This post is more about just getting all my feelings out there so if anybody can relate or whatever then good but if not don't worry - my posts will be back to normal soon.
For so long I've felt on top of my anxiety, like I'm not even sure what has changed but recently it's felt like sometimes it's on top of me like this angry little demon that noone else can see but it's there.
It's like noone else can physically see it controlling you but you and it starts to surround you in this pure fucking darkness that seems to just last forever.
It doesn't ever show externally but internally I'm freaking out alot. So many things have happened you know, so many friends have turned out to be complete arseholes, someone I loved turned out to not be who I thought he was.
Anxiety is deafeningly lonely. I push people away, the amount of times I've bailed on people to meet purely for the fact I've been too anxious to even step out my house.
Sometimes I want to feel in control because alot of the time anxiety takes away that control of my mind and my emotions for me so if there's anything I can control it's my eating. I get quite sad sometimes because anorexia took alot of things away from me. It took away my love for myself, it made my relationship with food awful and unhealthy, it made my relationships with people fucking dreadful as well.
I couldn't go be free from it and therefore I was trapped.
I'm happy don't get me wrong but there's so many things I wish I could change or make a little easier, anxiety never used to be really really bad in busy places but I'll be honest the other day I'd gone out with someone and my legs just wouldn't take me any further and I feel embarrassed at the fact that I wish I could do things that everyone else seems to think is so simple yet it's like climbing Mount Everest for me. I hate it.
Anxiety fucking sucks, people that glamorize and romanticize mental illnesses don't have the first idea what living with anxiety, depression, eating disorders and any other mental illnesses are like.
But one thing you HAVE to remember is..
You ARE worth it,
You ARE better than how you're feeling,
You ARE important,
Nobody deserves to feel this trapped in themselves but reaching out, asking for help, properly looking after yourself can make the whole difference.