the amount of times i've written about relationships, you'd have thought i'd learnt something..
right? it would appear i have not.
i have broke my own heart many times by loving the wrong person, and i have broke hearts by chasing the wrong person but this time, but this time i broke my own heart by realising stuff waaaay too late.
i always try and hide my feelings, to show absolutely no vulnerability. i'd rather be a dickhead to someone than just tell them how i really feel and honestly, that mindset sucks.
i used to trust too much and sometimes now i trust way too little, i'd love to show a little vulnerability every now and again because of course that's what makes you human but there's just something inside me that's so full of fear about letting someone in that i just be a dick and hide my feelings.
love isn't something that should ever be taken for granted, love is something that should be cherished and you should hold on to that for as long as you can.
most people don't know this because honestly i was petrified of letting the world know and then everything just goes disastrous because quite frankly i'd rather lose a limb than my bestfriend.
i guess i always held back everything i wanted to say purely for the fact that i didn't wanna become this cringey person because that's far from what i am.
there's still so many things i wanna say but it's past that point of even saying the stuff you know, we're still friends don't get me wrong but i wish i would have allowed myself to be just a little bit vulnerable sometimes because if you love someone with all your entire being then they deserve to know that, they deserve to know how goddamn important they are to you, they deserve to know that they were the one consistent thing in my life and for that i am grateful.
for the past couple of weeks i've just felt pure sadness, numbness is probably a better word. i've just felt like i can be a pretty shitty person sometimes and i do fuck up, quite alot actually but that's what makes us human. people say things they don't mean, people make mistakes but its what you do to show you're sorry which really matters. actions speak much louder than words will ever do.
i'm lost in a sea of my own thoughts and it's getting closer to drowning in my own thoughts. i wish i wasn't so closed off, i wish i wasn't constantly suffocated by my own demons for lack of a better word.
we're all just tryna find someone that makes us feel like when two souls were created you've met your other half and one day i hope everyone finds their other half.
i wrote this post purely because i have so much stuff weighing down on my heart that it just gets too unbearable sometimes and i need to just say the things that bother me. i know i also said i wasn't going to blog again but let's be real, we all knew that was bullshit.