Friday, 28 October 2016

Late night thoughts..

When my relationship ended a close friend of mine said 'I wish I could be like you, you're so strong.' I just wanted to tell them that I'm not, I wasn't over this relationship that had ended. I lost my bestfriend because I believed I made him unhappy, was that the full truth? Fuck no but it's what I'd been made to believe at the time.
I had this thought of, what if it all just ended here? What would happen, would people finally change or would nothing change?
I had this feeling of what if, what if I just ran away and left all my problems here? I wanted to be free of this heartbreak, I didn't want it to be apart of me now..

I wanted to talk to loads of people and always go out, to fill the emptiness for just a few hours. I knew it wouldn't get him off my mind but I just wanted to feel something, anything but this constant pain. I wanted everybody to believe I was fine and over it, I wanted to act as if I didn't care at all and I'd just forgotten about it, but I hadn't. I met this guy someone who I used to speak too infact, at a coffee shop and it's quite funny because whilst I was just sat in this coffee shop waiting to meet someone else, he popped up and it was cool, he wanted to catch up again so I agreed too.
I'd seen him again after that and I couldn't pin point what it was but something just didn't feel right, he'd made it clear he wanted to be alot more than friends but I couldn't commit to that and he just didn't understand why...
The emptiness just got bigger. and bigger aaaaaaand bigger. I'd go out and even get to know people that I knew I wouldn't have a future with, the saying 'hurt people, hurt people' if that even makes sense.

I'd wear make up everyday to mask everything because I knew I wouldn't cry, this shit is too expensive to ruin. I'd keep it on til I was just about to sleep. I'd stay locked in my bedroom after I'd be out all of the day, mainly for the fact I knew I'd just be sat there with my thoughts going around my brain, over and over and over again. I'd be woken up by nightmares constantly, I used to love sleeping but it became a fear. I feared sleeping because I'd get woken up by the same nightmare, again and again and again.

I used to be one of them people that believed everybody had a good heart, whether they'd done bad things or everybody just thought they were trouble, I'd still believe they had a good heart but I realised that not everybody is gonna have a heart like mine, but I so desperately still wanted to believe there was so much more than I made him unhappy and I eventually found out it wasn't me.
I've been told I should hate him and I shouldn't give him no attention but I know he has a good heart, I was with him almost 2 years. I know he isn't a bad person, it just ended very badly.

But now, now I feel the calm. I no longer feel choked by my own thoughts. I still think about it all the time but I think of being happy. I think about being so happy I happy danced, I think of being so genuinely truly in love that nothing else in the world mattered. I think about meeting my bestfriend for the first time and realising this was what love was.
There's times where I literally had to be strong, for everything, for him, for me because I knew otherwise he'd be gone in an instance. I had to be strong because feeling numb and sorry for myself wasn't getting me anywhere.
I had to be strong because if it was worth it it'd come back to me one day and I had so much hope, I'm still full of hope. Never give up on the people you love because they may just need you and are scared to let you know.