Saturday, 21 October 2017

- little ramblings -

i've been writing this blog for over a year now, there's been so many great things to come out of this, there's been some truly awful things I've wanted to write about but to allow myself to be that vulnerable was freakin scary. 

the things i've learnt the most from this is body POSITIVITY and SELF LOVE.
i'm not even gonna lie, i used to be SO envious of people who just didn't give a damn. 
the people who just looked so goddamn comfortable in their own skin. i envied that SO bad. 
growing up, getting bullied, constantly getting told i'm 'fat' and then eventually developing anorexia, 
i was just so uncomfortable being me. 
weight issues since around high school have always been quite problematic for me. 
if i was feeling sad or was just having a bad day i wouldn't eat, i wouldn't even try and force myself to. 
now let me tell you all how things have changed...

i'm one of them people i used to look up to, this summer i went to this beach with my favourite people, i went in to the FREEZING cold sea in a bikini and it felt SO empowering. 
for so long hating my body, hating my stretch marks, my freckles, my dimples etc. 

there were so many nights i'd spend looking at the ceiling wishing i was dead, wishing things were different, wanting to just end it all but something constantly held me back from doing so. i was just so fuckin fed up with being me, i was fed up of people disliking me in school, i was fed up of it all. 
i hated all the things that made me, me and nowadays the things i once despised, are now my favourite things about myself. 
my accent, my stretch marks, my freckles, even my scar on my elbow. 

if you've made it this far into this post, thankyou but there's so much more i wanna say so please keep reading haha..

during the period of time i was in high school and getting bullied etc - i became full of pure hatred for myself and i'd convince myself that i deserved this, i deserved to be constantly belittled so even when those girls/guys left school, i kept that mentality. friends wanna belittle me yet laugh about it? i'll laugh too cos honestly, i was scared everyone would leave. 
i still get scared people will leave, it's probably one of my biggest fears. 
someone who i absolutely adore and love with my every being, leaving me and me having to try and pick up all the pieces they broke. 

this gal here is my sister. Jade. 
she's held me every time i've been crying my eyes out, she's stood up and fought for me, she's put her worries aside every time to take care of me and my worries. 
she's my absolute bestfriend, there's been so many times where i've just wanted to call it all quits and give up on everything especially myself and she wouldn't let me. 
she's one of the most courageous, selfless people i know and quite frankly i'd be lost without her. 

i'm just feeling really thankful for everyone that pushed me and made me fight each and every day, i deserve so much more than i was giving myself but most importantly, i'm human. 
humans aren't always bursting with pure happiness but i no longer cry myself to sleep wanting to die.. i go to sleep thankful for the people around me.

it'll sound weird this but i'm thankful for my anxiety, depression and for my recovery from an eating disorder because honestly it's made me who i am, all the shit that i've been through, it's made me grow and have more empathy towards others..

thankyou all for being on this journey with me, i appreciate it more than you'll all ever know..

L x

Sunday, 15 October 2017

- mama's lil traveller -

let me just first point out that i suffer with depression and anxiety, two very destructive awful things. 
i used to date this guy James and then it ended because he went off to uni blah blah blah. 
he stayed my bestfriend and nothing really changed, i'd always said if he ever wanted me to com see him i would and this is exactly how this post came to exist..

Friday the 13th possibly unluckiest of days came - i was on my way to see my bestfriend and let me just tell you, i had the WORST nervous belly, my brain was literally screaming all the bad things that could happen but honestly i was desperate to see him again so i said fuck you to my brain and followed my heart.. (best decision ever)

i went on a fuck tonne of trains and honestly i thought i'd get lost because i'm awful at directions but thankfully (praise the lord) i didn't once get lost..
and then came the moment i saw him, in all his glory. 
all that was going through my head was "god. i've missed him. he's so frickin handsome."
just thinking about it now makes me go all teary eyed, the last time i saw him was way before he'd even left for uni so to see him then god, i was so happy.
he grabbed my hand and we made our way back to his mates car, we'd gone into his room and my heart was bursting with love for him. i just wanted to tell him everything i never said when we first dated and i just wanted him to know that no matter how long i'd wait. 

there's several things this trip has taught me but here's most important - 

1 - appreciate the things and the people around you, appreciate the change and most importantly value them around you because it's an amazing feeling knowing someone actually wants you around.

2 - never ever let anxiety win. never do it, never let it control you and stop you from doing the things you really wanna. anxiety sucks. it's frickin awful but you know what? it's not as strong and as powerful as it thinks it is. you have the power to overrule it, yes it may be hard and you might be so goddamn scared but being a lil scared is okay.

L x