Sunday, 4 September 2016

untitled.

TRUST.

It's a big issue for me, I hate not trusting someone and I hate trusting them too much. I used to put too much trust into people like I never believed people could be so bad, even when I was younger I'd put so much trust into strangers.
Trusting people too much and too little has always and will always probably be my downfall, I have no in between I either trust you too much or far too little. We could be friends for say 10 years and I still wouldn't trust you at all, I'd still be your friend, I just wouldn't trust you.

Maybe I trust people too little because of my experience that people can be really fucking shitty. Or maybe it is because most of the population IS really fucking shitty.
I always wanted loads of friends and I always wanted to be someone people liked whether or not I liked me, I always focused more on what other people thought of me rather than what I thought of me and looking back now I shouldn't of allowed myself to become like that because I was pretty fucking awesome before I changed.

It takes a strong and courageous person to admit their flaws right? MINE are that I'm paranoid people are always going to fuck me over whether it's people I've met on social media whilst writing this blog or people in my real day to day life. I overthink to the point that I'll cry at situations that haven't even happened yet but I'll still worry about them every single day. I let one thing ruin my day like even if other people think its insignificant it'll ruin the rest of my day and be on my mind for WEEKS.
I'm not a perfect person, there's literally so many things I wish I didn't give a fuck about but I'm slowly learning what matters and what really doesn't.

CONFIDENCE.

Something of which I have NOT got. I'll wear clothes that'll make me feel some type of way, like if the clothes I wear portray me as a confident young woman then I'll wear them regularly. Even if inside I don't feel confident wearing it. Like the other day I bought some clothes from missguided - which were, a body suit and a dress and I usually wouldn't wear bodysuits because it's literally the thing I hate most about my body being on show more than it should really but I've worn it a couple times now and my boyfriend has said how I look so good in it and shit like that but I still feel like I'm far too big for it - just my opinion.

When I was younger I never really struggled with not being confident, I was always over confident like for a long period of time I didn't care if nobody loved me cos I goddamn loved me but like I've said in alota posts that's where School changed it for me. I always put this facade on because I want to give the vibe off that I'm confident and I love my body but obviously I don't, I just feel like right now is the perfect time to get this all off my chest.

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I struggle alot more than I let people believe I do, when I first started writing this post my heart started to beat fast like abnormally fast and it's so hard to put posts out that aren't always super fucking positive but I don't want anybody to get bored of me so I'm nervous about that too.

I'm gonna leave it there for now, maybe there'll be an untitled part 2 who knows.

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