Thursday, 9 February 2017

- mental illness -

What is mental illness to you?

Anxiety, depression and anorexia almost ruined me. 
I got succumbed into this bottomless pit that soon became my life. 
For years I was always trying to control my eating because I felt like that was ever the only thing I had 100% control over. I had no control over how school went or if people liked me but I had control over what I ate.

A mental illness is defined as a condition which causes serious disorder in a person's behaviour or thinking, however anyone suffering with a mental illness can tell you that it is not something that can be summed up so concisely. A mental illness is a very personal and complex issue, which affects everyone differently. For some of us it comes in waves, crippling us and forcing us to hide away from the world, and for others it is a constant feeling, influencing every thought and action of our lives.

But for me..

Mental illness is scary, dark and frightening. It's something I never really understood until mine deteriorated. I never understood how or why one bad day could literally cripple me, I never understood how my brain could make one little thing turn into this huge issue for me.
I never understood what anxiety was, until I suffered from it severely.
It's varied, recently it's stopped controlling me as much as it did but let me tell you about that dark place I call my mind..

I didn't trust people, it made me question why people even bothered with me because I absolutely hated myself. I hated that I couldn't even continue starving myself because that little voice of hope that I had left wanted me to be stronger and I couldn't give up on myself just yet.
I had this darkness completely absorbed in me and I couldn't let go of it, when I did get a glimmer of happiness it scared me. It scared me because I was so used to feeling this numbness so when I felt genuine happiness I panicked and I wanted to just feel numb again.
However, I couldn't feel that numbness forever. I wanted more.

But wanting a different feeling other than numb was scary, I was scared of allowing myself to become vulnerable to my feelings again because when I did get so stuck in my feelings I allowed peoples opinions to basically change me and now I'm alot stronger in my mentality I hate myself for allowing such vicious words to become what I truly thought of myself because that's not true.

Suffering from a mental illness isn't easy and I know so many people who fail to understand it think it's just because you'r a weak person. But, believe me to continue fighting every single day whilst you're suffering with this it's such a fucking strong thing to do. I know so many people have ended their lives over mental illness and it's such an awful thing to live with especially with the stigma surrounding it constantly. Never ever give up, I know the world makes you feel like you don't matter to anybody and it'd be so much better if you weren't here but that's not true. You're so important, you're so needed and you're so worth it.

Keep fighting this fight baby.

L x


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