Thursday, 23 November 2017

- diet culture//body positivity -

Diet culture is FXCKING everywhere.
Movies, magazines, television, billboards, etc. 
It's absolutely everywhere and
if you're in recovery for any type of an eating disorder it can become extremely problematic always seeing adverts whether it be on the internet or on the television and let's be honest nobody wants to see these weight loss/diet adverts whilst you're really just trying to watch corrie.

 Trying to beat anorexia and get to an actual stable point in my life when all you're seeing and hearing about is weight loss related things, it isn't just online or on the tv that all this happens. It's extremely prominent in real life too. 
Let's face it, every single person no matter what they'll say, have insecurities. Humans have real life emotions, and having insecurities is just another human emotion. 
 When I first 'came' into recovery I'd see these adverts of these normal average sized women and I'd constantly be overthinking and second guessing myself.. over and over and over again. 
''Do I really want to put myself through this?''
A thought that to this day I still think about on my bad days.

Losing a ridiculous amount of weight won't make you suddenly SO happy with your body.
You have to be in tune with yourself mentally. I'm not saying losing weight is bad but only to a healthy level. 
You could lose so much weight and still have low self esteem, low confidence but that has nothing to do with yourself physically, it's all about learning to love yourself and your body. 

Don't always believe what the media tells you.
There idea of 'perfect' doesn't exist. 
'perfect is perception, and perception is all they can see.'

one of my absolute fav subjects to talk about..
Body positivity is accepting your flaws, simply not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks about your body, and there idea of how you should look etc. Yeah there may be days where you just wanna relapse and give up on yourself and your body. 
Absolutely don't get me wrong, there's days I wanna just say fuck it and end all of the progress I've made and just give up, but I can't give up on something that's never given up on me which is my body. Even after I made it ill and mistreated it, it still never gave up. 

Guess what everybody!!!

I don't have perfect skin, actually going off topic I constantly pick my skin when my anxiety is fucking me over and it makes my skin super red and sore but I still don't stop. I don't have a constant flat stomach (sorry but I love pizza and pizza is better than having a flat tummy lol)
I don't always take pictures at the most flattering angles either. 
But you know what??

I'm happy. 
I'm happy with my imperfect skin, my tummy roll which always makes a funny face whenever I slouch and it's kinda funny.. but most of all, I'm happy with how I am (the majority of the time, I'm only human after all)

And finally, all I really want to say is this..
Recovery is hard. Harder than the disorder itself, it isn't any walk in the park like some tv shows make it out to be, it isn't something to be glamorized. As quickly as you click your fingers that's simply how quick it can be to fall back into old patterns. What people fail to realise is though YOU'RE strong, YOU'RE powerful and most of all YOU can overcome this. 
It's gonna be tough, you're gonna want to give up but this thing you've given SO much power to is no longer going to be the eating disorder, it's going to be you.

Stay groovy, 

L x

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

- mental health issues in 2017 -

bit of a controversial post so if you disagree or whatever that's absolutely fine with me but this is personally what i feel so keep reading if you want an interesting read..

having bad days, feeling a little bit nervous, feeling sad on occasion is HUMAN.
humans have a whole range of emotions, it's okay to feel a little bit sad or nervous about things. 
 and here is where it gets controversial.... 

just because you feel nervous about certain things for example - a job interview? SO many people feel nervous being in situations like that, or feeling sad.. you can have a bad feeling shitty day without it being classed as depression.
depression is a constant battle, when i'm having my bad days i can't shower, i can't brush my hair, i can barely find the motivation to get out of bed to go have a pee.

struggling with anxiety and depression, both of them constantly fight eachother. wanting to go out and see friends but my feet won't move and i'm basically trapped inside my own head with all these thoughts going round and round and when i try to just ignore it, i feel like i'm gonna burst into tears because i feel like giving up. 
i'll admit i never understood what anxiety or depression was until i started suffering myself with it, they are invisible illnesses if you will, you can't always see them but sometimes you actually can. 
you can physically see a person slowly giving up on themselves in my opinion..

people glamorize mental illnesses..
eating disorders aren't exclusive to any race, gender, or class..
same with anxiety and every single other mental illness doesn't discriminate, no matter what race, gender,.. whatever, you could have so much money and still be extremely unhappy. 

what i'm just trying to get at is that, yeah you may feel anxious and depressed but that doesn't mean you have anxiety and depression. 

hope this doesn't sound shitty towards anyone, i just feel like people and bloggers advocate for mental illness every single day. we campaign, we fight tooth and nail for some sort of action to be done to change how mental illness is treated yet when people who say they've got anxiety and depression, i'm not saying everyone who claims to have mental illness etc are lying or whatever but some do just say thing for attention.

 L x

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

- trust issues/insecurities -

insecurities! i'm pretty sure absolutely everyone has them, you can be mega confident and still at the back of your mind have those little things that still kinda bug you but you never really let it show. 
for instance, my trust issues create more insecurities for me. 

because of a lovely thing called anxiety, that makes my trust and my trust in things so so much worse. i constantly second guess peoples motives because i think what's on their agenda, why're they suddenly being so lovely?!?!
my biggest issue is trust. it's hard to open up when i feel like im constantly getting mugged off by people. i'll be honest now, i don't really have many friends pretty much for this exact reason.

when i was alot younger i was overly confident i guess, i just didn't have any cares in the world and eventually i wanna get back to being like that because honestly, i don't want the little things to constantly go round and round and round in my head. you can't escape and get out your own head so what're you gonna do? it's like a kettle, it boils and boils and boils til it eventually gets too hot and simmers and all that condensation is everywhere.

i have this one insecurity that's constantly going through my head and ima share it with you all now..
relationships. relationships itself don't make me insecure, it's the loving someone with everything i've got and them suddenly not feel the same.
waking up one day so full of love for someone and it just isn't reciprocated.

i overthink. about absolutely EVERYTHING. i overthink about situations that haven't even happened and i get mad over it, i pretty much put myself in a bad mood by thinking about things over and over and over again.

anxiety, depression and many many other mental illnesses are fckin awful. to live on a day to day basis suffering so badly that most days you can't even force yourself to get out of bed, that you don't even have the energy to shower or just change pajamas, that's when you know somethings gotta change. whether it mean you reach out to someone and let them know you're struggling or get help by professionals.
i've still got so much stuff to work on on myself, and i've just got to get to a place where i no longer second guess the people that i love. constantly thinking that they're gonna eventually up and leave and then me constantly needing reassurance just makes me feel like a burden really and that's my motivation to change i guess.

i'll try get more posts written more frequently but anxiety/depression are really kicking my arse at the minute.

L x