Sunday, 17 December 2017

- a lil reflection on this year -

Last year I was incredibly insecure, I was struggling with anxiety really bad, I was wasting so much on someone that didn't even deserve half an hour of my time. 
Anyway, I vowed to myself that since that I was gonna work on myself and if I met someone during that time then wicked but I wasn't going to purposefully set out and actually look for a relationship.

I put that extra bit of effort into my blog and I put everything into this and slowly I felt more like myself, I found this inner confidence and I didn't have to fake the whole body posi etc, I grew to love my flaws, I grew to love the things I always used to hate. 
Eventually whilst I was finding what makes me happy, someone came into my life and honestly I was just happy to finally have a friend who was so similar to myself. 
I didn't meet him for weeks, maybe even a couple months because I was a big ball full of anxiety and depression.I was scared to even pursue a relationship with my bestfriend because I struggle to trust people, I either trust too much or too little. 

There's so many things that could have gone wrong with the whole dating your bestfriend scenario, my mental health goes up and down but when it's down it get to the point where I don't leave my bed, I just feel sorry for myself til something snaps me outta it and would I want someone I love to see me like that? No way, not in the slightest. 
I push people away, I don't like telling people my feeling's because I feel overly vulnerable when if I hadn't of told them personal shit then I wouldn't feel so vulnerable, you know?
I always keep my defenses up because I'm so fucking scared of people leaving me, I've gotten to a point where I'm absolutely sick of everyone leaving. 

But I faced my fears, and took that plunge. 
Shit isn't easy, but love always wins throughout everything. 
I look after my mental health way more than I used too, I eat alot more than I used too. When I'm sad I force myself to eat so I don't get them bad habits again, but most importantly I learnt that you can't love somebody else completely until you love yourself.

I still don't trust anybody 100% like my mama told me not to and obviously there's shit you work on.
If shit goes well then I'll have to learn to stop bloody doubting everyone and everything but if not then it's a new lesson I guess.

Suffering with any mental illness can be absolutely debilitating, it can knock you to your knees if you let it, but it's about time now that I stopped letting my depression, my insecurities and everything else make me overthink shit and you just gotta go with it.

L x

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