Saturday, 25 February 2017

..love.

Love isn't about spending money on things, it isn't about always buying roses and going out on dates. 
Love isn't constantly going on dates and taking cute selfies. Love isn't always saying ''I love you.' 
It isn't writing all over social media how in love with one another you are, it's none of that.

Love is being there for someone when all they wanna do is breakdown and cry, it's letting that person know you understand, no matter how hard it is you make it your mission to understand your partners likes/dislikes. Knowing the little things about them like why they have a scar on their ankle from when they were little or why they can't watch dirty dancing without crying. 
It's understanding why they have abandonment issues, it's understanding why they still have little memory boxes in their room. 

Love is being able to deal with the bad times, when I say bad I mean the fights, the crying, the upset. Not everything is going to be perfect in the relationship but I don't believe in giving up on the person you love. No matter what shit you're going through, whether you think you're looking out for them or not. You never ever give up on the person you love. 
Love is never giving up. Not giving up at the first hurdle, having regrets is probably just as bad as heartbreak itself. 
Love is not being afraid. Being able to let your guard down because you 100% trust that person, that person being able to knock all your barriers and walls down until your guard no longer ever needs to be up. 

Love is being able to accept each others faults yet they make you both perfectly imperfect. Yet perfection is only perception - as we all know nothing is ever perfect, yet if you truly love that person no matter what happens it's always going to be worth it. 
Loving someone with a mental illness is hard. One day it can literally be the best thing in the world and the next day it can be full of crying, arguing, paranoid thoughts going round and round in the persons head. 

For me, when I was in a relationship with my bestfriend some days it'd be the absolute best thing yet it could take one teeny tiny thing to trigger unwanted feelings and I'd just wanna hide away in his room. There were so so many arguments we had over stupid things and I regret always causing these arguments, it wasn't what eventually broke us up but all these little arguments build up and build up. 
I always used to say 'I'm leaving you, I'm done' but I wasn't done, I wanted him to fight for me and almost every single time he did. 

Love is about appreciating the little things like just watching netflix in bed or them late night conversations about your future. Love is being with your bestfriend and appreciating the little things.
Love is happiness, pain, sadness and pure contentment all rolled into one yet the good always over weighs the bad. 

Always fight for what you want, no matter how hard it feels, no matter how much you're struggling to keep going. Fight. 

L x

Friday, 24 February 2017

...what's life REALLY like with an eating disorder?

You see so many ''pro - Ana'' and ''pro - Mia'' pages on Instagram and tumblr and they always have the same images. A pretty young girl trying to lose weight. 
That isn't how it really is to have an eating disorder. 
Let me give you MY insight into what life is truly like whilst living with this..

Crippling. Paralyzing. Broken. 
3 words that described my life, I felt broken because I wanted to look like every other girl my age. I ween't overweight or chubby, I was just a normal healthy weight but I hated it. 
I wasn't from around Norfolk so I hadn't built these friendships up like everybody else had so it was becoming harder and harder to make friends with people. 
I got called ''fat'' by this girl and her friends and after a while I could see exactly what they were talking about. 

I saw these stretch marks on my legs and I hated it, my mama just said it was a normal part of getting older and growing but I DIDN'T want them. They made me feel like as I got more of them I was getting fatter and fatter and I felt like I was fighting against being what I thought was fat. However that isn't the case, I was getting bigger.. I was getting smaller.

The thought of food made me feel sick, I wanted to go to school and make friends and do all that other bullshit that people say you should do in high school yet I couldn't. I could barely walk out of my house without thinking everybody's just staring at how fat and ugly I was. 
There was a point where I thought I'd try go and go into school for a couple hours, so I got ready and then it came time to put the uniform on and I just couldn't. I felt weak and ashamed that I was so full of fear of doing something so simple. 

One of the times I went to counselling I had to get weighed but I had to get undressed and although my mum was in the room with me I was ashamed for someone to see my body looking like this. Completely skin and bones. You literally lose your dignity and you barely feel human anymore well I didn't. 

I felt like no matter how many counselors or doctors I spoke to none of them could understand me. None of them could understand that I no longer wanted to be helped with this, I had given up on myself.
With writing this blog I always get asked if I've ever felt suicidal and if so why did I never go to self harm? I never self harmed because me starving myself already was harming me slowly and slowly I got worse. My doctor had concluded that this was my way of self harm, because I didn't want to exist. I was absolutely done with everything and I just wanted it to all be over.

The worst part of an eating disorder though, was recovery for me personally. 
If I had bad days them voices would come back and all I'd hear was ''you're fat'', ''don't eat that, you'll look even worse'' and the voices would get louder and feel more powerful but then I had to think, are these actual thoughts about myself or are these thoughts of Ana? 
And it was that mindset that helped me get better and eventually become stronger. 
I learnt how to separate the actual thoughts of myself to the ones my eating disorder made me think. I learnt how to love my flaws and love the things about myself I grew hating about myself like my stretch marks, I LOVE them. My scar on my elbow, I think it looks cool as fuck (although it's still a huge insecurity of mine). 

This post is to make people that haven't gone through eating disorders or anything like that to fully understand. Understanding that it doesn't just go away, it's ALWAYS there however the way you manage it is completely different with everybody. It's been a while since I had them feelings about myself and it isn't always easy to control them but I'm stronger and self love is one of the most important key things when in recovery. 
Learning to love yourself after you've hated yourself for so long is hard but it's one of the most rewarding things. You learn to love the little things and spend less time focusing on the things the things you disliked about yourself.

Learn to love the little things about yourself because you deserve to see what everybody else can, 

L x

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

...body issues.

I can only talk about my personal body issues because of course we're all different but here's my lil story of my body issues past and current..
I never thought I was ''fat'' or even ''overweight'' until I got called that alot and then all of a sudden I'd look in mirrors and I'd look at my body for so long I'd find faults in absolutely everything. 
My legs? Too fat. My belly? Too big.
Literally, when I was younger I had these beautiful freckles on my face and at the time I absolutely hated them, everyone else and my mama loved them but I despised them so I always no matter what went to High School covered in make up - okay I always wore make up alot darker than my actual skin tone because I'm a pale woman that could never find her shade hahaha.

But anyway back to the point...

I'd always stare at my body in mirrors before I'd shower and I'd always wanna change my body because I always felt ''fat'', like I wasn't but in my head I literally had these voices in my head telling me how fat and ugly I was. No matter what anybody would say to me, these thoughts would overpower everything. They consumed my every being and these voices controlled me, I'd feel like crying at just the thought of eating yet for a while this was my own little secret. I thought maybe people would just think I'm losing weight and developing properly but really? I wasn't. 
I wasn't healthy, far from it actually and it was becoming more obvious, I was always getting weighed at the doctors or I was always at counselling sessions. 
The thing nobody could ever understand? I didn't want help. 
I didn't want to get better then go to school and pretend I'm happy being there. 

School used to be a safe haven because I loved it, I loved English and History. I just loved learning new shit but then after everything had happened there and I started going there again I hated it. 
I was constantly reminded that although I wasn't getting any better any quicker, School was constantly changing and everyone had moved on.. apart from me. 
I was so absorbed by this eating disorder and nobody at school could understand, I remember going back to my first lesson and people had asked where I'd been, what am I supposed to say back to that? Once I'd had one day off, I became overly comfortable in that so I'd have another and another and another because I fucking hated school.

Now? I still have the same body issues apart from I have a different mentality now. I became alot stronger, I have to be strong because I know how easy it is to slip back into old bad habits and quite frankly I don't want that. I am confident, I don't look at my body and think ''oh I'd love to change this'' or ''I'm still so fat'' I think this is something so strong because when I've been feeling weak mentality it still carries on. I am still able to breathe and feel and although my feelings sometimes scare me, I'd rather feel something than not feel at all.

This post isn't to encourage starving yourselves, it's for you all out there struggling to know that although the place you are in right now is one of the worst places to be mentality, you WILL become better than this, this doesn't define you and once you realise that you're one of the most important human beings on this planet. You'll realise just how fucking great you all are. 

contact meeee!
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
insta - livnizzzle
gmail - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Keep fighting baby. 

L x

..my thoughts now.

My brain is one jumbled mess right now, you know I used to be so insecure about myself that I would  constantly have these negative thoughts going round and round in my head and it drove it absolutely crazy.
Old and new people have come into my life recently and you know I'm a very different person to how I was back then don't get me wrong yet the people that once left me ALWAYS come back. Like honestly, why? I don't care what's new in your life, I don't care if you're seeing someone.

Honestly, if you've chose to get the fuck outta my life then stay out because what's the point of coming back when I'm getting my shit together, I'm feeling so much stronger than when you actually knew me and you come back into my life acting like nothings changed when everything has changed. You get so consumed by the negativeness portrayed by other people that you start to lose yourself in that.
You lose yourself trying to help somebody else and that's not cool, it can take decades building yourself up to the truly amazing person you are an it can take less than 5 shitty minutes to completely change your outlook on yourself and I hate that.

People aren't born with this huge confidence it's built up over time and when I was younger I was loud and funny and I didn't care about anything and until I got to Fakenham High School that kid that was so full of life became this empty shell of herself.
I'll be honest, it took someone breaking her heart and then her seeing someone who constantly wanted her to go out and meet the people he hung round with to give her confidence again.

I personally have to thank so many people I've met since after my birthday, there's good and bad but you all contributed to me gaining this huge confidence within myself which I hadn't had in YEARS so I appreciate that.
With this new confidence comes a new attitude, and I've become stronger and more passionate about helping others like me.

L x

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

...my obsession.

my obsession. 

This post got majorly inspired by one of my recently close darlings, so here goes..

If you've read this blog before then you'll know I had an eating disorder but this post is gonna go a little deeper than others have.

I was in control, my weight became an obsession of mine still is really. However, I don't starve myself now but I would literally lie to everybody saying I've already ate. Being a certain size and being able to fit into a certain pair of jeans or a dress, I used to get off on the fact that the clothes that'd be too tight were now baggy and I'd live in Nike and Adidas tracksuit  because although they're the comfiest things in the world, it always concealed how thin I was becoming which I was so happy about. 

I never wanted help or to even talk to someone about this because I know they'd try convince me to eat and eventually I'd start eating again and I'd get healthy but that isn't what I wanted. I literally wanted to be non existent and eventually mind the pun but anorexia would swallow me up. That WAS what I wanted so so badly until.. I looked at my mums face when the doctor said what I weighed, and then something just clicked one day in my brain. 

I'm not even sure why I decided this but I wanted more, I wanted to start eating and it's been a while since that day and I do stop myself alot of the time from eating because I do have massive insecurities about the way I look. That's why I always hide my natural face under make up, even when I was ill I wore make up shades alot darker than my pale self but I was young, we all make make up mistakes.

Honestly, inside I'm just that little girl waiting to feel content with my body instead of always picking at my faults. 

If I could say anything to my younger self it's that thing's get so much better, you meet many new people and you help alot of them as well. You put your struggles out there for the world to know which could help another young person just like you and remember when you thought no boys would like you? Well baby girl, you meet a guy who understands you and although you with that guy for a while he does break your heart BUT so so many good things occur afterwards, you become confident in yourself and right now you're truly happy.
Oh and by the way young Liv, our accent that you first got bullied on is now something that people love, so stop tryna sound posh because we fail at that.

L x



Monday, 20 February 2017

time to talk day.

Whenever somebody asks me why I write about mental health I never just say one reason because there isn't. 
I write because I struggled for years with mental illnesses, I was so embarrassed to even admit I was struggling. I always thought people would think differently of me because of it and I'm not gonna lie some people do think differently of me but they don't matter in my life, it's always the strongest people that have struggles and then can eventually overcome them. 

People get uncomfortable talking about mental health mainly for the fact they don't understand, so they'll make it a taboo subject which it really shouldn't be. We all talk about our physical health so why is our mental state completely different? 
There needs to be a continuous talk about mental health because quite frankly the word 'depressed' gets thrown around so so much. I was talking to someone earlier and they said they broke their watch and was so depressed, REALLY? You're depressed over a watch breaking, okay sweetheart. 
Depression isn't something to laugh about and it isn't a term you can throw around lightly, depression is extremely fucking crippling and it's an invisible disability because nobody else can see it but it's there and it never fucking leaves. 

I talk about mental health because not talking almost killed me. My parents nearly lost a daughter, my siblings nearly lost a sister and whilst on this mental health journey of mine I never realised how much of an impact it had on my family. I always think it only affected me because I was the one not eating or anything but that really affected my family on a level I can't even begin to explain.

You only truly learn who's gonna stick around and have your back when you're at your lowest and I realised that the only people that truly had my back was my family. Especially my mama, I've wrote so much about her in so many other posts but she really is a godsend. She fought so hard for me in School meetings, she was my voice when I lost mine. I couldn't talk about my emotions still can't really because I hate feeling vulnerable with people. I hate people seeing me like that or knowing truly what goes through my head. 
My emotions scare me as well because I never want to feel 100% about a person because so many people have left me and I always act like it doesn't bother me yet it does, my bestfriend chose drugs over me, my friends chose other people and it seemed like everyone forgot about me.

Talking IS okay, it doesn't make you weak infact talking and allowing people to break your barriers down is one of the strongest things you can do regarding mental illness, talking literally saved me and it can save so many other people too it just takes alot more people to understand and nurture those that truly need nurturing. They'll thank you in the long run. 

Learn to listen and you may just change lives,

L x 



Sunday, 19 February 2017

What I want people to understand...

Alot of people don't understand mental illnesses and therefore they struggle to understand me as a person so I'm gonna let you all know a little of me..

I used to need to have control that's why I stopped eating, I wasn't in control of what happened at school or anything but I was so in control of what I put into my body. I stopped eating for a long long time, I became secretive and extremely paranoid people would find out that I was starving myself. 
Eventually they did and after a while of trying to change my eating - I eventually managed to overcome my eating issues however they are still there always constantly in the back of my mind. 

I have anxiety. Although that doesn't stop me from going out and meeting new people. 
I used to be so scared of just leaving my own house that I'd cry if I even had too, I'd make so many excuses as to why I can't meet up with people. I don't really talk to anybody because of it as well. People don't realise that anxiety stops you from doing the things other people find normal, like I can't just go out and become friends with people because I have this HUGE fear of eventually someone just deciding they don't want me around so that's why I won't bother that much with people.

I distance myself from people because so so many people I got attached too had left me without any explanation or good enough reason. I get attached probably way too quickly to people as well which always fucking sucks because then I become way too forward about shit which puts alot of people off.
However, once you really get to know me you'll realise I'm ridiculously loyal and I always have your back, I may be blunt sometimes but I do care, I care way more than people realise and sometimes on the rare occasion I set my expectations way too high so I end up just disappointing myself. 
I don't mean to be closed off either like I'm really trying to not be but it's hard I guess.

Love yourself before you love anybody else,

L x

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

...a letter to my EX boyfriend.

Dear my EX boyfriend, 


It's just hit 10pm and at the beginning of this week we spoke. and ever since then I've had so much I've wanted to say but I kept quiet until now. 
But I kinda need to get this off my chest so here goes..

First of all, you told me we split up on the 19th of October but that's wrong. You broke up with me on the 19th of September when I got to your house impulsively even though you said you didn't actually wanna break up with me. 

Second of all, you left me with questions. When I asked for the clothes I'd left at yours you wouldn't give them me and you kept saying it wasn't what you wanted. YOU had me begging and pleading with you to change your mind and it was like you got off on making me hurt more. I didn't like crying in front of people but I was literally so fucking devastated I poured my entire heart and soul into that relationship and you wanted to end things with me that quickly. 

On my birthday you stood me up and left me disappointed and angry. I knew then that we wasn't ever going to fix things so I texted your dad and told him how bad your drug habit got. I didn't care if you hated me for it but I absolutely hated you for everything. You lied, constantly and because I put so much trust into you, I believed you, lie after lie after lie. 
I was so reliant on you and you dropped me like it was nothing and it broke my heart. 

YOU who was supposed to be my bestfriend, the love of my life broke my heart. I was extremely fragile at that time and I literally thought I'd be so lost without you, but look..

I'm happy. I've met so many amazing people and I've put myself out of this comfort I set myself. 
I no longer let my anxiety control me anymore because I know I'm so so much better than that. You hurting me was exactly what I needed in a strange way. I needed that pain to fuel me and guide me to where I am now so I'm grateful.

I'm doing so so much better without you and that is something I never thought I'd be able to say. I lost my bestfriend but I gained a better Liv. I gained a new perspective and that is that I didn't need you. You should never be in a relationship where you literally need the other person - I'm my own person, I rely on myself.

ThankYOU for leaving me because that allowed me to genuinely find myself and right now, things are going perfectly.

Good luck with everything you do in life,

L x





Tuesday, 14 February 2017

...straightforwardness,

I'm quite a straight forward person, if I like you then I'll let that be known, however I've realised that so so so many people love playing these back and forth games. 
You say 'let's just go with the flow' yet your actions suggest otherwise.. 

I've always rushed into things and that's probably my problem but I'd rather someone let me know if they're meeting other girls as well as me you know so then I wouldn't stop meeting other guys you know? That probably sounds so bad but I wouldn't give 100% to someone that isn't sure about me, like I'd just wanna be exclusive with someone rather than it all be a big fucking confusion. 

I love being terribly straightforward, like why not just tell that boy/girl you like them? Why not kiss that person again? You know, I used to date this guy called Rhys and when I left his I'd always regret not telling him what was on my mind or even just kissing him one last time, when we ended I regretted not being more open, or telling him I loved him more because nothing is ever promised. 
Literally, one day he woke up and it was like he suddenly decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and I never thought shit like that could actually happen but it did. So, that's why I feel so strongly about being straightforward.. 

If you're into someone, TELL them. It's nerve wracking but what have you truly got to lose? If they say no, accept it and move on but imagine if they were feeling the same but they felt nervous about it too.. 
When your actions make feelings clear but your words are a whole jumbling mess then just be open as fuck. ASK them what they want, you could either gain something or gain a better perspective because they didn't want that just yet. 

I talk to someone that isn't at all straightforward, they answer questions with questions and it absolutely does my head in. 

NEVER be afraid of being ridiculously straightforward.

L x

Thursday, 9 February 2017

- mental illness -

What is mental illness to you?

Anxiety, depression and anorexia almost ruined me. 
I got succumbed into this bottomless pit that soon became my life. 
For years I was always trying to control my eating because I felt like that was ever the only thing I had 100% control over. I had no control over how school went or if people liked me but I had control over what I ate.

A mental illness is defined as a condition which causes serious disorder in a person's behaviour or thinking, however anyone suffering with a mental illness can tell you that it is not something that can be summed up so concisely. A mental illness is a very personal and complex issue, which affects everyone differently. For some of us it comes in waves, crippling us and forcing us to hide away from the world, and for others it is a constant feeling, influencing every thought and action of our lives.

But for me..

Mental illness is scary, dark and frightening. It's something I never really understood until mine deteriorated. I never understood how or why one bad day could literally cripple me, I never understood how my brain could make one little thing turn into this huge issue for me.
I never understood what anxiety was, until I suffered from it severely.
It's varied, recently it's stopped controlling me as much as it did but let me tell you about that dark place I call my mind..

I didn't trust people, it made me question why people even bothered with me because I absolutely hated myself. I hated that I couldn't even continue starving myself because that little voice of hope that I had left wanted me to be stronger and I couldn't give up on myself just yet.
I had this darkness completely absorbed in me and I couldn't let go of it, when I did get a glimmer of happiness it scared me. It scared me because I was so used to feeling this numbness so when I felt genuine happiness I panicked and I wanted to just feel numb again.
However, I couldn't feel that numbness forever. I wanted more.

But wanting a different feeling other than numb was scary, I was scared of allowing myself to become vulnerable to my feelings again because when I did get so stuck in my feelings I allowed peoples opinions to basically change me and now I'm alot stronger in my mentality I hate myself for allowing such vicious words to become what I truly thought of myself because that's not true.

Suffering from a mental illness isn't easy and I know so many people who fail to understand it think it's just because you'r a weak person. But, believe me to continue fighting every single day whilst you're suffering with this it's such a fucking strong thing to do. I know so many people have ended their lives over mental illness and it's such an awful thing to live with especially with the stigma surrounding it constantly. Never ever give up, I know the world makes you feel like you don't matter to anybody and it'd be so much better if you weren't here but that's not true. You're so important, you're so needed and you're so worth it.

Keep fighting this fight baby.

L x