Monday, 23 January 2017

MY ANXiETY.

I call it mine because the bitch has been with me for so long now it's become apart of me, so let's get crackin with this post..

My anxiety affects EVERYTHING. I can go from smiling and feeling so fricking good to then just wanting to get under my duvet and stay there for weeks.. but one thing I have realised is that even though every day's a fucking challenge for me, I put my feelings aside and be there for the person that needs me and that's one thing anxiety cannot control me over. 
When I thought I was weak and unlovable I found out that I loved the hardest, I gave everything for what I loved and I'd do it all over again too. 

Having anxiety yet wanting everybody to think you're this confident outgoing person is hard as fuck because when you get closer and the people know you better and then they find out about my anxiety, they struggle to understand because I portrayed myself as someone super confident and all that. 

Being in a relationship whilst having anxiety is literally like being in a three way relationship, it causes unnecessary arguments but one thing I did appreciate is that whenever I needed reassurance I ALWAYS got it,  I always got that constant feeling of I'm not in this alone and he had me, which he did..

I used to love just being by myself, I much preferred my company over anybody else's but I'd overthink.. it could start off as something little, and then it'd get bigger and bigger and BIGGER. Something that wasn't that much of a big deal, became the thing my mind would constantly worry about. My favourite feeling became numb, I'd rather feel numb to everything than feel happy or sad because then your feelings effect you more.
I go out to fill the void, fill the feeling of nothing. I used to fucking love feeling nothing and numb, but going from feeling something to nothing wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted to feel how I felt before, happy and content with how shit was going.

Because I still struggle massively with my eating, whenever I feel sad I stop myself from eating and I literally have to force myself to eat otherwise I won't eat. My throat closes up and I just get so upset with everything like it isn't just one thing that causes it. It's loads of little things that add together and form this big black hole in my life and yeah.
I struggle to get close with people because I used to have this huge fear of everybody just suddenly leaving me one day and I always get attached to people way too quickly so I have to sort of distance myself from people alot of the time and they always think it's shady but they don't get why I do it and I wish I didn't but it's just what I do I guess.

I guess I just gotta try harder to overcome this bullshit.

Until next time.

L x



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