Sunday, 16 October 2016

taking medication..

Hey  guys, I hope you've all had an epic day wherever you may be.. I've spent my day watching documentaries and just relaxing tbh and I realised I've not really wrote a post about going on medication with mental illness so this one is going to be specifically all about that.. enjoy!

Okay so first of all I'll give you a little insight into me - I got severely bullied for years, I then developed an anorexia nervosa which then led to me developing severe anxiety which meant I couldn't stand to be anywhere but my own home and lastly I have depression so trying to look after one problem first is a super big issue..

So, I was in recovery for my eating disorder but I hadn't just got magically better, the thoughts of not eating were constantly in my head and my anxiety was at its peak so as that kept getting worse and my eating was getting slightly better sometimes, I wanted my anxiety to get better too. I'd gone to the doctors and they'd put me on fluoxetine and I hated it.

I hated it because the problems with my eating were coming back and they came back 10x stronger. Instead of it making my anxiety alot more manageable, it made me constantly paranoid about if I put weight on or if I looked different and I'd constantly scrutinize myself until I couldn't bare to look at myself in a mirror again. But I kept taking these pills because all I wanted was to just feel normal, even if it was for a day or a week. I wanted to feel like I had no cares and I wanted to like myself for once.
I'd go round my boyfriends house at the time and I'd literally watch what I ate, I'd eat so slowly too that eventually I'd just be like yeah I'm done, and I knew it was unhealthy but I just couldn't eat properly and take these pills, it was one or the other..

I don't exactly know what was going through my head at the time except I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL!! I didn't want people to think of me differently and people's opinions of me then mattered to me more than my own opinion of myself which sucks massively. But anyway, I just decided to throw all my pills away and from that day on I hadn't looked back.. I was more focused on my eating so I could get that sorted by myself, I wanted to sort of fix myself if that makes sense? I didn't want to have to rely on anything but myself and for the most part that worked.

And now.. I'm eating better well not healthier but it's baby steps right?! I'm able to help myself without needing to rely on others and you don't understand how great that feels. I feel like although I have mega bad days and on the rare occasion very super amazingly good days, I have my shit together and I'm more focused on staying true to who I am and I am a badass bitch that takes no shit from anybody.

the truth.

The other day I got told I should work harder on my blog if it's something I'm passionate about, someone who barely knows me tried to have an opinion on the one thing I care about the most and it really fucking irritated me.

I started writing this blog because I'm not much of a talker yet I can easily write my feelings and how I'm feeling down. I wanted to have a safe place for me to vent too and just in general talk too because I was insanely scared of losing my boyfriend {I don't know why but yeah}. With this blog I have wrote about everything, the happiness I've felt, the sadness, the heartbreak - every fucking thing.

For a VERY long time this blog was the one thing that made me look forward to waking up, there were so many times that I'd have much rather not existed than feel the way I did. There were times very recently too that I had so much stuff going round and round in my head yet I didn't wanna talk about it so I wrote posts about it, not every post is going to positive or cheerful because that isn't how I feel. Alot of the time I feel constantly on edge, I put this facade up so noone can really see if I'm full of panic and anxiety or if I just don't want to be here or anything really -  this blog is the one thing that genuinely keeps me going.

I've been in abit of a rough patch recently, my mind is a constant mess and living with mental illness on a 24/7 day to day basis is fucking tough man. How are you really meant to find motivation out of wanting to just hide under your duvet and never come up again???? It's so challenging to motivate yourself to do something when you don't even have the energy too. I'm not this confident happy person that people think I am, I struggle hard but I never ever let people see this struggle because I'm a very proud person so no way is anybody gonna see me down and if they do then that's when shit has got real.

I'm human, I suffer with anxiety and my eating on a day to day basis so nobody can ever tell me I don't try. It's hard to get out of bed every morning so for me to sit down and write exactly how I'm feeling? That's harder.