Wednesday, 28 December 2016

my relationship with anxiety..

I haven't really been writing alot lately because I've had some stuff going on but I feel like this is a post I've wanted to write for so long and I've not entirely felt free from this but I feel like today is a good time to finally write about it..

My relationship with anxiety has been an extremely long one, there was a time when I'd cry at just the thought of leaving my house and then I pushed and pushed myself of course I had the help of my parents and my siblings but nobody could really force me to go out because I'd panic and I'd literally be so so scared of any place that wasn't my home.
After a while it got easier to go out and Id actually enjoy it, however if I'd go out all the time I'd be so overwhelmed because I'd need time to just be by myself..

In my last relationship we'd literally argue over going out because of course I could go to his house but actually going out to places with him was tough, he could never really understand why though and it's hard to explain something to somebody when they just don't get it. Some of the time I'd go on buses to see him and that's fine but then still people couldn't understand how I could still be anxious but really, if I had to go on two buses to see the man I loved I'd do it. I'd push my anxiety to the side and focus on seeing him in the end after it. You know, my anxiety was ridiculous when I was with him. I was so focused on him doing something bad that I could never truly enjoy the moment for what it was and I guess that's why I wanted to just stop all of this.
I didn't want to constantly be driven by this anxiety, I used to have nightmares every single night, I'd wake up crying and he couldn't understand why and neither could I to be quite honest.
I realised after it ended though that how could it have ever worked out for a long time if I didn't help myself?

I needed to help myself before I let anybody in and that's why anxiety is such a dickhead. You can be in a room full of people and still feel like the loneliest person. You feel like everybody's talking about you and you're constantly on guard, and honestly to live a life like that it's so fucking exhausting. Constantly being on edge and thinking everybody's out to get you turns you into a paranoid nervous wreck and eventually that's what I became.
I always wanted more for myself in terms of my anxiety but I thought ''Well, he's never going to leave me and he's always going to be there so I can just rely on him instead..''
Probably the worst thing I could have done, you should never ever rely on somebody unless it's your parents or family or whatever.

You get so sure that nobody's ever going to leave you and then when they actually do, you feel broken. Like you'll never be you.. you'll never be happy and you literally put yourself into such a state of panic that you scare yourself by overthinking all of this. You constantly hurt yourself by overthinking stuff you can't change and that's where I kept getting lost. I over thought about everything, I was so sure it'd never be over and essentially that relationship being over helped me.
It put me in my place and at first I just thought fuck it I'll start meeting other guys I'll be fine, and that wasn't the case at all because I felt shit when I'd come back home. I still spoke to my ex up until my birthday when he let me down again but I'm happy he did because I was so besotted with him but I knew he'd never change and him standing me up on my birthday proved that as well.

I wanted to start going out, to not be controlled by anxiety and I did start going out, well I have started going out. On one of the nights I was out I had a really bad panic attack and I had to put more effort into focusing on feeling better. Someone made me realise that I'm more than anxiety. It's a nerve wracking thought to be over anxiety because it's been with me for so long now and everytime I start to feel better, it lets me know it's still here and I don't want that constant reminder of it.

Anxiety can be numbing, making you not care about yourself and the people around you, it can make you extremely distant. I've made some shitty decisions and I take 100% responsibility for it, I was full of fear how people would react to certain things so I kept it quiet when I really shouldn't have. I've realised that good communication is needed for absolutely everything, every relationship you have whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend or family and friends, you need to open up and talk about the things that make you happy because then you and them will have a better understanding of how you're all feeling. Recently I've lacked communication and understanding and honestly I wish I was more open with my mama. The fear of disappointing the people you love the most is what eventually makes you disappoint them more by hiding stuff.

If you all want more posts like this lemme know, I love writing about these kinda topics haha.

L x