Monday, 29 May 2017

29/05/2017

hello, 
if any of you have just happened to find this blog or even just this post, I'm gonna let you all know who I am..

I'm just a girl who has always wanted to make a difference somehow. Before suffering with bullying and mental health issues I never realised to the extent of how bad they actually could get, to be real honest I just thought people were just being hugely dramatic about it. 
I was completely naive and I used to throw the term 'depressed' about so much that I feel like I added to the already wide stigma surrounding mental health. 

I always thought speaking out made you weak and vulnerable and for that I am so so goddamn sorry. I used to put the negative thoughts of myself into anger and I'd argue with my sister and just constantly pretend shits okay when it blatantly wasn't. 
Speaking out makes you so fucking brave, it makes you incredibly strong and for everyone that chooses to speak out about these issues should be absolutely commended. 

I was this really naive young girl that believed nobody could ever understand how I feel and whenever somebody did say they knew how I was feeling and that I'm not alone, I'd believe they were lying and instantly just get my defences up again.  Now, I am a woman who is able to speak openly and honestly about some real tough issues I face on a daily basis. 
I promote body positivity, loving yourself and openly talking about the stuff people seem to want to just push under the rug for a rainy day. 

I decided that I was bored of hating myself, I put so much effort into hating how I was that I failed to see all the good things around me. I had a bestfriend who absolutely adored me, I have a family that loves me more than life itself and my life was going perfectly but I couldn't ever see that. I could only look back at the pictures I'd take and think about how gross my body looks, how I shoulda held my breath more to make my belly look tiny, I literally thought of every single bad thing about myself instead of thinking how fucking happy I look, how I don't have to look polished and like some beautiful painting when being in the moment and being that happy was the beautifulness of that picture. Yet, I failed to always see that. 

I'm sorry to all the people that used to know me, I had to make some changes about myself that were so crucial, I had to change my mindset, I had to love myself completely and openly instead of portraying some fake love type shit. I used to be so goddamn insecure, paranoid and jealous and in my head I had every single reason to be feeling that way mainly for the fact someone was gonna leave eventually, right? WRONG.

I convinced myself that everyone was gonna leave me some day but then after a while I got comfortable. I accused someone that meant more to me than they ever knew of just doing shit that he didn't. I treated my bestfriend poorly and always said he didn't love me because if I didn't love me, how could he? 

I lost my bestfriend but I gained so much more than I ever would if he'd have stayed. 
I learnt how to be honest with myself, I learnt to love and understand every single bit about myself that I didn't before, and I possibly gained someone who knows me as I am now, I've wrote about my bestfriend J so goddamn much but that's literally for the fact he knows me so well, he knows my flaws, the things that make me mad, he knows what makes me happy and quite frankly I'm so glad he's able to be on this journey of self discovery with me. 
He lets me know when I'm in the wrong and he isn't afraid of telling me when I'm wrong as well.
I never felt like people truly got me and understood who I am as a person and honestly, I'm so proud of the people I associate myself with. 

And finally just a little thankyou for all the people that have been on this journey with me, 

Thankyou Ben for being the absolute best older brother, you've shown me how it really is to love someone and the way you love Messaline is so goddamn beautiful. 
Thankyou to Jade for always putting me in my place even when I really don't wanna hear your shit.
Thankyou to every single reader that keeps this blog afloat, I never in a million years thought anybody would read or even give a damn what I have to say. I appreciate every single one of you that takes the time out to read what this bitch has to say and for that I'm forever grateful. 


Until next time, 

L x



Wednesday, 24 May 2017

- the idea of love -

love? 
what is love?

love is thinking of someone else's feelings when you make decisions, love is ordering two lots of food just in case the other person wants any as well, love is allowing someone to break your heart but trusting that they won't. 
love is allowing someone to see the dark part of yourself that you'd rather be hidden to the world, love is allowing yourself to feel vulnerable and open.
love is trying so fucking hard for someone, for them to know that they are yours completely and undeniably. 

we all have some kinda love in us, whether it be for another human or an animal, or even just whatever makes you the fucking happiest. For me, what truly makes me the happiest are the words inside my brain. words are so so powerful and voices are probably more powerful yet people don't write and don't talk about issues that need to be spoken about. 
we lack the mindset that allows us to have conversations about what isn't good in the world. 

the idea that we are all so capable of love yet some of us choose to be toxic is quite mind blowing to me, nobody was born full of hate and nobody is taught to be neglectful of other peoples feelings yet we live in some societal mess that says we should just accept the love that's given to us. 
we shouldn't always have to be cold and closed off. 

i used to speak to someone that thought it was perfectly okay to hurt me because i'd never leave. i'd never leave him like the several times he'd left me, mainly for the fact i actually felt love for him, i accepted his flaws, his mistakes, his fears. i became jealous of the way he'd be fine without me, how the way i'd be breaking and crying myself to sleep yet he'd be fine, going to see his mates, doing drugs, not. giving. a. simple. fuck. 

but the thing is with love, it isn't restrictive and it doesn't stop at loving others. you possibly cannot love another human being intimately if you don't love yourself the same way. you can never ever stop learning about yourself. what you like, what you dislike, what your favourite thing is about yourself.  
i learned to love myself, inside and out. i used to hate the way my body looked, i'd literally be so grossed out at myself but i learnt that the little lines and beauty marks on my body are what makes me, me. 
i weren't ever that confident in my body but i'll admit i'm obsessed with it, it never gave up on me and honestly, i deserve to feel so goddamn proud of it. i've came along way from being that girl who would starve herself to now allowing herself to eat whatever the fuck she wants without feeling guilty. 

love is a very powerful emotion and it isn't to be fucked around with. 

L x


Wednesday, 10 May 2017

..love part 2?

the fear of love.

love in itself is scary,
you have to build this trust with another human being, 
you have to learn their likes and dislikes,
they have to learn yours,
you have to commit to another human being and trust that they won't drop you when shit hits the fan.

I once had a bestfriend that I wrote about alot in this blog and he'd even write posts when I couldn't form a proper sentence let alone a whole post but he left, I've wrote countless amount of posts about him leaving etc as well.
However, before I started dating him, I had this idea of what love is and it's all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns but it's quite the opposite.

The problem is,
Love isn't 100% all of the time.
Some of the time I'd go to sleep after an argument and cry because I knew like I literally had this gut feeling that he'd leave and choose something better. I knew it wouldn't last forever but I thought he was my forever.

Love scares me, lets get real for a second..
I've got this fear about relationships, like I know who I want to be with but things aren't always black and white yano? There's always the grey areas surrounding these things..
I used to be the most paranoid, insecure person ever.

I have this bestfriend that taught me how to get over someone that didn't love me back, and to be quite honest he was absolutely brutal with me, he told me the things I needed to hear but didn't want too. Of course I didn't always listen and ended up more hurt than I thought I coulda been but some guy hurting me again made me and my bestfriend the closest so I thank you Mr Fucking Heartbreaker.

Love.
Love isn't crying yourself to sleep overthinking about what you did wrong,
Love isn't second guessing yourself,
Love isn't accepting hurt in fear that they'll leave,
Love isn't being on your guard 24/7.

Right now, I have come across alot of people's perceptions of love and I feel so many different types of love.. I feel love so strongly and passionately like I never do anything half assed especially when it comes to this.
I'm literally obsessed with my bestfriend, I'd even go as far as saying I'm his biggest fan the wally.
I wanna be with someone that I can just sing and jam out with, I wanna be with someone that's a complete bloody dork but the best type of dork. Someone that just gets me and I wanna feel like he's the person I've been missing out on my entire life like I just want shit to feel right.

L x



Monday, 8 May 2017

mental health awareness week..

This week isn't going to change anything, it isn't going to suddenly make everyone nicer, more open minded and less of a dick.
It's not going to suddenly make everyone realise that mental health is an actual illness, it's not going to make politicians more aware of how bad it can get, it isn't going to make people like Piers Morgan realise that it can be so deadly, it affects men, women, young and old. 

But what it can do is help people in need. It can show people that haven't told anyone how they feel that they aren't alone. It can help parents of young people struggling and it can guide people to find the right resources when needed.

Talking helps.
 This is coming from someone who absolutely hates talking about feelings and just hates feeling vulnerable. 
I didn't wanna talk, I didn't wanna tell anybody. I was so scared of what people would think and if they'd even understand because I didn't understand the things that were going round and round in my head. 
So how could anybody else?

I always thought I could just get over it and I didn't need anyone's help. 
WRONG.

I couldn't just 'get over it'. I couldn't make myself better when all I was really doing was making myself worse. Bottling up all these negative, angry thoughts, keeping them going round and round in my head. 
I thought if people ever knew I was struggling they'd think I was weak and pathetic, I thought I'd let my mum down. 
I didn't want my dad or my siblings to know. 

I was petrified of how differently I'd be treated. I'd stay up late and think about what would my family think if I suddenly told them how things really were? 

How would my brother react? He's one of the strongest people I know and honestly, I thought he'd think it was just attention seeking and pathetic. 

BUT, I opened up. I told my mum aka my life saver. 
She would spend nights researching about what to do, how she could get help for me, especially at school. 
She'd take me to the doctors and I'd have to have appointments almost every week, I'd always see leaflets about this charity called 'Beat' all about eating disorders and for once I felt some hope.

I didn't realise how many people were feeling the exact same as myself, I thought nobody would understand but the amount of people that actually do and they aren't even just saying that either. They know how it really is to live with mental illnesses. 
If you're struggling right now and you happen to read this post, I want YOU to know that although it really fucking sucks right now, it does ease up once you tell someone whether that's a friend, a family member or you speak to someone anonymously on a charity website. 


''Depression isn't beautiful. Depression is bad hygiene, dirty dishes and a sore body from sleeping to much. '' 
Depression isn't you and your mental illness/es aren't YOU.

YOU are strong.
YOU are courageous,
YOU are worth it.

You aren't alone, it feels like you are but you really aren't. There's so many people out there that feel the exact way you do and there's so many people that just wanna help you feel better as well.

This young girl here - this is me. I was able to get help and I was able to finally get somewhat of a grip of my mind. 
I know shit isn't always going to be good, but I also know it isn't always going to be bad either.

Please don't give up on yourselves. 

L x




Monday, 1 May 2017

..suicide - part 2.

As promised part 2.

What does suicide mean to me?
For me, it means my fight is finally over. It means being too strong for so long and then finally accepting defeat. 
It's something I've spent alot of time thinking about, I always used to thin about how I'd do it, when I'd do it, what would happen after? 

It got to a point where I no longer cared about any of that, I just wanted to be gone. I wanted to feel free, like if my favourite song is on and I get up and dance I wanna feel that type of free but all the time. It's become a daily thought of mine again, I know I'm struggling and I know that's okay but I don't wanna always feel this unpredictability that comes with anxiety and depression.
I don't know if I'll wake up feeling good and want to actually get dressed and go out or if I'll want to stay in bed all day just looking at my ceiling wanting to just disappear. 

Don't get me wrong I don't wanna die, I just sometimes I wish I just didn't exist because feeling the way I do is a complete mindfuck. 
One day I can be SO happy like literally proper beamin with happiness and the next I'm trying to stop myself from breaking down every 2 seconds. 
Even when I'm feeling my absolute worst I'll plaster this fake ass smile on my face so nobody can see my vulnerability, I've always been scared of people seeing me be vulnerable. I've always hated showing any sad or upset emotion, I don't want people to perceive me as 'weak' or 'delicate' because I'm neither of those things.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.

L x


suicide.

Suicide is a subject so many people hate to talk about, and think its an uncomfortable conversation to have but it HAS to be spoken about. 

It doesn't just affect young people, it doesn't just affect women. Mental illness and suicide doesn't discriminate. In 2017 in the UK 6,188 suicides were registered and in the Republic of Ireland there were 451. The highest suicide rate in the UK was for men aged 40 - 44. 

I feel like I should also mention that there was recently a new series surrounding suicide and bullying and everything else relating to that called 13 reasons why. Alot of people thought it was a bad representation of how bullying affects suicide so here's my views on it..

When I was getting bullied, I starved myself, I spent so many nights contemplating death and how I would actually end my life. I had stayed up til the early hours of the morning writing everything that had lead me to that point, I had wrote about every single person in high school that had contributed to me feeling like this. I had wrote about every friend that chose to ignore me telling them I was being bullied. I wrote about every single teacher that wouldn't listen. 

So yes I think what that series did was open a new conversation, although not being a complete arsehole to people may help, what really would help? Let me break this down for you in this series she got:
  • Bullied
  • Raped
  • Rumors spread about her
Every single person that laughed at one of the rumors or every single person that dismissed that she was actually being bullied.
Nobody actually knows how anybody is feeling other than themselves, never invalidate someones feelings because YOU don't agree with it. If someone is being bullied or has them feelings of suicide you do not dismiss it, ever. You try to help, you listen, you do not wait until they've ended their life to make a difference. 

I've got a part 2 to this post coming shortly so be patient 
x