Saturday, 22 October 2016

suicidal thoughts..

As you can tell by the title of this post, it's going to be about suicidal thoughts and my experiences in feeling that low. Before I start the whole post I just wanna say that, you're all worth it, every single one of you that read my posts whether it's on a daily basis or not, YOU deserve everything the world has to offer and you need to remember that..

To be honest there's so much I could write about, so I'll start off by writing about recent shit and then go back..

As you all know my relationship ended and I was scared, I was scared of not having him to rely on or if I had a bad nightmare who was gonna be there to calm me down? I feared my future, I feared not being with the man I loved. I couldn't stand to be in my own room because he was supposed to live there too. The day it ended, I felt as if everything around me had suddenly gone to shit and honestly I didn't want to exist anymore. It wasn't the fact that my relationship ended but I'd lost my future, I'd lost my bestfriend, the person I could call whenever I needed too, I'd lost someone I relied on and him not being in my life scared me because I was again, alone.
SO many people in my life have left me, whether it's been friends or bestfriends, they've left me and I've been on my own and I never once thought I'd go back to feeling all of that again, and I did.

I couldn't stand to be in my own company there's so many things I just wanted to say yet I couldn't speak without my voice going and I'd break down all over again. I started going out because I figured that would take my mind off him for atleast a couple hours, I started talking to other guys thinking I'd feel so over him afterwards and I didn't. I felt like my heart was so broken that I was living. Days went quicker when I'd go out or if I'd have a couple beers, things got easier on the outside but it never left my fucking head.
I find that I still wear this mask, this full face of make up and this big cheesy smile just so noone can see what's really going on..

Now this is going back to when I was still at school..

I did the same thing I did in the last paragraph, I'd do my full makeup, plaster a big smile on my face and convince myself i'ma be okay today and I did that every day before school because I hated it. I hated that nobody could see what I was going through, I hated that my friends didn't even believe me when I'd said I was getting bullied. I'd stopped eating anything at school too so this was where my journey with an eating disorder began to happen.

It was the six week holidays and I'd barely gone to school anyway but seriously I remember this like it happened yesterday. I'd just made some dinner and I'd gone back to sit on my bed and watch some youtube videos and I had a bbm {blackberry messenger} and I was talking to this one boy and in the end it eventually turned out that he was best friends with the girls that bullied me so he'd started to say some bullshit too, so going to school I'd get bullied, in the comfort of my own home I'd get bullied on social media - so I wasn't safe anywhere. I felt like I wasn't meant to be here because this shit wasn't fair.
Of course nobody deserves to be bullied but when you're at your own home whilst you're in your comfort zone, someone makes you feel uncomfortable you feel out of place in the one place you should feel safe and happy. It fucking sucked.

But what I'm trying to get at with this post is that you can't give up, I went from being this young girl that didn't understand why people could be such fucking dickheads to a smart, brave young woman that realised that although people can be complete dickbags, there's some good people out there that are willing to understand and help you so you won't ever feel alone again.

Never ever give anybody the power to break your heart or destroy you mentally and physically because you have the power to change the world, you can do anything with your life and how you want it to turn out.

YOU are brave,
YOU are smart,
YOU are worth it.

x x x