Sunday, 29 January 2017

let's talk.

Mental health is a subject many people still feel super uncomfortable talking about.
However it's this discomfort that causes the need for conversation. People have to have this conversation to gain a better understanding of how truly devastating mental illness can be.

For example - I know this 21 year old let's call him Lloyd and he personally has this good understanding and willingness to know more and more about mental illness and how bad I suffer with it. However, I know this 22 year old and let's call him Jay - he gets so uncomfortable about even talking about anxiety because he doesn't understand it and he's quite stuck in his ways so his views on anxiety are that I cause it myself which if I could stop I would and he just doesn't get that. I think highly of them both but when someone actually wants to know you and not the facade you put on that's when I can really connect with a person deeply.
I suffer with anxiety and depression - I have this fear of being vulnerable with another person and I can be quite closed off so for a person to understand all of that yet still not think any differently of you, amazes me.

Some people show true willingness to understand and actually get you as a person but some people can be so stuck in their own views which can be quite harmful if they actually know people with mental illness. Some people have their own opinions of mental health but if that just adds to the stigma of mental health then that sets back so many people.
I have this tough exterior but when you really get to know me you'll know that I'm actually a really delicate person like I have a super soft interior so that's probably why I've had so many setbacks because people who I've trusted to be vulnerable with have broken my heart.

I feel like the talk of mental health has to be shoved in peoples faces for them to actually take notice on how bad it can be, and how serious of a topic this is. For people to actually understand the extent of mental illness because if more people understood, more people wouldn't feel so conflicted in getting the help they truly need and deserve.
For so long I went without telling anyone what was going through my head because I didn't want people to know a vulnerable side of me and I wish I would have had the courage and didn't give a fuck what others would think because I probably woulda spoke up much sooner.

One day mental health won't be such an uncomfortable topic and I hope that day happens soon because so many people are living through this stigma and are keeping quiet on how they truly feel and that isn't fair.
In the UK in 2014 there were 6,122 registered suicides. That is an enormous statistic and one thing that really hits is that a huge percentage of that is children aged 10 and over. More and more young children are experiencing some sort of mental health issues and because they're quite young they have absolutely no idea what's going on in their heads and that's such a scary thing for an adult to have let alone a child. So we as adults have to truly educate one another and help future generations feel comfortable and safe talking about these issues.

You ARE special, You ARE important and YOU ARE WORTH IT. 


L x  



Thursday, 26 January 2017

what's on my mind?...

Right now my minds full of thoughts of everything.

Hey guys, it's currently 6am. I can't sleep and I'm thinking of everything so I'd like to just unravel my thoughts on this post..

For years I struggled with anorexia. Just that word makes people uncomfortable, but me? It makes m proud. Proud because after years of struggling so badly with it, I got better with the help of my mama and my entire family. I used to be so embarrassed of telling people why I suddenly just stopped going to school or why people never saw me anymore and that was the reason. I was constantly going to see doctors and going to counselling sessions. That's what my life became. Constantly getting weighed secretly hoping I'd never put weight on but it got to a certain point and I was getting worse and worse, and I decided I didn't want that for myself anymore.

It's been a while that I've been in recovery for anorexia now and you know what? My eating still has its moments but I push myself and force myself into eating because I'm not that person that whenever I get stressed or have a bad day I suddenly want to stop eating because I'm so much stronger than that.
Having an eating disorder so severe didn't just affect me, it affected my entire family. Everyone became more protective of me and it brought everyone more closer. I sometimes forget how much of an impact it had on the people around me and I shouldn't.

Anxiety. Anxiety is something I've let control me for so long even after getting better with my eating disorder. It used to be so bad that I would literally cry at the thought of leaving my house, I used to make plans with people all the time and make some bullshit excuse at the last minute and I'd get so worried about just stepping out of my house that I'd get into such a state of panic. Right now though, my anxiety's slowly slowly SLOWLY getting to the point where I can go out, force myself to get up even on a bad day AND I can talk to new people.
I do have the best people around me right now, I literally going out now and sometimes I do zone out but alot of the time I'm smiling or just laughing because I never expected this in a million years so I feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world.


This blog is almost at 30 thousand readers too, and that's the craziest thing. I never believed anybody would be interested in anything I had to say yet so many people have continued to share and read my blog which makes me happier than you'll ever realise. I'm so so grateful to be able to do something I love every single day and it not get the least bit boring. I'm proud of how far this has come, I get so happy talking about what I do and all I ever want is to try and atleast make a difference and change the world basically. A small girl with big dreams.

ThankYOU all again for taking the time and effort out into reading something so personal and close to me which this blog is, I cannot thank you all enough because this is my reason for everything.

L x





The one that got away.

I used to think so badly of myself like when I'd meet new people I'd be so insecure that they'd just leave and I'd really try to distance myself from everybody new.
I had a bestfriend and when he knew me I was so fucking insecure that he'd leave and I was ridiculously paranoid then too.

He always told me that he'd never leave etc and for a while a part of me believed him until one day he found something that was better than me. Drugs.
And if you've followed my blog since my birthday then you'll know he stood me up for that as well.

The title of this post is kinda misleading really because he isn't the one that got away. I am.
For the first time, I'm going to do a blog post that's positive about myself so if you have an ex too that never deserved you then this goes out to you.

I miss my bestfriend, I do. However, there comes a point where something just clicks in your brain and you finally realise that you don't need them, you couldn't rely on them because they were unreliable and they weren't consistent so you distance yourself, and it's okay to miss the person they were but you have to realise they aren't that person.

I've left alot of people who just straight up don't deserve me. I struggled so fucking much with realising my self worth so now that I do I'm not going to let someone treat me that badly and just continually make me look stupid. I'm not about that.
After I stopped speaking to my bestfriend, I saw a canvas he got me - an elephant one. I also found a hammer on my bedroom floor (don't ask why I had a hammer, I don't fucking know) but I literally took a hammer to it, I destroyed the canvas but I felt so fucking good afterwards.

I was so angry, angry that he made me look like a fucking idiot but it's been quite a while now and I'm genuinely happy. People have still come and gone in and outta my life but that's okay because they obviously wasn't meant to stay but right now I'm grateful for my bestfriend leaving, - he probably won't read this but thankyou, I appreciate you for choosing drugs over me because you made me reevaluate myself and I realised I deserved better. I deserved better than someone that could be that influenced by something so toxic.

Let's all give a toast to shitty ex's.

Don't cry over people who don't deserve you, you're WAY better than that. 

L x

Monday, 23 January 2017

What I want you to know about my mental illness?...

It isn't me.
It isn't a choice.
I hate it.

If I could pick a life without anxiety I'd have it without a second thought. Fair enough my anxiety isn't as bad as it used to be but it still has its moments and when it does, it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
Having anxiety isn't being nervous about something or if your mood changes because of it it doesn't mean I'm moody. It means I need understanding and I need you to realise that this isn't a choice to me at all.

I'd rather just be moody then feel this anxious, anxiety is fucking crippling and it stops you from doing so so many things. There was a point where my anxiety was that bad I couldn't even leave my own fucking house, I don't have many friends and the friends I do have I don't even dare talk to them about this. I used to feel like I'm some broken mess that can't ever be fixed and these past few weeks have shown that I'm not broken, not even a little bit but I still have hurdles to go through and I have to realise that it isn't just going to go away that easy.

I always feel like I have to put this facade on, I know it seems so silly but I use my make up as my confident self. I wear it every single day and it makes me so goddamn happy because it's a like a new liv on top of the old liv and honestly, that's why I wear make up.
It makes me happy.

The media shows mental illness as being someone crazy that hurts people or kills people etc. You know people have murdered and hurt so so many people and then they've pleaded insanity, alot of people have done horrible crimes because of certain undiagnosed however not that doesn't mean everyone with a mental illness is someone crazy.
The stigma is so so high surrounding mental health that so many people don't speak up that are needing the help because they get so afraid of what people will say. People judge if you try and get help and people will judge if you don't - so YOU have to ignore the people that are hatin and focus on the ones that are trying to help because they'll only deter you from feeling better within yourself.

One thing I'd like people to not do though is take pity or sympathy on me, I have got over years of bullying, I have gotten over an eating disorder - I AM a fucking warrior.

L x

MY ANXiETY.

I call it mine because the bitch has been with me for so long now it's become apart of me, so let's get crackin with this post..

My anxiety affects EVERYTHING. I can go from smiling and feeling so fricking good to then just wanting to get under my duvet and stay there for weeks.. but one thing I have realised is that even though every day's a fucking challenge for me, I put my feelings aside and be there for the person that needs me and that's one thing anxiety cannot control me over. 
When I thought I was weak and unlovable I found out that I loved the hardest, I gave everything for what I loved and I'd do it all over again too. 

Having anxiety yet wanting everybody to think you're this confident outgoing person is hard as fuck because when you get closer and the people know you better and then they find out about my anxiety, they struggle to understand because I portrayed myself as someone super confident and all that. 

Being in a relationship whilst having anxiety is literally like being in a three way relationship, it causes unnecessary arguments but one thing I did appreciate is that whenever I needed reassurance I ALWAYS got it,  I always got that constant feeling of I'm not in this alone and he had me, which he did..

I used to love just being by myself, I much preferred my company over anybody else's but I'd overthink.. it could start off as something little, and then it'd get bigger and bigger and BIGGER. Something that wasn't that much of a big deal, became the thing my mind would constantly worry about. My favourite feeling became numb, I'd rather feel numb to everything than feel happy or sad because then your feelings effect you more.
I go out to fill the void, fill the feeling of nothing. I used to fucking love feeling nothing and numb, but going from feeling something to nothing wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted to feel how I felt before, happy and content with how shit was going.

Because I still struggle massively with my eating, whenever I feel sad I stop myself from eating and I literally have to force myself to eat otherwise I won't eat. My throat closes up and I just get so upset with everything like it isn't just one thing that causes it. It's loads of little things that add together and form this big black hole in my life and yeah.
I struggle to get close with people because I used to have this huge fear of everybody just suddenly leaving me one day and I always get attached to people way too quickly so I have to sort of distance myself from people alot of the time and they always think it's shady but they don't get why I do it and I wish I didn't but it's just what I do I guess.

I guess I just gotta try harder to overcome this bullshit.

Until next time.

L x



darkness.

Depression. 
That dark place in your mind that starts off as a small dark hole that slowly gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Combine that with anxiety and an eating disorder - you have your own personal hell. 
I already hated myself so how much worse could I get? I was on the verge of completely giving up on myself, I didn't give a fuck about anything. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care what people thought of me, I just didn't care at all. 

Sometimes I wish I still had that mentality because I do care what people think and I do care about how I look. Sometimes I think about good it'd be to not have to take 2 hours just to be able to feel confident enough to go out. 
I don't always have mega bad days but when I do I'm numb. I literally don't feel anything other than broken and I know I'm not broken but my mind tells me I'm this really fragile broken thing that by the slightest thing can make me break down and I physically know I'm not broken but I can't get myself out of that mindset. 

Right now, I have so many thoughts going round and round in my head and it's hard to talk to other people about it because people don't understand and it's hard to try and make someone understand when they literally have absolutely no idea what you're going through.
I met someone a while ago, let's call them D and we got so well but there was someone who thought that was weird because we hadn't known eachother long yet I trusted him insane amounts, I get vibes off people and he just made me feel so at ease and I liked that - plus he's northern too which of course made me trust him more. 

It sucks because we don't talk at all now but there's just something so endearing about D and he actually read a couple of my blog posts so he took the time to understand more about me and for that I'm grateful. 

I feel like I'm always on my guard so I never seem vulnerable and I hate that, I hate that for so long I would have done anything to feel something other than broken and now I'm kinda fearful of feeling happy. I've mentioned that a couple of times now but tonight I'm really just feeling it. I always hold alot of my feelings back because I don't wanna come off too strong and then people always assume I don't care or that I'm shady as fuck when I'm literally FAR from it. I've always held alot of my feelings back, for fear of it not working out and me ending up hurt.. so alot of the time I act like I don't care about a situation when I do. 

I'm a happy depressed person, that'll make no sense to you but lemme explain it..
I can go out, see my friends etc and feel happy, however I'm in a constant darkness which gets very lonely and nobody can understand that. It's like one side of me is all rainbows and unicorns and the others dull and grey.

Never give up on yourself. 

L x

  

Friday, 20 January 2017

open wounds.

It's so extremely hard to heal wounds that are so open and still hurt. 
Wounds that are more mental than physical but still are so excruciating, and even when you seem happy it's still always there. 

It's hard to try and convince yourself that you're happy when they hurt just as much as when they were first created. They still bleed when you feel down but they bleed so much you feel like you're suffocating on your own pain. 

This is how it feels to live in a state of constant anxiety, constant depression. 
Constant paranoia.
I hate me.. so how can YOU find something good about me when I can't even find that about myself? 
To live in a state of weariness and to be always on your guard waiting for things to fuck up isn't how I want to spend my time, I don't want to not trust the people I spend my time with but I get so stuck in my own head that I literally zone out alot of the time.

I zone out because I have so so many thoughts going round in my head yet whenever somebody asks why I'm so quiet I always just say "I'm always quiet, I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

Something I'm the complete opposite of. I want someone to understand why I'm like how I am yet I have this HUGE fear of being vulnerable to another person which makes me really closed off and I don't know how to change.
I've been so used to feeling some type of broken whilst in a relationship that I get overwhelmed when I don't. Lemme just write that again...
I get overwhelmed when I don't feel broken. How fucked up is that?

I always wanted to feel any other emotion but broken and now that I'm genuinely really quite happy I don't know how to feel because whenever I did feel an ounce of proper contentment it majorly fucked up quickly afterwards and I don't want. 

Open wounds take time to heal however, how long is long enough? A week? A month? Years? 
Sometimes you just gotta close the door on chapters that didn't work and focus on the chapter you're living because YOU deserve so much more than you're allowing yourself to have.

L x  


Monday, 16 January 2017

eating disorders part 3?

Hey guys, hope you've been enjoying my last couple of posts and I've wrote alot about eating disorders however alot of the stuff I've missed out because I just wasn't ready to talk about shit like that but here goes...

Eating disorders aren't pretty or on trend, it isn't wanting to have the smallest waist and have an amazing figure etc. 
Eating disorders are ugly and can make you literally hate everything about yourself. I didn't always struggle with eating and I didn't even care if I put weight on either, however things had happened and then suddenly my weight became the biggest and most important thing to me. 

I became really secretive about it because I didn't want anybody to know, they'd try to help me and at that point I didn't want help. I wanted this to be my own little secret and I had so many things constantly going round and round in my head and it's hard to feel good when everything i your head is convincing you you're fat, you're ugly etc. 

I always had to go to hospitals and the doctors just to get weighed and I remember one time I had to stand on these scales in just my underwear to be weighed and it was one of the most demeaning things I had to go through yet I still couldn't push myself to eat. I was so scared of putting weight on and it'd literally be my biggest fear. Like if I put weight on I'd be so unhappy and just want to cry my eyes out. 
It's so hard to not be able to do something that's so fucking easy for everybody else, I just wanted to be normal and I couldn't be because I had this whole weight surrounding me and I thought I'd never be free of it. 

In one of the counselling sessions I had, I had to sit around this table with other people my age and younger that suffered with an eating disorder as well and we all had to eat all of our packed lunch. It's absolutely horrible to try and eat when the thought of even putting food near my mouth made me just wanna be sick and run outta that room as far as I could. 
Seeing other people suffer with the same thing I suffered with really opened my mind though, I couldn't see how bad it was getting and how skinny I was becoming like it got so goddamn unhealthy. 

But it wasn't just my weight that suffered with me not eating, my skin suffered, my bones literally still suffer and I was actually starting to lose my hair because I weren't eating anything and I used to be so bothered about my appearance yet I didn't care anymore. I had completely given up on myself and I just didn't want to exist anymore. 

Eating disorders are so dangerous and harmful, never ever feel like you're alone and have nowhere to go or turn too because feeling like you've only got yourself is such a shitty hard feeling and it makes things so so much worse. I wish I had the courage to talk to someone like truly just be open about what I was doing but I was so scared of everything, I was scared I'd get put into hospital and never see my mama again and I was scared I'd have to constantly hide things about school. 

Right now, my eating habits have changed alot actually. I eat more than I used too but I'm not 100% about the way I look and I'll probably always have that issue but aslong as I can realise that I'm not fat and I'm not ugly and I'm not as bad as I tell myself I am then I hope I'll be just fine eventually. 
I'm better than I think I am, I constantly put myself down over everything when I really shouldn't because the way I treat myself lets other people decide how they should treat me and if I treat myself so badly then others will think that's acceptable for them and that isn't right at all.

You ARE important, 


You ARE worth it.


You ARE amazing..


L x

Gangsters mental health - part 1

This post is going to be SUPER different, I'm insanely fascinated by British history which includes British gangsters, the ones I'm most interested in are the Kray twins.. Ronnie and Reggie Kray were two of the most notorious gangsters in England as well as the Richardsons etc.

However, Ronnie Kray was most known for his mental illnesses - he's known as the 'crazy one'. 

He was first labelled insane and then later got diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic at the age of 22 whilst in prison. A lot of people feared him because he was such an unpredictable person and nobody could ever tell what he was going to do next. 
What I find particularly interesting though is he has an identical twin Reggie, so what made Ronnie so different compared to his own twin? Identical twins always have a 70% chance of either having bipolar disorder OR schizophrenia, non genetic factors play a huge role in the onset of these diseases. 

''Scientists have found that it isn't only genetic variations that are important. The epigenetic differences may tell us more about the causes of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, as some alterations were specific to either disease. Importantly, epigenetic processes are potentially reversible meaning that this research could open up new avenues for the development of novel therapeutic drugs.''

So, as well as him having schizophrenia he would take drugs which would inevitably make things so much worse. He was known to do Ecstasy which can also cause psychotic illnesses - so add that to his paranoid schizophrenia it most likely contributed to him committing crimes. Although he was always high as fuck on drugs and living with this unpredictable disease he still kept his morals of not hurting children and women which is pretty interesting because you'd think he wouldn't give a damn, yet he was such a well feared man yet still so well respected whether it's for the wrong reasons, it's upto you all to decide. 

However, I think he's one of the most fascinating people on this planet. I've always been so interested about gangsters and serial killers because really they're just ordinary people yet they can do some of the most heinous crimes - this will be a new little chapter on my blog for a little bit just to see how you all respond an if you like it or not and if not I'll come up with some other ideas but for now I hope you all enjoyed it and yeah hit em up with ideas. 

L x



Sunday, 15 January 2017

commitment issues.

Well, this post is gonna be real as fuck, raw and entirely honest so enjoy..

Committing to people isn't always easy for me, personally I don't think its easy for anyone else either but I always feel like before I give someone my 100% I have to see if they pass my little test like if you aren't loyal during the 'just talking' stage then it's super unlikely that you'll be loyal during the real thing.
I'm an all or nothing kinda person so I can't just see someone like I have to be in a proper relationship or I'm kinda feeling like what's the point?
When I go into a relationship I think of the future and if I can genuinely see you contributing something special into my life then I'll make alot more effort than the start.

I don't have super crazy commitment issues however, I find giving my all to somebody one of the scariest things. I have trust issues too like alot of people have come and gone in my life that I won't genuinely believe you unless I feel something different about you.
Committing to someone is a scary thing to me, for someone to be able to understand that alot of the time I'm gonna just go from super happy to kinda sad like 0 - 100 and have absolutely no reason for it like I always think how can I get someone to understand me when I don't even understand me but then I realise that I don't need someone to understand my anxiety, I just need someone to be there for me when I do suddenly just feel bad.

I feel like recently I've surrounded myself with people that actually make me feel at ease, for so long I always used to go out and not actually enjoy it etc so I'd fake being happy an all that shit however when I'm out I actually really enjoy myself that I can laugh like all the stupidest of things. I can't actually think of a time I've been happier than recently actually, maybe when I met Sean Kelly but that's about it you know.

I'm grateful like real grateful for all the bad shit that has happened because it's all lead me here now and I'm really happy now, I'm mega happy with the people around me, I'm happy in myself and I actually never thought I could say that I'm genuinely content with everything like it's overwhelming as fuck but I love it.
Having anxiety and being in a full proper relationship is kinda like being in a three way relationship.
You have the relationship you share with your anxiety and then you have the relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend which its hard to try and manage the two..
Anxiety doesn't just leave you so trying to cope with that as well as trying to get your partner to understand why your mood just suddenly changes or why you can't do the shit you could do last week, it becomes something that you feel you'd rather just keep to yourself because its easier.

However, keeping it to yourself will eventually just put a strain on the relationship for you, nobody's ever going to understand if you don't take that chance and help them understand. I know it's a scary feeling to be vulnerable and actually let someone know the kinda stuff that goes through your head but you have to be willing to let that side of you be seen, allow yourself to be vulnerable with the person you love because it's freeing. For you, it's like a weight that's been lifted off your chest and that's when you know you'll become better than anxiety and depression.

I always thought there's no point in putting effort into someone because they'll leave eventually but recently things have changed my mind and you know my bestfriend left me and I met so many new people and I doubt I'd be where I am now if I still spoke to that person so I'm grateful he left and I've realised this new like self realisation that I don't need someone to make me happy because if you know me personally then you'll know I can just sit on my own laughing at myself for hours so I genuinely make myself happy but if someone contributes good vibes to your life then you keep them because people like that are rare as fuck nowadays.

Thanks for always reading, 

L x

Friday, 13 January 2017

my fav people.

I feel like I'm slowly running out of things to write about so please so lemme know if there's certain topics you'd like to read about from me :)

my FAV people an the people that inspire me!!!


Of course this post is completely dedicated to my favourite people and the people that truly inspire me. There's so many people that I've met online and in real life that genuinely motivate an inspire me so enjoy boo's..

So, I met this person not too long ago however he's impacted my life massively. He's northern as well and to be quite honest he's a real genuine person. He inspires me to want to really better myself and he's just someone that I feel like I never really wanna lose and he's special to me. I very rarely listen to people but I know that he actually cares so on the rare occasion that I do listen to someone, I listen to him. He's a truly wonderful genuine human being with a heart of pure gold.

I was on this guys podcast twice and I've wrote about him before as well @Mike_Douglas_, he continually contributes to the mental health community and he's a really awesome guy. His podcasts are so informative and they raise awareness to other mental health bloggers as well which I think is wicked!! He's just someone that is so easy to talk too and he's always there spreading as much positivity as he can. Go on his twitter and show him some love after you've read this! @Open_Journal_ + @Mike_Douglas_


There's one really famous mental health activist that I super inspire to be like and that's Demi Lovato, she's open about her struggles and what she suffers with and she brings information to subjects that alot of people find uncomfortable so topics like mental health and childrens mental health usually get pushed under the rug because it's a touchy subject I guess. But she's been vocal that there definitely needs to be change happening and because she has a HUGE following she's raised awareness and there's more knowledge about it. Obviously there's still this massive stigma around mental health issues however when well known people speak up about their struggles people look into it more and educate themselves of it which is amazing.

@findmyway37 is another amazing person you should send some love too on twitter, whenever I've felt down or upset over something he'll talk to me and just it's so lovely to speak to someone that just genuinely understands how you're feeling and how bad anxiety and depression can get. Which is so fucking good because you never have to explain yourself you can literally just say 'anxiety is a bitch' and he'll do everything in his power to make you feel comfortable and happier and he's wonderful.

If I wrote about everybody that inspires me then this post would be crazy longgggg!! There's so many wonderful people out there and they deserve so much recognition and I hope one day everyone will get that.

 


I love you!

L x







Tuesday, 10 January 2017

relationships with liv.

This post is going to be slightly different to my other posts but I hope you still enjoy it and yeah.

Being with someone isn't always easy.
 Being with someone with a mental illness makes shit harder. 

I personally feel like although I'm still super quiet, I have loads to say but what I've realised recently is that because I'm super quiet people can sometimes take that as in I don't like them when that isn't the case at all.

I either want to go out all the time or not at all, there's never an inbetween with me, I either eat loads or starve myself, it's all black and white with not a hint of grey showing. 
Anxiety is something I speak alot about on this blog, it's something I struggle with alot.. don't get me wrong I am slowly feeling less anxious all the time but when I do it all hits me at once and when I'm having a kinda anxious day I don't wanna talk to anybody. I just wanna be by myself and just game til I start to feel better.. 

I don't want to date someone that has to change what they do just to make me feel at ease, you know? Like I just wouldn't wanna feel like a burden because my anxiety stopped me from doing alot of things in my last relationship and it caused so many arguments because I was petty as fuck. 
Don't get me wrong, I can still be petty as fuck but for different reasons this time. 

Some days I'd rather just spend hibernating under my duvet til I felt better and more like myself. When I do have my little anxious days I'll feel like I'm slowly slippin back into old liv and old liv had so many bad habits that she became a shell of herself and she had this idea of herself which wasn't really right but that's what she believed and she stopped eating and stopped being her fun self because she believed she wasn't great the way she was and that's not cool. 

I want people to understand that when I am really distant and blunt it isn't like I'm doing it on purpose or anything, it's just how I'm feeling so please never take it personally. 

I am NOT my anxiety, I am not this closed off person that I act like because of course I have feelings and I care but I have such a fucked up way of showing I care like alot of the time I feel so defeated with things. 

Some would say I have a hard time dealing with commitment, however I'm not going to commit to something I don't believe in whether that's friendships, relationships, business - whatever. 
When someone proves that they're genuine about me and that they're actually a really genuine person, that's when I'll put my all into something. Probably seems super harsh and everything but time after time I've been let down or left and I'm so over wasting my time. 

Time is the one thing you can't ever take back so if you're spending the majority of your time on someone and then they fuck up well you can't take that shit back, time is precious so don't ever waste it. 

Never give up on the things or people you love. 


L x


Sunday, 8 January 2017

WHY I blog.

I blog because for a long time I had no voice, I couldn't voice my feelings, my mama was my voice.
But now I've got the strength and courage to fight what's right and I'm going to be the voice for those other people that have lost their voice for now.

I wanted to blog because there wasn't anything like this around when I was going through everything and I think if I knew there were mental health bloggers and that I truly wasn't alone in how I was feeling, it wouldn't have been such a long process to get to where I am now.
When I first started writing I never ever thought more than 100 people would read this, I just figured people wouldn't be interested in what I had to say, however.. the response to this blog has been fucking mindblowing.

I've had so much positive feedback from writing this blog and I've even been fortunate to know other mental health bloggers, and to me this shit is crazy. I started this blog almost a year ago now and it's been the best thing to ever happen to me.
Knowing I could be helping other people that are or have gone through similar stuff, it makes me happy. I've had so much positivity from people I know as well which I didn't expect either.

Whenever somebody asks what I do, job wise I say ''I'm a full time blogger..'' and it's a huge conversation starter because not many people know what it is and how bloody helpful it can be. Writing about a topic such as mental health can be tricky, especially when there's still this huge stigma around it. It's like yeah that's cool but we don't wanna talk about it kinda thing and mental health HAS to be spoken about, there has to be more than one conversation about it otherwise more and more young people will suffer and then the future generations will too.

I spoke to somebody the other day and they said not everybody has a mental health.. I'm literally like ''WHAT THE FUCK?!'' everybody in this world has a physical health so they of course have a mental health too. I feel like everybody tries to just sweep the subject of mental health under the rug when we need to have discussions about this and make people's understanding of what actual mental health is.

If you've only just read this one post or if you've read several of my posts I'd like to thank YOU. Thank YOU for taking the time out to read my blog, I put my heart, soul and my entirety into this.

When I first started writing I was constantly on edge, I was so full of anxiety and a fear of everything like I'd constantly overthink about the littlest of things and it'd literally cause arguments just because I over thought about something too much. I'd be so full of fear that I wouldn't wanna take risks or even do things I'd wanna do because anxiety stops you from absolutely everything.
This is why I write because I know anxiety isn't just occasionally feeling nervous about something, anxiety has caused me to breakdown several times over the things that'd seem small to others, like just going out or seeing friends.

Thankfully my anxiety is slowly getting better, I used to feel like it'd chain me down and everytime I wanted to do something the chain around my neck would get tighter and tighter until I got the thought of doing it outta my head. I know it's never just going to leave 100% but I'm going to make damn sure that it doesn't and isn't ever going to control me again.

let's talk!
twitter - LiVNiZZZLE
insta - livnizzzle_
gmail - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Positive vibes.

L x 



Sunday, 1 January 2017

2O16.

I'm gonna do a little recap of this year so when it comes to doing a recap of 2017 it'll be so much better.

So, I hope you all had a good Christmas and new year etc, so I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and was safe.

When 2016 started I was a constant nervous wreck, my anxiety was at it's almost highest. I was in a relationship yet I was always waiting for it to fuck up, like as horrible as it sounds. I always thought it was the calm before the storm, I was so prepared for it to go wrong that when it was going right I couldn't fully appreciate the moment for what it was. But when it did go wrong, I'd be like 'I told you so!!!!' I'd be so petty about it and that just wasn't necessary, it was just a way of me not getting hurt I guess.
In May, me and him went to Comic Con and I was truly genuinely happy. That was one of the best times I remember in that relationship, we always watched Storage Wars so when I actually met Sean Kelly I literally couldn't talk. I was speechless and so so nervous haha.
Even when we went to London to go to Comic Con we argued then, over the most pointless shit like we argued about cheese for gods sake.

In January I started this blog and I've met so so many amazing people through this, I'm just gonna shout out a few.. @findmyway37, @Mike_Douglas_, @lauracloughley.. and many many more. When I first started writing I thought noone would read this or people would and noone would like it and I honestly hope I've helped atleast 1 person because noone should ever have to suffer with mental illness alone. With me writing this blog I've wrote about everything, for example.. any arguments me and my ex had, going to Comic Con, getting heartbroken, I've wrote about the things in my life that I'd like to look back on and realise how strong I've been about it.

Having anxiety and depression hasn't been easy, going through things that I never thought I'd have too hasn't been easy but I've got some real strong people around me. My mama is one of the strongest people I know, the amount of shit I've given her over the years I'm surprised she hasn't given up on me yet but growing up SHE was my voice, she fought so hard for me, every single School meeting I had she'd be there with loads of evidence an shit to back up what she was saying. My mama literally never gave up on making sure the School knew they fucked up and I'm so fucking grateful I have her in my corner.

It's funny because whenever my mama was at work, my sister would always keep a watch on me. I remember being in a lesson and all of a sudden I got told someone was in the office for me so I got all my stuff and my sister had literally walked to the school and told the headmaster about some girl's status about me. Although she's extremely protective I'm really glad I've got her, we argue and I don't always be the best to her but she's honestly the bestest thing in this world not including my mama.

ANYWAY..

Back to 2016..

This year my relationship ended, I met some really awesome people and I couldn't be happier. I never thought I'd be able to be one of them people that can always go out and still enjoy it and I do, that doesn't mean I don't love staying in too but I got so used to always staying in and just sticking to myself and now I'm slowly being freed by my anxiety I can cope with going out. There are always gonna be them days where I just wake up still wanting to not exist but it's manageable now, if I wake up and have a bad day then I know I still have to get up, eat and then shower and get ready for the day and slowly it'll become better. I usually just listen to Beyonce and remember I've got this shit, I can conquer the world if I put so much effort into it.

My weight. My body has always been a touchy subject for me because I used to suffer with a bad eating disorder and ever since it's been up and down, whenever I'm sad I won't eat. I literally cannot force myself either because my throat closes up like I've got a lump in my throat and I get more upset because I wanna eat but I can't and there just isn't any point trying when I'm just gonna feel worse.

However, I don't have the eating habits I had a couple months ago. I do eat, I eat what I want without thinking I'm gonna put weight on, It's something that doesn't really bother me that much anymore. I'm really happy with how I look now and I'm actually pretty confident with myself and even that just makes me happy because I was never super confident about my body.
I'm still going to write alot but I want to just find what truly makes me happy and I hope you'll all still be with me on this little journey of mine.
We've got over 21 thousand views on this blog and I'm so happy. Literally whenever someone asks what I do, I say I'm a blogger and I love explaining to people what I do and write about because not many people understand it so when they actually take an interest it just makes me happy. This blog in itself makes me happy, writing about all the bullshit I've gone through and the shit that goes through my head it's alot easier for me than talking about it and I'm glad I have this little outlet.

I never thought I'd still be writing to be honest, I'm truly happy that it's helping more and more people understand anxiety and depression and just mental illness in general.

let's talk!!
twitter - @LiVNiZZZLE
instagram - livnizzzle_
gmail  - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Stay groovy loves.

L x