Monday, 16 January 2017

eating disorders part 3?

Hey guys, hope you've been enjoying my last couple of posts and I've wrote alot about eating disorders however alot of the stuff I've missed out because I just wasn't ready to talk about shit like that but here goes...

Eating disorders aren't pretty or on trend, it isn't wanting to have the smallest waist and have an amazing figure etc. 
Eating disorders are ugly and can make you literally hate everything about yourself. I didn't always struggle with eating and I didn't even care if I put weight on either, however things had happened and then suddenly my weight became the biggest and most important thing to me. 

I became really secretive about it because I didn't want anybody to know, they'd try to help me and at that point I didn't want help. I wanted this to be my own little secret and I had so many things constantly going round and round in my head and it's hard to feel good when everything i your head is convincing you you're fat, you're ugly etc. 

I always had to go to hospitals and the doctors just to get weighed and I remember one time I had to stand on these scales in just my underwear to be weighed and it was one of the most demeaning things I had to go through yet I still couldn't push myself to eat. I was so scared of putting weight on and it'd literally be my biggest fear. Like if I put weight on I'd be so unhappy and just want to cry my eyes out. 
It's so hard to not be able to do something that's so fucking easy for everybody else, I just wanted to be normal and I couldn't be because I had this whole weight surrounding me and I thought I'd never be free of it. 

In one of the counselling sessions I had, I had to sit around this table with other people my age and younger that suffered with an eating disorder as well and we all had to eat all of our packed lunch. It's absolutely horrible to try and eat when the thought of even putting food near my mouth made me just wanna be sick and run outta that room as far as I could. 
Seeing other people suffer with the same thing I suffered with really opened my mind though, I couldn't see how bad it was getting and how skinny I was becoming like it got so goddamn unhealthy. 

But it wasn't just my weight that suffered with me not eating, my skin suffered, my bones literally still suffer and I was actually starting to lose my hair because I weren't eating anything and I used to be so bothered about my appearance yet I didn't care anymore. I had completely given up on myself and I just didn't want to exist anymore. 

Eating disorders are so dangerous and harmful, never ever feel like you're alone and have nowhere to go or turn too because feeling like you've only got yourself is such a shitty hard feeling and it makes things so so much worse. I wish I had the courage to talk to someone like truly just be open about what I was doing but I was so scared of everything, I was scared I'd get put into hospital and never see my mama again and I was scared I'd have to constantly hide things about school. 

Right now, my eating habits have changed alot actually. I eat more than I used too but I'm not 100% about the way I look and I'll probably always have that issue but aslong as I can realise that I'm not fat and I'm not ugly and I'm not as bad as I tell myself I am then I hope I'll be just fine eventually. 
I'm better than I think I am, I constantly put myself down over everything when I really shouldn't because the way I treat myself lets other people decide how they should treat me and if I treat myself so badly then others will think that's acceptable for them and that isn't right at all.

You ARE important, 

You ARE worth it.

You ARE amazing..

L x

Gangsters mental health - part 1

This post is going to be SUPER different, I'm insanely fascinated by British history which includes British gangsters, the ones I'm most interested in are the Kray twins.. Ronnie and Reggie Kray were two of the most notorious gangsters in England as well as the Richardsons etc.

However, Ronnie Kray was most known for his mental illnesses - he's known as the 'crazy one'. 

He was first labelled insane and then later got diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic at the age of 22 whilst in prison. A lot of people feared him because he was such an unpredictable person and nobody could ever tell what he was going to do next. 
What I find particularly interesting though is he has an identical twin Reggie, so what made Ronnie so different compared to his own twin? Identical twins always have a 70% chance of either having bipolar disorder OR schizophrenia, non genetic factors play a huge role in the onset of these diseases. 

''Scientists have found that it isn't only genetic variations that are important. The epigenetic differences may tell us more about the causes of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, as some alterations were specific to either disease. Importantly, epigenetic processes are potentially reversible meaning that this research could open up new avenues for the development of novel therapeutic drugs.''

So, as well as him having schizophrenia he would take drugs which would inevitably make things so much worse. He was known to do Ecstasy which can also cause psychotic illnesses - so add that to his paranoid schizophrenia it most likely contributed to him committing crimes. Although he was always high as fuck on drugs and living with this unpredictable disease he still kept his morals of not hurting children and women which is pretty interesting because you'd think he wouldn't give a damn, yet he was such a well feared man yet still so well respected whether it's for the wrong reasons, it's upto you all to decide. 

However, I think he's one of the most fascinating people on this planet. I've always been so interested about gangsters and serial killers because really they're just ordinary people yet they can do some of the most heinous crimes - this will be a new little chapter on my blog for a little bit just to see how you all respond an if you like it or not and if not I'll come up with some other ideas but for now I hope you all enjoyed it and yeah hit em up with ideas. 

L x