Friday, 20 January 2017

open wounds.

It's so extremely hard to heal wounds that are so open and still hurt. 
Wounds that are more mental than physical but still are so excruciating, and even when you seem happy it's still always there. 

It's hard to try and convince yourself that you're happy when they hurt just as much as when they were first created. They still bleed when you feel down but they bleed so much you feel like you're suffocating on your own pain. 

This is how it feels to live in a state of constant anxiety, constant depression. 
Constant paranoia.
I hate me.. so how can YOU find something good about me when I can't even find that about myself? 
To live in a state of weariness and to be always on your guard waiting for things to fuck up isn't how I want to spend my time, I don't want to not trust the people I spend my time with but I get so stuck in my own head that I literally zone out alot of the time.

I zone out because I have so so many thoughts going round in my head yet whenever somebody asks why I'm so quiet I always just say "I'm always quiet, I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

Something I'm the complete opposite of. I want someone to understand why I'm like how I am yet I have this HUGE fear of being vulnerable to another person which makes me really closed off and I don't know how to change.
I've been so used to feeling some type of broken whilst in a relationship that I get overwhelmed when I don't. Lemme just write that again...
I get overwhelmed when I don't feel broken. How fucked up is that?

I always wanted to feel any other emotion but broken and now that I'm genuinely really quite happy I don't know how to feel because whenever I did feel an ounce of proper contentment it majorly fucked up quickly afterwards and I don't want. 

Open wounds take time to heal however, how long is long enough? A week? A month? Years? 
Sometimes you just gotta close the door on chapters that didn't work and focus on the chapter you're living because YOU deserve so much more than you're allowing yourself to have.

L x  


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