Thursday, 28 December 2017

- ''the one'' -

I always wondered how people knew 
who the 'one' was..

Was it the way they made you feel?
Was it the way you felt around them?
I knew with the way I felt around you
a calmness wrapped around me like a blanket
a safety net that would never break

I knew it was more than a lusting for you

You made me feel excited and fearless 
as if we were now conquering the world together

Then as quickly as everything started
It all changed 

We threw ourselves into this world 
that we knew nothing of 

Sunday, 17 December 2017

- a lil reflection on this year -

Last year I was incredibly insecure, I was struggling with anxiety really bad, I was wasting so much on someone that didn't even deserve half an hour of my time. 
Anyway, I vowed to myself that since that I was gonna work on myself and if I met someone during that time then wicked but I wasn't going to purposefully set out and actually look for a relationship.

I put that extra bit of effort into my blog and I put everything into this and slowly I felt more like myself, I found this inner confidence and I didn't have to fake the whole body posi etc, I grew to love my flaws, I grew to love the things I always used to hate. 
Eventually whilst I was finding what makes me happy, someone came into my life and honestly I was just happy to finally have a friend who was so similar to myself. 
I didn't meet him for weeks, maybe even a couple months because I was a big ball full of anxiety and depression.I was scared to even pursue a relationship with my bestfriend because I struggle to trust people, I either trust too much or too little. 

There's so many things that could have gone wrong with the whole dating your bestfriend scenario, my mental health goes up and down but when it's down it get to the point where I don't leave my bed, I just feel sorry for myself til something snaps me outta it and would I want someone I love to see me like that? No way, not in the slightest. 
I push people away, I don't like telling people my feeling's because I feel overly vulnerable when if I hadn't of told them personal shit then I wouldn't feel so vulnerable, you know?
I always keep my defenses up because I'm so fucking scared of people leaving me, I've gotten to a point where I'm absolutely sick of everyone leaving. 

But I faced my fears, and took that plunge. 
Shit isn't easy, but love always wins throughout everything. 
I look after my mental health way more than I used too, I eat alot more than I used too. When I'm sad I force myself to eat so I don't get them bad habits again, but most importantly I learnt that you can't love somebody else completely until you love yourself.

I still don't trust anybody 100% like my mama told me not to and obviously there's shit you work on.
If shit goes well then I'll have to learn to stop bloody doubting everyone and everything but if not then it's a new lesson I guess.

Suffering with any mental illness can be absolutely debilitating, it can knock you to your knees if you let it, but it's about time now that I stopped letting my depression, my insecurities and everything else make me overthink shit and you just gotta go with it.

L x



Thursday, 23 November 2017

- diet culture//body positivity -

Diet culture is FXCKING everywhere.
Movies, magazines, television, billboards, etc. 
It's absolutely everywhere and
if you're in recovery for any type of an eating disorder it can become extremely problematic always seeing adverts whether it be on the internet or on the television and let's be honest nobody wants to see these weight loss/diet adverts whilst you're really just trying to watch corrie.

 Trying to beat anorexia and get to an actual stable point in my life when all you're seeing and hearing about is weight loss related things, it isn't just online or on the tv that all this happens. It's extremely prominent in real life too. 
Let's face it, every single person no matter what they'll say, have insecurities. Humans have real life emotions, and having insecurities is just another human emotion. 
 When I first 'came' into recovery I'd see these adverts of these normal average sized women and I'd constantly be overthinking and second guessing myself.. over and over and over again. 
''Do I really want to put myself through this?''
A thought that to this day I still think about on my bad days.

Losing a ridiculous amount of weight won't make you suddenly SO happy with your body.
You have to be in tune with yourself mentally. I'm not saying losing weight is bad but only to a healthy level. 
You could lose so much weight and still have low self esteem, low confidence but that has nothing to do with yourself physically, it's all about learning to love yourself and your body. 

Don't always believe what the media tells you.
There idea of 'perfect' doesn't exist. 
'perfect is perception, and perception is all they can see.'

BODY POSITIVITY!!
one of my absolute fav subjects to talk about..
Body positivity is accepting your flaws, simply not giving a fuck about what anybody thinks about your body, and there idea of how you should look etc. Yeah there may be days where you just wanna relapse and give up on yourself and your body. 
Absolutely don't get me wrong, there's days I wanna just say fuck it and end all of the progress I've made and just give up, but I can't give up on something that's never given up on me which is my body. Even after I made it ill and mistreated it, it still never gave up. 

Guess what everybody!!!

I HAVE FLAAAAWS TOO!!
I don't have perfect skin, actually going off topic I constantly pick my skin when my anxiety is fucking me over and it makes my skin super red and sore but I still don't stop. I don't have a constant flat stomach (sorry but I love pizza and pizza is better than having a flat tummy lol)
I don't always take pictures at the most flattering angles either. 
But you know what??

I'm happy. 
I'm happy with my imperfect skin, my tummy roll which always makes a funny face whenever I slouch and it's kinda funny.. but most of all, I'm happy with how I am (the majority of the time, I'm only human after all)

And finally, all I really want to say is this..
Recovery is hard. Harder than the disorder itself, it isn't any walk in the park like some tv shows make it out to be, it isn't something to be glamorized. As quickly as you click your fingers that's simply how quick it can be to fall back into old patterns. What people fail to realise is though YOU'RE strong, YOU'RE powerful and most of all YOU can overcome this. 
It's gonna be tough, you're gonna want to give up but this thing you've given SO much power to is no longer going to be the eating disorder, it's going to be you.

Stay groovy, 

L x

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

- mental health issues in 2017 -

bit of a controversial post so if you disagree or whatever that's absolutely fine with me but this is personally what i feel so keep reading if you want an interesting read..

having bad days, feeling a little bit nervous, feeling sad on occasion is HUMAN.
humans have a whole range of emotions, it's okay to feel a little bit sad or nervous about things. 
 and here is where it gets controversial.... 

just because you feel nervous about certain things for example - a job interview? SO many people feel nervous being in situations like that, or feeling sad.. you can have a bad feeling shitty day without it being classed as depression.
depression is a constant battle, when i'm having my bad days i can't shower, i can't brush my hair, i can barely find the motivation to get out of bed to go have a pee.

struggling with anxiety and depression, both of them constantly fight eachother. wanting to go out and see friends but my feet won't move and i'm basically trapped inside my own head with all these thoughts going round and round and when i try to just ignore it, i feel like i'm gonna burst into tears because i feel like giving up. 
i'll admit i never understood what anxiety or depression was until i started suffering myself with it, they are invisible illnesses if you will, you can't always see them but sometimes you actually can. 
you can physically see a person slowly giving up on themselves in my opinion..

people glamorize mental illnesses..
eating disorders aren't exclusive to any race, gender, or class..
same with anxiety and every single other mental illness doesn't discriminate, no matter what race, gender,.. whatever, you could have so much money and still be extremely unhappy. 

what i'm just trying to get at is that, yeah you may feel anxious and depressed but that doesn't mean you have anxiety and depression. 

hope this doesn't sound shitty towards anyone, i just feel like people and bloggers advocate for mental illness every single day. we campaign, we fight tooth and nail for some sort of action to be done to change how mental illness is treated yet when people who say they've got anxiety and depression, i'm not saying everyone who claims to have mental illness etc are lying or whatever but some do just say thing for attention.


 L x


Wednesday, 8 November 2017

- trust issues/insecurities -

insecurities! i'm pretty sure absolutely everyone has them, you can be mega confident and still at the back of your mind have those little things that still kinda bug you but you never really let it show. 
for instance, my trust issues create more insecurities for me. 

because of a lovely thing called anxiety, that makes my trust and my trust in things so so much worse. i constantly second guess peoples motives because i think what's on their agenda, why're they suddenly being so lovely?!?!
my biggest issue is trust. it's hard to open up when i feel like im constantly getting mugged off by people. i'll be honest now, i don't really have many friends pretty much for this exact reason.

when i was alot younger i was overly confident i guess, i just didn't have any cares in the world and eventually i wanna get back to being like that because honestly, i don't want the little things to constantly go round and round and round in my head. you can't escape and get out your own head so what're you gonna do? it's like a kettle, it boils and boils and boils til it eventually gets too hot and simmers and all that condensation is everywhere.

i have this one insecurity that's constantly going through my head and ima share it with you all now..
relationships. relationships itself don't make me insecure, it's the loving someone with everything i've got and them suddenly not feel the same.
waking up one day so full of love for someone and it just isn't reciprocated.

i overthink. about absolutely EVERYTHING. i overthink about situations that haven't even happened and i get mad over it, i pretty much put myself in a bad mood by thinking about things over and over and over again.

anxiety, depression and many many other mental illnesses are fckin awful. to live on a day to day basis suffering so badly that most days you can't even force yourself to get out of bed, that you don't even have the energy to shower or just change pajamas, that's when you know somethings gotta change. whether it mean you reach out to someone and let them know you're struggling or get help by professionals.
i've still got so much stuff to work on on myself, and i've just got to get to a place where i no longer second guess the people that i love. constantly thinking that they're gonna eventually up and leave and then me constantly needing reassurance just makes me feel like a burden really and that's my motivation to change i guess.

i'll try get more posts written more frequently but anxiety/depression are really kicking my arse at the minute.

L x



Saturday, 21 October 2017

- little ramblings -

hello! 
i've been writing this blog for over a year now, there's been so many great things to come out of this, there's been some truly awful things I've wanted to write about but to allow myself to be that vulnerable was freakin scary. 

the things i've learnt the most from this is body POSITIVITY and SELF LOVE.
i'm not even gonna lie, i used to be SO envious of people who just didn't give a damn. 
the people who just looked so goddamn comfortable in their own skin. i envied that SO bad. 
growing up, getting bullied, constantly getting told i'm 'fat' and then eventually developing anorexia, 
i was just so uncomfortable being me. 
weight issues since around high school have always been quite problematic for me. 
if i was feeling sad or was just having a bad day i wouldn't eat, i wouldn't even try and force myself to. 
now let me tell you all how things have changed...


i'm one of them people i used to look up to, this summer i went to this beach with my favourite people, i went in to the FREEZING cold sea in a bikini and it felt SO empowering. 
for so long hating my body, hating my stretch marks, my freckles, my dimples etc. 

there were so many nights i'd spend looking at the ceiling wishing i was dead, wishing things were different, wanting to just end it all but something constantly held me back from doing so. i was just so fuckin fed up with being me, i was fed up of people disliking me in school, i was fed up of it all. 
i hated all the things that made me, me and nowadays the things i once despised, are now my favourite things about myself. 
my accent, my stretch marks, my freckles, even my scar on my elbow. 

if you've made it this far into this post, thankyou but there's so much more i wanna say so please keep reading haha..

during the period of time i was in high school and getting bullied etc - i became full of pure hatred for myself and i'd convince myself that i deserved this, i deserved to be constantly belittled so even when those girls/guys left school, i kept that mentality. friends wanna belittle me yet laugh about it? i'll laugh too cos honestly, i was scared everyone would leave. 
i still get scared people will leave, it's probably one of my biggest fears. 
someone who i absolutely adore and love with my every being, leaving me and me having to try and pick up all the pieces they broke. 

this gal here is my sister. Jade. 
she's held me every time i've been crying my eyes out, she's stood up and fought for me, she's put her worries aside every time to take care of me and my worries. 
she's my absolute bestfriend, there's been so many times where i've just wanted to call it all quits and give up on everything especially myself and she wouldn't let me. 
she's one of the most courageous, selfless people i know and quite frankly i'd be lost without her. 

i'm just feeling really thankful for everyone that pushed me and made me fight each and every day, i deserve so much more than i was giving myself but most importantly, i'm human. 
humans aren't always bursting with pure happiness but i no longer cry myself to sleep wanting to die.. i go to sleep thankful for the people around me.

it'll sound weird this but i'm thankful for my anxiety, depression and for my recovery from an eating disorder because honestly it's made me who i am, all the shit that i've been through, it's made me grow and have more empathy towards others..

thankyou all for being on this journey with me, i appreciate it more than you'll all ever know..

L x


Sunday, 15 October 2017

- mama's lil traveller -

let me just first point out that i suffer with depression and anxiety, two very destructive awful things. 
i used to date this guy James and then it ended because he went off to uni blah blah blah. 
he stayed my bestfriend and nothing really changed, i'd always said if he ever wanted me to com see him i would and this is exactly how this post came to exist..

Friday the 13th possibly unluckiest of days came - i was on my way to see my bestfriend and let me just tell you, i had the WORST nervous belly, my brain was literally screaming all the bad things that could happen but honestly i was desperate to see him again so i said fuck you to my brain and followed my heart.. (best decision ever)

i went on a fuck tonne of trains and honestly i thought i'd get lost because i'm awful at directions but thankfully (praise the lord) i didn't once get lost..
and then came the moment i saw him, in all his glory. 
all that was going through my head was "god. i've missed him. he's so frickin handsome."
just thinking about it now makes me go all teary eyed, the last time i saw him was way before he'd even left for uni so to see him then god, i was so happy.
he grabbed my hand and we made our way back to his mates car, we'd gone into his room and my heart was bursting with love for him. i just wanted to tell him everything i never said when we first dated and i just wanted him to know that no matter how long i'd wait. 

there's several things this trip has taught me but here's most important - 

1 - appreciate the things and the people around you, appreciate the change and most importantly value them around you because it's an amazing feeling knowing someone actually wants you around.

2 - never ever let anxiety win. never do it, never let it control you and stop you from doing the things you really wanna. anxiety sucks. it's frickin awful but you know what? it's not as strong and as powerful as it thinks it is. you have the power to overrule it, yes it may be hard and you might be so goddamn scared but being a lil scared is okay.

L x



Thursday, 28 September 2017

- love - anxiety - stigma -

relationships are already hard but mental illness changes a person,
sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. 
alot of the time i wish i weren't full of anxieties, i wish i didn't have to be so reliant on anti depressants. 
there's a HUGE stigma towards dating someone with mental illness, purely for the fact there's still a huge stigma towards mental health in general. 
Joe Weller is a Youtuber with over 4 mil subscribers, recently him and KSI did a 'press conference' and that's something KSI brought up..
''you're unstable''
''do you need drugs to stay sane bro?''
''are you depressed.. what're you gonna do then?''

BIG Youtubers talking openly about mental health inspires and helps younger viewers that don't really know what's going on inside their heads, it helps them understand and realise they aren't alone, mental health is one thing in this world that doesn't discriminate. famous, or not famous, rich, or not rich, it doesn't matter how much money you have in this world. mental health issues can still affect you.

the fact that someone who has a HUGE following of teenagers and young people can say something so damaging and so stigmatizing is crazy. and the fact he came out and said afterwards that he said it 'in the heat of the moment' i think personally isn't true. why would something so personal like that be in his head anyway? trying to use someone else's issues against them is absolutely disgusting. you have to be the lowest of the low to try and get a reaction out of someone by mentioning something that is so goddamn harmful.

in 2014 in the UK over 6 thousand suicides of children aged 10 and over. imagine that, 6000 boys and girls, little children deciding their life isn't worth it anymore.. young people aged like this are viewers of KSI so imagine if some of them watched his videos to make them forget about the awful day they've had and it comes out their idol is basically just mocking them. 
don't get me wrong, i used to watch KSI's videos and it's only recently that i've been watching Joe Weller but mental health and talking about it can be incredibly powerful and for someone so big on Youtube to mock it, something just needs to be said.

if Joe see's this (doubtful..) but if he does, i'd absolutely LOVE to talk to you about what we can do to help young people stop suffering in silence.

L x


Wednesday, 27 September 2017

//

anxiety

the burden of you
the thing that follows
you around 
never leaves 

makes you feel like
youre trapped
but inside your mind

that loneliness 
that burden

that sudden urge to cry 
cry over such little things
the constant overthinking

pushing people away just because
you're scared they'll leave first
so you hurt them before
they ever get a chance to hurt you

wanting to go out
wanting some kinda normality
but your head is constantly
tormenting you

late nights
can't sleep
your brain working overtime
making you overthink
every. little. thing.

a good day can turn into a bad one
within the space of the click of a finger
holding back tears
wanting to close yourself off
wanting to just hide under your duvet
and forget the day

wanting to just curl into your mams arms
like a baby
feeling helpless

anxiety isn't something to be glamorized
it isn't just being a little nervous
anxiety

x o


Tuesday, 19 September 2017

- change -

if anyone knows me, they'll know i absolutely despise change.
it sucks.
recently, alot of things have changed. my bestfriend went off to uni (still mega proud of you peanut),
people have come in and out of my life, people that i'd considered good friends but people change and that's just how things go.

usually when things are about to change, i turn into a complete arse (i'm still working on myself), like i don't mean to be a complete dickhead to the people i genuinely care about but when i think people are leaving i always figure i'll hurt them before they hurt me so i don't seem weak or they won't see me vulnerable but that's just lame.
having feelings in no way make you weak, they make you human.

i'm still adjusting to recent changes and nights can be worse than days but honestly, i feel kinda hopeful for the way things are going now.
i'm now going to embrace change, i'm going to welcome it with open arms.
i'll be quite happy if things change even more soon, it's all just a learning curve and with life you can never stop learning.

having anxiety whilst dealing with change can be absolutely awful, a hundred and one things are constantly going round and round in your head.
'i wish i let them know how much i cared'
'i wish....'
you can't change things from the past, you can change how you treat people, you can allow yourself to feel some vulnerability sometimes.

L x 

Friday, 8 September 2017

- recent thoughts -

recently well, for a while now i've just felt 'different'. my moods have been different, the way i feel about things have been different and just what i want in life has been so much different.

my last couple of posts have either been about self realisation or love. which are clearly two very important things in my life. 
and basically, i just wanna write down everything that's bothered me or been bothering me so i hope you all don't mind. 

i'm not an ordinary person, i have a heart full of magic yet i can be so guarded. 
i don't just want any other love, i want something that you can physically feel, i want a love that radiates wherever i go. 
i want a love that happens once in a lifetime yet you remember til your old and grey unless you're one of the lucky ones that stay together through all the rain and storms to the sunshine and good stuff. 

i don't want a love that's simple and easy because it's doubtful that a love like that would even last, i want to be with someone that no matter how hard it gets never gives up on us or me, no matter what the people closest to us think of our relationship, i want to be able to put a united front on and show them that we're sticking together throughout it all. but to find someone that loves just as furiously as i do, is an absolute challenge.
in life, not everyone is gonna love the way you love, so trying to find someone that does you gotta keep them around no matter how hard it gets. 

i do have massive trust issues which honestly i'm trying to work on, but it's hard to believe someone's genuine motives and intentions with me when not only do i have trust issues, i suffer quite badly with anxiety also so i'm ALWAYS second guessing myself and the other person. i don't mean to doubt them like i want nothing more than to just be able to trust my 'guy' but it's just hard when everything just seems so bleak. 

all i truly want is someone who'll always hype me up and i'll always do the same, someone who never stops trying to impress me even after so long of being together, someone who never stops trying.. oh and also, someone who comments on all my selfies {because duh}

all i want is to love and be loved,

L x

Thursday, 7 September 2017

- fears within relationships -

throughout most relationships i've had i've written about them on my blog, apart from my last one i guess that was kinda hidden. not because i didn't want anyone to know about him but because i was so scared of it going bad. 


i used to have serious commitment issues, not because i couldn't commit to one guy but because i didn't want to give 120% and just get 20% back you know? and i didn't wanna commit if i didn't think the other person had good intentions..

i'll tell you all a lil story, something not many people know actually..
i fell in love with my best friend, i always kept my feelings hidden so i'd act like a dick the majority of the time but that was just my personality like i guess you could say i was a loveable dick? haha my bad..
we'd go everywhere, we went to the beach SO many times, and also another lil story it was at the top of a cliff where i first told him i was in love with him too..
but anyway back to the main point, i was in love with my best friend and that absolutely scared me. 
i have this huge fear already of losing people and if i lost my boyfriend and my best friend i felt like i'd just be fucking broken man, like proper.

so i kept my feelings hidden until one day i just couldn't do it, i wanted him to be mine, i wanted the world to see just how goddamn lucky i was to even have him and as soon as i got him, it didn't last long til i fucked up.

and my overthinking, my fears that were always lingering in the back of my mind ruined something that could have been amazing got ruined in seconds. 

so lemme tell you all a lil piece of advice, 
if you want someone, tell them, no matter how scared you're feeling. 
you literally have nothing to lose and so much to gain. 
i waited too long to tell my person but it doesn't have to be like that for you all.

L x

Monday, 4 September 2017

- relationships -

the amount of times i've written about relationships, you'd have thought i'd learnt something..
right? it would appear i have not.

i have broke my own heart many times by loving the wrong person, and i have broke hearts by chasing the wrong person but this time, but this time i broke my own heart by realising stuff waaaay too late.

i always try and hide my feelings, to show absolutely no vulnerability. i'd rather be a dickhead to someone than just tell them how i really feel and honestly, that mindset sucks. 
i used to trust too much and sometimes now i trust way too little, i'd love to show a little vulnerability every now and again because of course that's what makes you human but there's just something inside me that's so full of fear about letting someone in that i just be a dick and hide my feelings.

love isn't something that should ever be taken for granted, love is something that should be cherished and you should hold on to that for as long as you can. 
most people don't know this because honestly i was petrified of letting the world know and then everything just goes disastrous because quite frankly i'd rather lose a limb than my bestfriend. 

i guess i always held back everything i wanted to say purely for the fact that i didn't wanna become this cringey person because that's far from what i am. 
there's still so many things i wanna say but it's past that point of even saying the stuff you know, we're still friends don't get me wrong but i wish i would have allowed myself to be just a little bit vulnerable sometimes because if you love someone with all your entire being then they deserve to know that, they deserve to know how goddamn important they are to you, they deserve to know that they were the one consistent thing in my life and for that i am grateful.

for the past couple of weeks i've just felt pure sadness, numbness is probably a better word. i've just felt like i can be a pretty shitty person sometimes and i do fuck up, quite alot actually but that's what makes us human. people say things they don't mean, people make mistakes but its what you do to show you're sorry which really matters. actions speak much louder than words will ever do.

i'm lost in a sea of my own thoughts and it's getting closer to drowning in my own thoughts. i wish i wasn't so closed off, i wish i wasn't constantly suffocated by my own demons for lack of a better word. 

we're all just tryna find someone that makes us feel like when two souls were created you've met your other half and one day i hope everyone finds their other half. 

i wrote this post purely because i have so much stuff weighing down on my heart that it just gets too unbearable sometimes and i need to just say the things that bother me. i know i also said i wasn't going to blog again but let's be real, we all knew that was bullshit. 

L x

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

- self realisation/part2 -

How can I even start this post?
 There's so many things I wanna say, but most of all I want to explain how goddamn proud of you I am. 
I wish I'd have said this instead of reacting so badly, and I'm sorry for that. I always put my defensive up when I think I'm even gonna have to seem vulnerable. It's stupid I know, but it's what I've always done in almost every situation like this.

I want you to see yourself how I see you, the funny, caring, smart, handsome guy that you are. I'm so proud to even be able to call you my bestfriend, you irritate me so much but honestly I wouldn't change you even if I could. 
You make me smile when I don't wanna, you make me cry with happiness and quite honestly I don't know where I'd be if you weren't around. 

You've been there for highs and lows, good and bad times.. in all the time we've known each other we've only gone 11 days without speaking and the 4 days are recently..
You make me feel different even if we're only hanging out, you can be my biggest supporter and my biggest fan sometimes and I'd honestly never change that about you. 

We bonded because we practically hated the same things and we liked drinking so that's what we'd do, we'd rant and drink and I absolutely loved it. 
I remember the night we first met, I'd messaged you at about 10pm asking if you FINALLY wanted to meet and at about 11pm you came. 

We had probably the most awkward first hug but I knew when we sat in your car just talking that you'll forever be some part of my life. 
We stayed talking and from the first day we started talking we've been talking ever since and we kinda became inseparable.
We've gone ghost hunting in Thetford Forrest, we've been to so many beaches but our fav of all the beaches we've been to is Weybourne.
The amount of times, you me and Jade went there is ridiculous but it made me so goddamn happy you don't even know. 
I appreciate everything you've done for me way more than you realise..
You're a special kinda guy so please never ever let anybody treat you like you're average because you're so so far from that. 

I love you peanut,

L x




Sunday, 20 August 2017

.. for my bestfriend.

you're leaving
overcome with emotion 
i fight back the tears 
holding my pride and my ego close
showing no vulnerability 

losing you 
the pain is like losing a limb
clyde to my bonnie we were 
as thick as thieves 

grief stricken 
full of pain
full of confusion 
but most of all
full of regret
for the things 
i never said 

-----------------

growing apart is 
the worst thing about relationships 
with people

you're on your path and 
they're finding theirs
whilst they're on this journey 
of self discovery
- the distance gets further
and further apart

grieving for a person 
that's still alive but out of my life
tear soaked pillows from crying myself to sleep

please just wake me up from this nightmare already

Friday, 11 August 2017

a poem about eating disorders//

walking through a 
dark alley
with this creature 
following you
keeping track of your 
every move 

''Is anybody there?'' 
it suddenly snaps
your laid on your bathroom floor
passed out
last nights dinner still in the toilet 
and swollen eyes 
from crying yourself to sleep

why won't you just 
leave me alone?
just. leave. me. alone. 

you reply with
''We are one, dear girl.''

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

///

you are 
the reason
i check my phone in the morning 

your words flow through me 
like blood through my veins 

all the words you say
float above your head like clouds 
in the sky 

as sincere as your words seem
there is always that
''what if''

''what if'''
 this isnt real
this isnt real
this isnt real

your smile aches my already
broken heart
broken mind
broken soul

you say you cannot help the stuff you do
but i cant help being broken
im an old soul thats been
battered and bruised 

the ego that you carry around 
is heavier than you love 
you say you have for me

i stay awake for hours 
hoping youll say the words 
i long to hear 

i long to see the fight you have
for your friends
the loyalty
the respect

i long to be the person that you 
cant go a day without talking to

i long to see the fight in you
when i say im done

i want you to pick all the pieces 
of me back up and 
put them all back 
together again

living with anxiety is 
like living permanently in a 
well

you cant get out 
no one can hear you
youre trapped
alone

even when people look down at this well
all they see is the shadows of the 
curves of your body

living with depression
a permanent look into the 
abyss

a black hole
that just sucks
you in

inescapable 
the fight you once had 
suddenly evaporates 
and then

its gone





Monday, 24 July 2017

- dating with anxiety -

Dating with anxiety is like living with a tonne of bricks permanently strapped on your back. 
Constantly having to put this huge guard up when in your head you truly like that person but no matter what they do and say to convince you they're genuine you still have that horrible gut feeling like you're just waiting for it all go wrong so you can finally get to say 'I told you so.' 

However, after literally losing the one person I thought I'd never lose.. I decided it's time to truly love myself before I even try to love anybody else and I do, I have way way more confidence than I did.

I used to be my own worst enemy but I realised noone can help me other than myself, noone can better me other than me so for as long as I can remember I made it my little mission to better myself for the next guy that'll come into my life and ACTUALLY stay.
I guess I've always had that fear of people that I love leave me because you can't ever make a person stay, they'll stay if you want and they'll leave if they want.

Writing a blog about mental health is a really vulnerable thing to do, it's literally putting yourself out there and hoping either people will relate or not be massive arseholes, and meeting new people whilst I've got this blog is scary as fuck. They'll read it and suddenly judge whether my crazy ass deserves to stay in their life or not. I never talk about my feelings with people I know face to face, I always put this brave face one but I'll always fight for what I want until shit doesn't seem worth it anymore.
Sometimes the fighter just wants to be fought for.

You know, falling in love absolutely scares me. When it's even close to happening I guess I just freak out internally like I don't mean too but I used to have this idea of what 'love' was and how it felt but it weren't love, it was more lust I guess. I 'loved' a guy more than he deserved, at that point I didn't know my worth, he was my bestfriend I'm not even going to try and deny that but there's so many moments in that relationship where I look back now and think 'why didn't I leave?', let me just reiterate he wasn't a bad person but that relationship was full of a massive lack of trust, alot of insecurities and we argued alot.

Bad days come and go and not all bad days can I even face to get out of bed and pretend to be happy because I can't keep pretending shit is perfect when it so clearly isn't but let me tell you all about the good days, they're full of so much love and happiness and when I'm having a super good day I'll practically be the most affectionate I'll ever be.
You should know though that I can't just turn my anxiety and depression off and sometimes I get massively triggered over the littlest of things, so just bare with me I guess.

Dating with anxiety is hard, an absolute struggle because not alot of people understand anxiety which adds to the already there stigma surrounding mental health.

Don't give up on finding the one because sometimes it's the person you never expect.
Never settle for any less than you deserve because you ALL deserve the absolute world.

L x



Sunday, 9 July 2017

rambling thoughts..

anxiety. is. an. absolute. selfish. bitch.

anxiety itself is like being in a relationship with an abusive partner, it makes you feel insecure, paranoid, and most importantly it makes you feel fear at the thought of slowly getting better. 
i used to be massively self conscious, i guess i still am in a way but i'm alot more chill about myself than i used to be.

suffering with anxiety and depression is like being trapped in a room and all the walls are getting closer and closer and closer until it feels like there's no escape, no way out of this. 
but when you do have those good days which on occasion they do happen, it feels like the chain that's been wrapped around your heart so tightly is slowly getting looser and it feels like the shit you were once petrified of aka relationships - they don't seem so bad. 
nowadays, relationships don't scare me as much as they did but it's more of the being in a relationship, and then one day someone waking up and just deciding they don't want you anymore. i guess that's the only proper fear that i'm feeling regarding it.

i'm the type of person that can be in the car singing bon jovi at the top of my lungs and then all of a sudden my mood just changes and it feels sombre and i need to be in relationships with people aka intimate or friendships with people who understand me in that sense. 

most importantly though, i want people to realise that yes i may have anxiety and depression quite severe but it isn't who i am. 
i absolutely love the beach, whether its sunny or raining. i love exploring with my two bestfriends who honestly i don't even know how they put up with me and i love vibin with like minded people.

i'm not some crazy person (well maybe a lil bit crazy), mental health issues don't define me as a person, we all create our own paths in this world and honestly, me suffering so much with mental health issues has probably made me alot more understanding towards people and i wouldn't change it if i could. 



Stay true to who you are,

L x



Friday, 30 June 2017

- weight issues -

HEY!!! Hope you're all good and healthy and ready for another post.. 
let's get to it.

Ever since I developed the relationship I now have with my weight, it's been a constant rollercoaster of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong I'm not 100% recovered and there's obviously so so many chances I could fuck it all up and get back to my old eating habits and get ill again I know that it's always gonna be there no matter how long I've been in recovery for, the road to get ill again is still gonna be just round the corner. 

My eating doesn't reflect on what mood I'm in so much now but if I'm having a bad day I'll barely eat, I get this HUGE like weight on my chest and my throat closes up. 
I am always on my guard with eating because I don't want to be back in that place, it's probably one of my biggest fears. Getting sick again, honestly I've worked so goddamn hard to be in the position I am in right now. I know how easy it is to fall back into old patterns and it's happened before, I've slipped up so many times that I don't believe I'd make it this time. 

The other day I did something I never ever thought I'd have the confidence to do, and that's put on a bikini AND wear it with no cover ups at the beach. I honestly felt like any issues I've had with my body before just left, I was probably the most confident I've ever felt. 
I guess there's just something so fucking freeing to drop all your insecurities and put them to the back of your head and just love yourself, whether it's for a day or a couple hours or a week, It is so freeing to not look in the mirror and wish you could change almost everything about yourself, wishing you looked differently, etc. 

I always preach about loving yourself and loving your body but I'm only human and I can't be 100% all of the time, but I can try, and tr and build on it every single time. 

I've spoken about love in several older posts and loving yourself and loving someone else come hand in hand, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? 
Stop comparing yourself to others and love who YOU are, 
I love my red crimson hair, 
I love my beauty marks, 
I love my stretch marks..

Hope you've all had a wonderful day/night wherever you may be, 

follow this blog's insta - @livingwith_a_mentalillness

L x

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

CLOSURE.

Thankyou. 
Thankyou so goddamn much. 

If you didn't see yesterday or today one of my very old friends commented on one of my darker posts (suicide - part 2).
In that comment he wrote everything that when I was going through some pretty rough stages of my illness I needed to hear, I needed to know really. 

I needed to know that someone was actually sorry for not realising what was going on, I needed to know that someone was actually taking accountability and responsibility even though they wasn't to blame.

Just reading that one word 'sorry' it takes away years of feeling like I'm not worth it, it takes away all the months I spent in my room crying myself to sleep wishing someone would just come and take this pain away. I went through absolute agony mentally and physically, I put my body through hell and back because I thought I wasn't good enough, I constantly told myself I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth it and I should just end my life then. 
'Sorry' is just a word yes, but its a word that has me in tears right now, it's something I've longed to hear and now I have it's like a fresh start for me. 
I've held onto the past for so long, still feeling pain and still putting myself through this mental torture and now I feel personally that I can start living for me again. I can stop holding onto the past. 

It's been a long ass time since the beginning of my journey of bullying, anxiety, depression and anorexia yet anxiety and my eating is STILL a huge part of my life. It still affects me now, I've got a post currently about to be posted about antidepressants so please look out for that as well.

I feel like this weight has been massively lifted off my chest now and honestly, I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful S because if you hadn't wrote that comment I'd still be holding onto some form of resentment and that's not healthy at all. 

I've finally got what I've longed for, closure.
ThankYOU.

L x 

Monday, 12 June 2017

What is PTSD?

When my sister asked me if I would do a post for her blog I was adamant I wouldn't, I wasn't ready to open myself up and allow myself to be vulnerable, but I realised that's what my sister does every single day. With every blog post she writes she's showing more bravery than I could even wish to have. So here it goes.. If this post even helps one person who is also living with PTSD or any other mental illness, then it will be worth it. 

PTSD is a whole body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions. 
Even in times of trauma we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can.. that is called surviving.
All mental illnesses are debilitating, they make you feel anxious and on edge and you constantly worry and overthink about something bad happening but with PTSD, the bad thing has already happened and every single day you are learning to live with the memory of that. 

I've never really spoken in depth about my struggles with PTSD. Not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed but because I've learnt that not everybody deserves to know everything about me. 
Until I was diagnosed with PTSD I thought only soldiers could get it and I think many people still do think that. 

The lifetime prevalence of PTSD for women who have been sexually assaulted is 50%. Sexual assault is the most frequent cause of PTSD in women, with one study reporting that 94% of women experienced PTSD symptoms during the first two weeks after an assault. 
1 in 2 people experience trauma at some point in their life. Around 20% of those people can go on to develop PTSD. 

Jade xox

Monday, 29 May 2017

29/05/2017

hello, 
if any of you have just happened to find this blog or even just this post, I'm gonna let you all know who I am..

I'm just a girl who has always wanted to make a difference somehow. Before suffering with bullying and mental health issues I never realised to the extent of how bad they actually could get, to be real honest I just thought people were just being hugely dramatic about it. 
I was completely naive and I used to throw the term 'depressed' about so much that I feel like I added to the already wide stigma surrounding mental health. 

I always thought speaking out made you weak and vulnerable and for that I am so so goddamn sorry. I used to put the negative thoughts of myself into anger and I'd argue with my sister and just constantly pretend shits okay when it blatantly wasn't. 
Speaking out makes you so fucking brave, it makes you incredibly strong and for everyone that chooses to speak out about these issues should be absolutely commended. 

I was this really naive young girl that believed nobody could ever understand how I feel and whenever somebody did say they knew how I was feeling and that I'm not alone, I'd believe they were lying and instantly just get my defences up again.  Now, I am a woman who is able to speak openly and honestly about some real tough issues I face on a daily basis. 
I promote body positivity, loving yourself and openly talking about the stuff people seem to want to just push under the rug for a rainy day. 

I decided that I was bored of hating myself, I put so much effort into hating how I was that I failed to see all the good things around me. I had a bestfriend who absolutely adored me, I have a family that loves me more than life itself and my life was going perfectly but I couldn't ever see that. I could only look back at the pictures I'd take and think about how gross my body looks, how I shoulda held my breath more to make my belly look tiny, I literally thought of every single bad thing about myself instead of thinking how fucking happy I look, how I don't have to look polished and like some beautiful painting when being in the moment and being that happy was the beautifulness of that picture. Yet, I failed to always see that. 

I'm sorry to all the people that used to know me, I had to make some changes about myself that were so crucial, I had to change my mindset, I had to love myself completely and openly instead of portraying some fake love type shit. I used to be so goddamn insecure, paranoid and jealous and in my head I had every single reason to be feeling that way mainly for the fact someone was gonna leave eventually, right? WRONG.

I convinced myself that everyone was gonna leave me some day but then after a while I got comfortable. I accused someone that meant more to me than they ever knew of just doing shit that he didn't. I treated my bestfriend poorly and always said he didn't love me because if I didn't love me, how could he? 

I lost my bestfriend but I gained so much more than I ever would if he'd have stayed. 
I learnt how to be honest with myself, I learnt to love and understand every single bit about myself that I didn't before, and I possibly gained someone who knows me as I am now, I've wrote about my bestfriend J so goddamn much but that's literally for the fact he knows me so well, he knows my flaws, the things that make me mad, he knows what makes me happy and quite frankly I'm so glad he's able to be on this journey of self discovery with me. 
He lets me know when I'm in the wrong and he isn't afraid of telling me when I'm wrong as well.
I never felt like people truly got me and understood who I am as a person and honestly, I'm so proud of the people I associate myself with. 

And finally just a little thankyou for all the people that have been on this journey with me, 

Thankyou Ben for being the absolute best older brother, you've shown me how it really is to love someone and the way you love Messaline is so goddamn beautiful. 
Thankyou to Jade for always putting me in my place even when I really don't wanna hear your shit.
Thankyou to every single reader that keeps this blog afloat, I never in a million years thought anybody would read or even give a damn what I have to say. I appreciate every single one of you that takes the time out to read what this bitch has to say and for that I'm forever grateful. 


Until next time, 

L x



Wednesday, 24 May 2017

- the idea of love -

love? 
what is love?

love is thinking of someone else's feelings when you make decisions, love is ordering two lots of food just in case the other person wants any as well, love is allowing someone to break your heart but trusting that they won't. 
love is allowing someone to see the dark part of yourself that you'd rather be hidden to the world, love is allowing yourself to feel vulnerable and open.
love is trying so fucking hard for someone, for them to know that they are yours completely and undeniably. 

we all have some kinda love in us, whether it be for another human or an animal, or even just whatever makes you the fucking happiest. For me, what truly makes me the happiest are the words inside my brain. words are so so powerful and voices are probably more powerful yet people don't write and don't talk about issues that need to be spoken about. 
we lack the mindset that allows us to have conversations about what isn't good in the world. 

the idea that we are all so capable of love yet some of us choose to be toxic is quite mind blowing to me, nobody was born full of hate and nobody is taught to be neglectful of other peoples feelings yet we live in some societal mess that says we should just accept the love that's given to us. 
we shouldn't always have to be cold and closed off. 

i used to speak to someone that thought it was perfectly okay to hurt me because i'd never leave. i'd never leave him like the several times he'd left me, mainly for the fact i actually felt love for him, i accepted his flaws, his mistakes, his fears. i became jealous of the way he'd be fine without me, how the way i'd be breaking and crying myself to sleep yet he'd be fine, going to see his mates, doing drugs, not. giving. a. simple. fuck. 

but the thing is with love, it isn't restrictive and it doesn't stop at loving others. you possibly cannot love another human being intimately if you don't love yourself the same way. you can never ever stop learning about yourself. what you like, what you dislike, what your favourite thing is about yourself.  
i learned to love myself, inside and out. i used to hate the way my body looked, i'd literally be so grossed out at myself but i learnt that the little lines and beauty marks on my body are what makes me, me. 
i weren't ever that confident in my body but i'll admit i'm obsessed with it, it never gave up on me and honestly, i deserve to feel so goddamn proud of it. i've came along way from being that girl who would starve herself to now allowing herself to eat whatever the fuck she wants without feeling guilty. 

love is a very powerful emotion and it isn't to be fucked around with. 

L x


Wednesday, 10 May 2017

..love part 2?

the fear of love.

love in itself is scary,
you have to build this trust with another human being, 
you have to learn their likes and dislikes,
they have to learn yours,
you have to commit to another human being and trust that they won't drop you when shit hits the fan.

I once had a bestfriend that I wrote about alot in this blog and he'd even write posts when I couldn't form a proper sentence let alone a whole post but he left, I've wrote countless amount of posts about him leaving etc as well.
However, before I started dating him, I had this idea of what love is and it's all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns but it's quite the opposite.

The problem is,
Love isn't 100% all of the time.
Some of the time I'd go to sleep after an argument and cry because I knew like I literally had this gut feeling that he'd leave and choose something better. I knew it wouldn't last forever but I thought he was my forever.

Love scares me, lets get real for a second..
I've got this fear about relationships, like I know who I want to be with but things aren't always black and white yano? There's always the grey areas surrounding these things..
I used to be the most paranoid, insecure person ever.

I have this bestfriend that taught me how to get over someone that didn't love me back, and to be quite honest he was absolutely brutal with me, he told me the things I needed to hear but didn't want too. Of course I didn't always listen and ended up more hurt than I thought I coulda been but some guy hurting me again made me and my bestfriend the closest so I thank you Mr Fucking Heartbreaker.

Love.
Love isn't crying yourself to sleep overthinking about what you did wrong,
Love isn't second guessing yourself,
Love isn't accepting hurt in fear that they'll leave,
Love isn't being on your guard 24/7.

Right now, I have come across alot of people's perceptions of love and I feel so many different types of love.. I feel love so strongly and passionately like I never do anything half assed especially when it comes to this.
I'm literally obsessed with my bestfriend, I'd even go as far as saying I'm his biggest fan the wally.
I wanna be with someone that I can just sing and jam out with, I wanna be with someone that's a complete bloody dork but the best type of dork. Someone that just gets me and I wanna feel like he's the person I've been missing out on my entire life like I just want shit to feel right.

L x



Monday, 8 May 2017

mental health awareness week..

This week isn't going to change anything, it isn't going to suddenly make everyone nicer, more open minded and less of a dick.
It's not going to suddenly make everyone realise that mental health is an actual illness, it's not going to make politicians more aware of how bad it can get, it isn't going to make people like Piers Morgan realise that it can be so deadly, it affects men, women, young and old. 

But what it can do is help people in need. It can show people that haven't told anyone how they feel that they aren't alone. It can help parents of young people struggling and it can guide people to find the right resources when needed.

Talking helps.
 This is coming from someone who absolutely hates talking about feelings and just hates feeling vulnerable. 
I didn't wanna talk, I didn't wanna tell anybody. I was so scared of what people would think and if they'd even understand because I didn't understand the things that were going round and round in my head. 
So how could anybody else?

I always thought I could just get over it and I didn't need anyone's help. 
WRONG.

I couldn't just 'get over it'. I couldn't make myself better when all I was really doing was making myself worse. Bottling up all these negative, angry thoughts, keeping them going round and round in my head. 
I thought if people ever knew I was struggling they'd think I was weak and pathetic, I thought I'd let my mum down. 
I didn't want my dad or my siblings to know. 

I was petrified of how differently I'd be treated. I'd stay up late and think about what would my family think if I suddenly told them how things really were? 

How would my brother react? He's one of the strongest people I know and honestly, I thought he'd think it was just attention seeking and pathetic. 

BUT, I opened up. I told my mum aka my life saver. 
She would spend nights researching about what to do, how she could get help for me, especially at school. 
She'd take me to the doctors and I'd have to have appointments almost every week, I'd always see leaflets about this charity called 'Beat' all about eating disorders and for once I felt some hope.

I didn't realise how many people were feeling the exact same as myself, I thought nobody would understand but the amount of people that actually do and they aren't even just saying that either. They know how it really is to live with mental illnesses. 
If you're struggling right now and you happen to read this post, I want YOU to know that although it really fucking sucks right now, it does ease up once you tell someone whether that's a friend, a family member or you speak to someone anonymously on a charity website. 


''Depression isn't beautiful. Depression is bad hygiene, dirty dishes and a sore body from sleeping to much. '' 
Depression isn't you and your mental illness/es aren't YOU.

YOU are strong.
YOU are courageous,
YOU are worth it.

You aren't alone, it feels like you are but you really aren't. There's so many people out there that feel the exact way you do and there's so many people that just wanna help you feel better as well.

This young girl here - this is me. I was able to get help and I was able to finally get somewhat of a grip of my mind. 
I know shit isn't always going to be good, but I also know it isn't always going to be bad either.

Please don't give up on yourselves. 

L x




Monday, 1 May 2017

..suicide - part 2.

As promised part 2.

What does suicide mean to me?
For me, it means my fight is finally over. It means being too strong for so long and then finally accepting defeat. 
It's something I've spent alot of time thinking about, I always used to thin about how I'd do it, when I'd do it, what would happen after? 

It got to a point where I no longer cared about any of that, I just wanted to be gone. I wanted to feel free, like if my favourite song is on and I get up and dance I wanna feel that type of free but all the time. It's become a daily thought of mine again, I know I'm struggling and I know that's okay but I don't wanna always feel this unpredictability that comes with anxiety and depression.
I don't know if I'll wake up feeling good and want to actually get dressed and go out or if I'll want to stay in bed all day just looking at my ceiling wanting to just disappear. 

Don't get me wrong I don't wanna die, I just sometimes I wish I just didn't exist because feeling the way I do is a complete mindfuck. 
One day I can be SO happy like literally proper beamin with happiness and the next I'm trying to stop myself from breaking down every 2 seconds. 
Even when I'm feeling my absolute worst I'll plaster this fake ass smile on my face so nobody can see my vulnerability, I've always been scared of people seeing me be vulnerable. I've always hated showing any sad or upset emotion, I don't want people to perceive me as 'weak' or 'delicate' because I'm neither of those things.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere.

L x