Monday, 29 May 2017

29/05/2017

hello, 
if any of you have just happened to find this blog or even just this post, I'm gonna let you all know who I am..

I'm just a girl who has always wanted to make a difference somehow. Before suffering with bullying and mental health issues I never realised to the extent of how bad they actually could get, to be real honest I just thought people were just being hugely dramatic about it. 
I was completely naive and I used to throw the term 'depressed' about so much that I feel like I added to the already wide stigma surrounding mental health. 

I always thought speaking out made you weak and vulnerable and for that I am so so goddamn sorry. I used to put the negative thoughts of myself into anger and I'd argue with my sister and just constantly pretend shits okay when it blatantly wasn't. 
Speaking out makes you so fucking brave, it makes you incredibly strong and for everyone that chooses to speak out about these issues should be absolutely commended. 

I was this really naive young girl that believed nobody could ever understand how I feel and whenever somebody did say they knew how I was feeling and that I'm not alone, I'd believe they were lying and instantly just get my defences up again.  Now, I am a woman who is able to speak openly and honestly about some real tough issues I face on a daily basis. 
I promote body positivity, loving yourself and openly talking about the stuff people seem to want to just push under the rug for a rainy day. 

I decided that I was bored of hating myself, I put so much effort into hating how I was that I failed to see all the good things around me. I had a bestfriend who absolutely adored me, I have a family that loves me more than life itself and my life was going perfectly but I couldn't ever see that. I could only look back at the pictures I'd take and think about how gross my body looks, how I shoulda held my breath more to make my belly look tiny, I literally thought of every single bad thing about myself instead of thinking how fucking happy I look, how I don't have to look polished and like some beautiful painting when being in the moment and being that happy was the beautifulness of that picture. Yet, I failed to always see that. 

I'm sorry to all the people that used to know me, I had to make some changes about myself that were so crucial, I had to change my mindset, I had to love myself completely and openly instead of portraying some fake love type shit. I used to be so goddamn insecure, paranoid and jealous and in my head I had every single reason to be feeling that way mainly for the fact someone was gonna leave eventually, right? WRONG.

I convinced myself that everyone was gonna leave me some day but then after a while I got comfortable. I accused someone that meant more to me than they ever knew of just doing shit that he didn't. I treated my bestfriend poorly and always said he didn't love me because if I didn't love me, how could he? 

I lost my bestfriend but I gained so much more than I ever would if he'd have stayed. 
I learnt how to be honest with myself, I learnt to love and understand every single bit about myself that I didn't before, and I possibly gained someone who knows me as I am now, I've wrote about my bestfriend J so goddamn much but that's literally for the fact he knows me so well, he knows my flaws, the things that make me mad, he knows what makes me happy and quite frankly I'm so glad he's able to be on this journey of self discovery with me. 
He lets me know when I'm in the wrong and he isn't afraid of telling me when I'm wrong as well.
I never felt like people truly got me and understood who I am as a person and honestly, I'm so proud of the people I associate myself with. 

And finally just a little thankyou for all the people that have been on this journey with me, 

Thankyou Ben for being the absolute best older brother, you've shown me how it really is to love someone and the way you love Messaline is so goddamn beautiful. 
Thankyou to Jade for always putting me in my place even when I really don't wanna hear your shit.
Thankyou to every single reader that keeps this blog afloat, I never in a million years thought anybody would read or even give a damn what I have to say. I appreciate every single one of you that takes the time out to read what this bitch has to say and for that I'm forever grateful. 


Until next time, 

L x



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