Sunday, 15 January 2017

commitment issues.

Well, this post is gonna be real as fuck, raw and entirely honest so enjoy..

Committing to people isn't always easy for me, personally I don't think its easy for anyone else either but I always feel like before I give someone my 100% I have to see if they pass my little test like if you aren't loyal during the 'just talking' stage then it's super unlikely that you'll be loyal during the real thing.
I'm an all or nothing kinda person so I can't just see someone like I have to be in a proper relationship or I'm kinda feeling like what's the point?
When I go into a relationship I think of the future and if I can genuinely see you contributing something special into my life then I'll make alot more effort than the start.

I don't have super crazy commitment issues however, I find giving my all to somebody one of the scariest things. I have trust issues too like alot of people have come and gone in my life that I won't genuinely believe you unless I feel something different about you.
Committing to someone is a scary thing to me, for someone to be able to understand that alot of the time I'm gonna just go from super happy to kinda sad like 0 - 100 and have absolutely no reason for it like I always think how can I get someone to understand me when I don't even understand me but then I realise that I don't need someone to understand my anxiety, I just need someone to be there for me when I do suddenly just feel bad.

I feel like recently I've surrounded myself with people that actually make me feel at ease, for so long I always used to go out and not actually enjoy it etc so I'd fake being happy an all that shit however when I'm out I actually really enjoy myself that I can laugh like all the stupidest of things. I can't actually think of a time I've been happier than recently actually, maybe when I met Sean Kelly but that's about it you know.

I'm grateful like real grateful for all the bad shit that has happened because it's all lead me here now and I'm really happy now, I'm mega happy with the people around me, I'm happy in myself and I actually never thought I could say that I'm genuinely content with everything like it's overwhelming as fuck but I love it.
Having anxiety and being in a full proper relationship is kinda like being in a three way relationship.
You have the relationship you share with your anxiety and then you have the relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend which its hard to try and manage the two..
Anxiety doesn't just leave you so trying to cope with that as well as trying to get your partner to understand why your mood just suddenly changes or why you can't do the shit you could do last week, it becomes something that you feel you'd rather just keep to yourself because its easier.

However, keeping it to yourself will eventually just put a strain on the relationship for you, nobody's ever going to understand if you don't take that chance and help them understand. I know it's a scary feeling to be vulnerable and actually let someone know the kinda stuff that goes through your head but you have to be willing to let that side of you be seen, allow yourself to be vulnerable with the person you love because it's freeing. For you, it's like a weight that's been lifted off your chest and that's when you know you'll become better than anxiety and depression.

I always thought there's no point in putting effort into someone because they'll leave eventually but recently things have changed my mind and you know my bestfriend left me and I met so many new people and I doubt I'd be where I am now if I still spoke to that person so I'm grateful he left and I've realised this new like self realisation that I don't need someone to make me happy because if you know me personally then you'll know I can just sit on my own laughing at myself for hours so I genuinely make myself happy but if someone contributes good vibes to your life then you keep them because people like that are rare as fuck nowadays.

Thanks for always reading, 

L x

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