Wednesday, 21 December 2016

this blog.

This is a personal post to all my readers out there.. so here goes..

Throughout writing this blog I've wrote about a complete mixture of things. Being in a relationship, getting absolutely heartbroken, conquering my fears etc. So once again I'm going to tell you all about a little something/someone.

The other night I had a panic attack whilst I was out, but because I'm so fucking lucky I had someone calm me down and although I was basically on the verge of crying they saved the day. I hadn't had someone that isn't family say and be genuine about wanting to help me conquer anxiety again.
I kept saying he didn't understand and that's because I was so fucking scared of him understanding, it wasn't because I think he's going to leave or anything but because I don't want pity. Literally that is the last thing I want, ever.

I haven't had many people enter my life and me feel secure and sure that they aren't a dickhead, I'm starting to feel alot less anxious and I think I was addicted to the feeling of anxiety because I was so scared of feeling anything other than anxious and overwhelmed.
I know I'm slowly going back to that outgoing person I was way before any of this and it's such a daunting feeling because I'm not used to feeling this content with how shit is.

The feeling of disappointment from my parents and my sister is something that hurts more than they realise, the look on their faces when I've fucked up like recently I know my decisions could have been alot better but it's hard. It's hard when I'll wanna go out everyday and because they aren't used to that they get really worried
about me and I wish shit was different. I know I don't make shit easier but idk.

We hit 18 thousand + views on this blog earlier and I'd just like to say how grateful I am for every single one of you that takes the time out to read this, I wanted to create this because I'm probably the most closed off person but I love writing and I enjoy writing about things I'm extremely passionate about. Writing about things like this which mean so fucking much to me has helped my anxiety too, it's like this big weight is slowly getting lifted off my chest and getting up in a morning is starting to get easier..
I'm writing this because it's almost Christmas, and it'll soon be ONE year since I started writing and thinking about this entire year is crazy to me, there's so many people who were in my life this time last year and now there's new people that I never thought I'd have in my life. (WHICH I'M EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR.)

I'm gonna add pictures from this year that have made me so fucking happy now, so enjoy.

Have a wonderful Christmas and stay positive.

If you ever wanna talk -
INSTA - livnizzzle_

L x 

MY sister..

This is my sister..

You're one of a kind. 
You have the kindest heart, you're literally the most selfless person I know. 
This is my sister Jade. She's my older sister which means she's over protective as fuck and it does get crazy annoying. 

However, she's one of the loveliest people.. shit hasn't been easy for her at all but she's not let anything get her down. She's dealt with a ridiculous amount of stuff, stuff which I know I couldn't deal with as well as she has.

She's stayed up with me when I've been crying over some lame ass boy and she's been there when I've been so happy I could cry. I'm writing this now with a huge smile on my face.
She doesn't always understand but she tries her absolute hardest to try, I haven't always been the best little sister and I know her dealing with my shit as well as her own has been ridiculously tough on her too, more than I realise.

Of course we don't agree on everything and we do have a fuck tonne of arguments but this girl is truly a fucking gem. She is a one of a kind, and I couldn't be any happier she's my sister. 
I told her I'd write a post about her ages ago so I'm sticking to my promise now. 

Now Jade,
I love you more than words can ever explain. I'm proud as punch to have you as my sister, you're the best thing and I love ya.

Don't you ever go changing for anybody because you're beautiful, you have the kindest soul and I know you're going to make someone so fucking proud to have you because I'm proud to be related to you.

L x


Being in a relationship with your bestfriend sounds amazing. I want to be with someone I just click with, who accepts all my weird little quirks and the random outbursts of whatever bullshit I come out with.

I've allowed myself to be unhappy, constantly anxious about how someone feels about me or if they're going to leave. But the truth is eventually everybody leaves you, you've just got to find someone that makes you feel less worried they're going to leave.
 I used to plan everything like in my last relationship I planned that at a certain I'd get married, have babies, etc. I realise how pressurizing that is now but I planned everything because I thought he'd leave so if we'd have all these plans he couldn't and that's so fucked up, I know.

I've allowed myself to be in a state of panic, paranoia and fear. I was so scared everybody around me would leave me that I never truly enjoyed every last second I spent with these people and I regret that massively. However, I'm extremely secure with the people I'm currently spending my time with and I cannot stress anymore that you really just have to let go of the people that make you second guess yourself constantly.
I'm genuinely happy, like I'm so content with how things have turned out. There's people that have really just made me happy. There's some people that have made effort and tried to understand me, some of them even read this so you'll know who you are.

I thought I'd never be able to get over Rhys and honestly I have. I thought I'd still be pining over him, we were good together but so so much better apart. That heartbreak taught me alot and it changed my perception and outlook on things. I have to allow myself happiness and that's what I'm finally doing, I'd have nightmares EVERY single night it'd usually be something fucked up but now.. I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face every single night and I couldn't be anymore prouder with myself for finally letting myself be happy.

.... to be continued.