Wednesday, 8 March 2017

...my weight gain journey.

You always see these weight loss journeys but gaining weight was an entire journey in itself.
So here is mine.. 

I was so trapped in the mindset that I had already created for myself, I was always telling myself how fat, how ugly I am etc so to suddenly start to try and be positive about my body and myself in general was hard. Even now it's hard. 

I felt like just the simplest things to everybody else were hard and painful for me like just putting food in my mouth made me cry, I would feel such physical pain over just over something that everybody else could do so easily. Trying to recover and get better after having an eating disorder for me was worse than the actual eating disorder itself because forcing myself to eat when all I could think about was gaining weight and I had all these emotions going round and round in my head yet all I truly wanted to be was 'normal'.

I went from having such an unhealthy obsession with losing weight to trying to actually put weight on and it's honestly so scary because ONE small thing could set me back so easily and alot of the time it did, even now if I have a bad day I won't feel like eating and that's something I'm still working on.. but it's a working progress and I'm trying everyday.
Everytime I'd go to the doctors this time to get weighed and they'd say I put weight on, I'd be happy don't get me wrong but in the back of my mind all I'd be thinking is 'I'm gonna get fat. I'm gonna be fat. Fat.' That was always in my mind, sometimes I still think that too but I have to realise that it's okay because I'm healthy and if I wanna eat cake or chocolate, I can.

I used to be so petrified of food, it became one of my biggest fears. Like people who have never experienced having an eating disorder themselves will never truly understand just how demeaning it is, I felt weak and powerless and I cried alot all the time.
I used to be so embarrassed to tell people I struggled with this, I was ashamed because I didn't and still don't like people knowing me to be vulnerable so me allowing people to know me like this is HUGE.

I'm no longer ashamed to say that I struggled for so goddamn long with anorexia because for me to be able to write and try to atleast help one person going through things similar is absolutely mind blowing. I went from almost letting this beat me to becoming a strong confident woman that isn't ever giving up on herself again.
Recovery isn't just hard physically but it's excruciating mentally, I used to be surrounded by this darkness that I just couldn't escape no matter how hard I tried, it just followed me. Literally, like I always had this dark cloud looming over me and even just having a glimpse of happiness would be impossible. However, I went from that constant darkness to basically sunshine and rainbows. I learnt to love myself inside and out, I learnt so much about myself and I'm constantly learning more.

Never give up on yourself, the journey is going to be tough and you're going to constantly want it to just be over but persevere and I can absolutely guarantee you that afterwards it's all worth it.
You're capable of so so much more but you have to allow that to happen first.

My favourite quote from one of my all time favourite people - ''You can't have sunshine without a little rain, but plants need both to grow.''

L x


5 comments:

  1. I know i dont know you but just reading this article alone makes me so proud. Im glad that you've grown and you're now confident and you no longer struggle with any of this stuff. All the best to you.

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    1. That's honestly just made my day, thankyou SO much for the nice words and positivity!! L x

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  2. Until I was a teenager, I had a serious problem with food. A lot of it was because I had a bad self image. I know that seems like a cop out, but it is true. As soon as I got counseling to improve that self image, my food obsession went away. Reading this definitely stirred up a lot of feelings for me. You are an inspiration to many people, I'm sure.

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    1. That's awful, I'm so so proud that you overcame it. Thankyou so so so much for reading this. God bless x

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  3. Excellent blog, good to see someone is posting quality information. Thanks for sharing this useful information. Keep up the good work.
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