Eating disorders aren't pretty or on trend, it isn't wanting to have the smallest waist and have an amazing figure etc.
Eating disorders are ugly and can make you literally hate everything about yourself. I didn't always struggle with eating and I didn't even care if I put weight on either, however things had happened and then suddenly my weight became the biggest and most important thing to me.
I became really secretive about it because I didn't want anybody to know, they'd try to help me and at that point I didn't want help. I wanted this to be my own little secret and I had so many things constantly going round and round in my head and it's hard to feel good when everything i your head is convincing you you're fat, you're ugly etc.
I always had to go to hospitals and the doctors just to get weighed and I remember one time I had to stand on these scales in just my underwear to be weighed and it was one of the most demeaning things I had to go through yet I still couldn't push myself to eat. I was so scared of putting weight on and it'd literally be my biggest fear. Like if I put weight on I'd be so unhappy and just want to cry my eyes out.
It's so hard to not be able to do something that's so fucking easy for everybody else, I just wanted to be normal and I couldn't be because I had this whole weight surrounding me and I thought I'd never be free of it.
In one of the counselling sessions I had, I had to sit around this table with other people my age and younger that suffered with an eating disorder as well and we all had to eat all of our packed lunch. It's absolutely horrible to try and eat when the thought of even putting food near my mouth made me just wanna be sick and run outta that room as far as I could.
Seeing other people suffer with the same thing I suffered with really opened my mind though, I couldn't see how bad it was getting and how skinny I was becoming like it got so goddamn unhealthy.
But it wasn't just my weight that suffered with me not eating, my skin suffered, my bones literally still suffer and I was actually starting to lose my hair because I weren't eating anything and I used to be so bothered about my appearance yet I didn't care anymore. I had completely given up on myself and I just didn't want to exist anymore.
Eating disorders are so dangerous and harmful, never ever feel like you're alone and have nowhere to go or turn too because feeling like you've only got yourself is such a shitty hard feeling and it makes things so so much worse. I wish I had the courage to talk to someone like truly just be open about what I was doing but I was so scared of everything, I was scared I'd get put into hospital and never see my mama again and I was scared I'd have to constantly hide things about school.
Right now, my eating habits have changed alot actually. I eat more than I used too but I'm not 100% about the way I look and I'll probably always have that issue but aslong as I can realise that I'm not fat and I'm not ugly and I'm not as bad as I tell myself I am then I hope I'll be just fine eventually.
I'm better than I think I am, I constantly put myself down over everything when I really shouldn't because the way I treat myself lets other people decide how they should treat me and if I treat myself so badly then others will think that's acceptable for them and that isn't right at all.