Monday, 23 January 2017

darkness.

Depression. 
That dark place in your mind that starts off as a small dark hole that slowly gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Combine that with anxiety and an eating disorder - you have your own personal hell. 
I already hated myself so how much worse could I get? I was on the verge of completely giving up on myself, I didn't give a fuck about anything. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care what people thought of me, I just didn't care at all. 

Sometimes I wish I still had that mentality because I do care what people think and I do care about how I look. Sometimes I think about good it'd be to not have to take 2 hours just to be able to feel confident enough to go out. 
I don't always have mega bad days but when I do I'm numb. I literally don't feel anything other than broken and I know I'm not broken but my mind tells me I'm this really fragile broken thing that by the slightest thing can make me break down and I physically know I'm not broken but I can't get myself out of that mindset. 

Right now, I have so many thoughts going round and round in my head and it's hard to talk to other people about it because people don't understand and it's hard to try and make someone understand when they literally have absolutely no idea what you're going through.
I met someone a while ago, let's call them D and we got so well but there was someone who thought that was weird because we hadn't known eachother long yet I trusted him insane amounts, I get vibes off people and he just made me feel so at ease and I liked that - plus he's northern too which of course made me trust him more. 

It sucks because we don't talk at all now but there's just something so endearing about D and he actually read a couple of my blog posts so he took the time to understand more about me and for that I'm grateful. 

I feel like I'm always on my guard so I never seem vulnerable and I hate that, I hate that for so long I would have done anything to feel something other than broken and now I'm kinda fearful of feeling happy. I've mentioned that a couple of times now but tonight I'm really just feeling it. I always hold alot of my feelings back because I don't wanna come off too strong and then people always assume I don't care or that I'm shady as fuck when I'm literally FAR from it. I've always held alot of my feelings back, for fear of it not working out and me ending up hurt.. so alot of the time I act like I don't care about a situation when I do. 

I'm a happy depressed person, that'll make no sense to you but lemme explain it..
I can go out, see my friends etc and feel happy, however I'm in a constant darkness which gets very lonely and nobody can understand that. It's like one side of me is all rainbows and unicorns and the others dull and grey.

Never give up on yourself. 

L x

  

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