start to lose yourself in that.
You lose yourself trying to help somebody else and that's not cool, it can take decades building yourself up to the truly amazing person you are an it can take less than 5 shitty minutes to completely change your outlook on yourself and I hate that.

People aren't born with this huge confidence it's built up over time and when I was younger I was loud and funny and I didn't care about anything and until I got to Fakenham High School that kid that was so full of life became this empty shell of herself.
I'll be honest, it took someone breaking her heart and then her seeing someone who constantly wanted her to go out and meet the people he hung round with to give her confidence again.

I personally have to thank so many people I've met since after my birthday, there's good and bad but you all contributed to me gaining this huge confidence within myself which I hadn't had in YEARS so I appreciate that.
With this new confidence comes a new attitude, and I've become stronger and more passionate about helping others like me.

L x