Saturday, 21 October 2017

- little ramblings -

i've been writing this blog for over a year now, there's been so many great things to come out of this, there's been some truly awful things I've wanted to write about but to allow myself to be that vulnerable was freakin scary. 

the things i've learnt the most from this is body POSITIVITY and SELF LOVE.
i'm not even gonna lie, i used to be SO envious of people who just didn't give a damn. 
the people who just looked so goddamn comfortable in their own skin. i envied that SO bad. 
growing up, getting bullied, constantly getting told i'm 'fat' and then eventually developing anorexia, 
i was just so uncomfortable being me. 
weight issues since around high school have always been quite problematic for me. 
if i was feeling sad or was just having a bad day i wouldn't eat, i wouldn't even try and force myself to. 
now let me tell you all how things have changed...

i'm one of them people i used to look up to, this summer i went to this beach with my favourite people, i went in to the FREEZING cold sea in a bikini and it felt SO empowering. 
for so long hating my body, hating my stretch marks, my freckles, my dimples etc. 

there were so many nights i'd spend looking at the ceiling wishing i was dead, wishing things were different, wanting to just end it all but something constantly held me back from doing so. i was just so fuckin fed up with being me, i was fed up of people disliking me in school, i was fed up of it all. 
i hated all the things that made me, me and nowadays the things i once despised, are now my favourite things about myself. 
my accent, my stretch marks, my freckles, even my scar on my elbow. 

if you've made it this far into this post, thankyou but there's so much more i wanna say so please keep reading haha..

during the period of time i was in high school and getting bullied etc - i became full of pure hatred for myself and i'd convince myself that i deserved this, i deserved to be constantly belittled so even when those girls/guys left school, i kept that mentality. friends wanna belittle me yet laugh about it? i'll laugh too cos honestly, i was scared everyone would leave. 
i still get scared people will leave, it's probably one of my biggest fears. 
someone who i absolutely adore and love with my every being, leaving me and me having to try and pick up all the pieces they broke. 

this gal here is my sister. Jade. 
she's held me every time i've been crying my eyes out, she's stood up and fought for me, she's put her worries aside every time to take care of me and my worries. 
she's my absolute bestfriend, there's been so many times where i've just wanted to call it all quits and give up on everything especially myself and she wouldn't let me. 
she's one of the most courageous, selfless people i know and quite frankly i'd be lost without her. 

i'm just feeling really thankful for everyone that pushed me and made me fight each and every day, i deserve so much more than i was giving myself but most importantly, i'm human. 
humans aren't always bursting with pure happiness but i no longer cry myself to sleep wanting to die.. i go to sleep thankful for the people around me.

it'll sound weird this but i'm thankful for my anxiety, depression and for my recovery from an eating disorder because honestly it's made me who i am, all the shit that i've been through, it's made me grow and have more empathy towards others..

thankyou all for being on this journey with me, i appreciate it more than you'll all ever know..

L x

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