Tuesday, 21 February 2017

...my obsession.

my obsession. 

This post got majorly inspired by one of my recently close darlings, so here goes..

If you've read this blog before then you'll know I had an eating disorder but this post is gonna go a little deeper than others have.

I was in control, my weight became an obsession of mine still is really. However, I don't starve myself now but I would literally lie to everybody saying I've already ate. Being a certain size and being able to fit into a certain pair of jeans or a dress, I used to get off on the fact that the clothes that'd be too tight were now baggy and I'd live in Nike and Adidas tracksuit  because although they're the comfiest things in the world, it always concealed how thin I was becoming which I was so happy about. 

I never wanted help or to even talk to someone about this because I know they'd try convince me to eat and eventually I'd start eating again and I'd get healthy but that isn't what I wanted. I literally wanted to be non existent and eventually mind the pun but anorexia would swallow me up. That WAS what I wanted so so badly until.. I looked at my mums face when the doctor said what I weighed, and then something just clicked one day in my brain. 

I'm not even sure why I decided this but I wanted more, I wanted to start eating and it's been a while since that day and I do stop myself alot of the time from eating because I do have massive insecurities about the way I look. That's why I always hide my natural face under make up, even when I was ill I wore make up shades alot darker than my pale self but I was young, we all make make up mistakes.

Honestly, inside I'm just that little girl waiting to feel content with my body instead of always picking at my faults. 

If I could say anything to my younger self it's that thing's get so much better, you meet many new people and you help alot of them as well. You put your struggles out there for the world to know which could help another young person just like you and remember when you thought no boys would like you? Well baby girl, you meet a guy who understands you and although you with that guy for a while he does break your heart BUT so so many good things occur afterwards, you become confident in yourself and right now you're truly happy.
Oh and by the way young Liv, our accent that you first got bullied on is now something that people love, so stop tryna sound posh because we fail at that.

L x

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