Monday, 23 January 2017

What I want you to know about my mental illness?...

It isn't me.
It isn't a choice.
I hate it.

If I could pick a life without anxiety I'd have it without a second thought. Fair enough my anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be but it still has its moments and when it does, it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
Having anxiety isn't being nervous about something or if your mood changes because of it it doesn't mean I'm moody. It means I need understanding and I need you to realise that this isn't a choice to me at all.

I'd rather just be moody then feel this anxious, anxiety is fucking crippling and it stops you from doing so so many things. There was a point where my anxiety was that bad I couldn't even leave my own fucking house, I don't have many friends and the friends I do have I don't even dare talk to them about this. I used to feel like I'm some broken mess that can't ever be fixed and these past few weeks have shown that I'm not broken, not even a little bit but I still have hurdles to go through and I have to realise that it isn't just going to go away that easy.

I always feel like I have to put this facade on, I know it seems so silly but I use my make up as my confident self. I wear it every single day and it makes me so goddamn happy because it's a like a new liv on top of the old liv and honestly, that's why I wear make up.
It makes me happy.

The media shows mental illness as being someone crazy that hurts people or kills people etc. You know people have murdered and hurt so so many people and then they've pleaded insanity, alot of people have done horrible crimes because of certain undiagnosed however not that doesn't mean everyone with a mental illness is someone crazy.
The stigma is so so high surrounding mental health that so many people don't speak up that are needing the help because they get so afraid of what people will say. People judge if you try and get help and people will judge if you don't - so YOU have to ignore the people that are hatin and focus on the ones that are trying to help because they'll only deter you from feeling better within yourself.

One thing I'd like people to not do though is take pity or sympathy on me, I have got over years of bullying, I have gotten over an eating disorder - I AM a fucking warrior.

L x

MY ANXiETY.

I call it mine because the bitch has been with me for so long now it's become apart of me, so let's get crackin with this post..

My anxiety affects EVERYTHING. I can go from smiling and feeling so fricking good to then just wanting to get under my duvet and stay there for weeks.. but one thing I have realised is that even though every day's a fucking challenge for me, I put my feelings aside and be there for the person that needs me and that's one thing anxiety cannot control me over. 
When I thought I was weak and unlovable I found out that I loved the hardest, I gave everything for what I loved and I'd do it all over again too. 

Having anxiety yet wanting everybody to think you're this confident outgoing person is hard as fuck because when you get closer and the people know you better and then they find out about my anxiety, they struggle to understand because I portrayed myself as someone super confident and all that. 

Being in a relationship whilst having anxiety is literally like being in a three way relationship, it causes unnecessary arguments but one thing I did appreciate is that whenever I needed reassurance I ALWAYS got it,  I always got that constant feeling of I'm not in this alone and he had me, which he did..

I used to love just being by myself, I much preferred my company over anybody else's but I'd overthink.. it could start off as something little, and then it'd get bigger and bigger and BIGGER. Something that wasn't that much of a big deal, became the thing my mind would constantly worry about. My favourite feeling became numb, I'd rather feel numb to everything than feel happy or sad because then your feelings effect you more.
I go out to fill the void, fill the feeling of nothing. I used to fucking love feeling nothing and numb, but going from feeling something to nothing wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted to feel how I felt before, happy and content with how shit was going.

Because I still struggle massively with my eating, whenever I feel sad I stop myself from eating and I literally have to force myself to eat otherwise I won't eat. My throat closes up and I just get so upset with everything like it isn't just one thing that causes it. It's loads of little things that add together and form this big black hole in my life and yeah.
I struggle to get close with people because I used to have this huge fear of everybody just suddenly leaving me one day and I always get attached to people way too quickly so I have to sort of distance myself from people alot of the time and they always think it's shady but they don't get why I do it and I wish I didn't but it's just what I do I guess.

I guess I just gotta try harder to overcome this bullshit.

Until next time.

L x



darkness.

Depression. 
That dark place in your mind that starts off as a small dark hole that slowly gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Combine that with anxiety and an eating disorder - you have your own personal hell. 
I already hated myself so how much worse could I get? I was on the verge of completely giving up on myself, I didn't give a fuck about anything. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care what people thought of me, I just didn't care at all. 

Sometimes I wish I still had that mentality because I do care what people think and I do care about how I look. Sometimes I think about good it'd be to not have to take 2 hours just to be able to feel confident enough to go out. 
I don't always have mega bad days but when I do I'm numb. I literally don't feel anything other than broken and I know I'm not broken but my mind tells me I'm this really fragile broken thing that by the slightest thing can make me break down and I physically know I'm not broken but I can't get myself out of that mindset. 

Right now, I have so many thoughts going round and round in my head and it's hard to talk to other people about it because people don't understand and it's hard to try and make someone understand when they literally have absolutely no idea what you're going through.
I met someone a while ago, let's call them D and we got so well but there was someone who thought that was weird because we hadn't known eachother long yet I trusted him insane amounts, I get vibes off people and he just made me feel so at ease and I liked that - plus he's northern too which of course made me trust him more. 

It sucks because we don't talk at all now but there's just something so endearing about D and he actually read a couple of my blog posts so he took the time to understand more about me and for that I'm grateful. 

I feel like I'm always on my guard so I never seem vulnerable and I hate that, I hate that for so long I would have done anything to feel something other than broken and now I'm kinda fearful of feeling happy. I've mentioned that a couple of times now but tonight I'm really just feeling it. I always hold alot of my feelings back because I don't wanna come off too strong and then people always assume I don't care or that I'm shady as fuck when I'm literally FAR from it. I've always held alot of my feelings back, for fear of it not working out and me ending up hurt.. so alot of the time I act like I don't care about a situation when I do. 

I'm a happy depressed person, that'll make no sense to you but lemme explain it..
I can go out, see my friends etc and feel happy, however I'm in a constant darkness which gets very lonely and nobody can understand that. It's like one side of me is all rainbows and unicorns and the others dull and grey.

Never give up on yourself. 

L x