Monday, 1 May 2017

..suicide - part 2.

As promised part 2.

What does suicide mean to me?
For me, it means my fight is finally over. It means being too strong for so long and then finally accepting defeat. 
It's something I've spent alot of time thinking about, I always used to thin about how I'd do it, when I'd do it, what would happen after? 

It got to a point where I no longer cared about any of that, I just wanted to be gone. I wanted to feel free, like if my favourite song is on and I get up and dance I wanna feel that type of free but all the time. It's become a daily thought of mine again, I know I'm struggling and I know that's okay but I don't wanna always feel this unpredictability that comes with anxiety and depression.
I don't know if I'll wake up feeling good and want to actually get dressed and go out or if I'll want to stay in bed all day just looking at my ceiling wanting to just disappear. 

Don't get me wrong I don't wanna die, I just sometimes I wish I just didn't exist because feeling the way I do is a complete mindfuck. 
One day I can be SO happy like literally proper beamin with happiness and the next I'm trying to stop myself from breaking down every 2 seconds. 
Even when I'm feeling my absolute worst I'll plaster this fake ass smile on my face so nobody can see my vulnerability, I've always been scared of people seeing me be vulnerable. I've always hated showing any sad or upset emotion, I don't want people to perceive me as 'weak' or 'delicate' because I'm neither of those things.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.

L x


3 comments:

  1. Me and you have known each other for years in fact I can remember the first day we ever met we was in year 4 we had a spanish teacher called Ms bracey at first you were quite, shy and kept to yourself, you lived in the most convenient place ever right across the road and when it came to year six you started going home for your lunch and at one point your tried being a life saver by setting up a trampoline club in your back garden for loads of us, you were the only person that actually came in wearing a hoodie, it was a blue superman jumper, everything changed when we came into high school we rarely saw each other and i can only remember us being in one class together for the whole time we was there, you always sat with me and ben because we were the only people you actually liked and because we just abused one another, after that I never saw you I didn't even know if you had left or not, I didn't see you then until i was in college you were dating my best friend and even then, I never knew the horror that you was going through not until I started reading this, I feel responsible if I had of just taken notice for once maybe things would have been different so on behalf of a school full of arseholes, douchebags and cretins who felt that they were above you I am truly for any pain that was caused by me or anyone else in that godforsaken place

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    1. hey, thankyou so much for that comment. i'm sat here tryna rack my brains as to who this could be, could you please add me on Facebook and send us a message? x

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