Thursday, 21 July 2016


Suicide isn't something I've really spoken about in detail, but I figured it might help people if I wrote a post completely and utterly dedicated about it, so here goes...

Suicide isn't something to joke or make a meme of it because it's genuine real life. You may think words over the internet have no effect on people's lives but words hurt just as much as physical pain can.
I've always kept quiet about stuff relating to this topic because it's raw and personal for me. I always wanted to not exist, I didn't want to die but I just fought so hard to try and not exist.. but how do I explain that to the people closest to me?

I had anorexia and I hid it for so long because I knew people would be ashamed of it or something like that, and the thing is I didn't want my family to find me dead one morning mainly for the fact I knew they'd blame themselves but I never wanted to die like literally forever die. Me starving myself WAS my way of slowly killing myself, it ruined me inside and outside.
I'd rather admit I had no problem rather than telling people I had this problem, I usually do hate talking about this but I figured I've wrote posts that are just as bad so why not.

When I have my really bad days I still want to not exist, there's no particular reason for it I just don't want to be here. It's weird because I wouldn't write anything like that because it isn't going to help anybody that reads this but I still want to help you realise that even though I've got over the worse of it I still fight a daily battle within myself yet I'm on top.
I had a bit of a bad day today but that's okay because I put my fingers on my wrist and felt my pulse, I'm alive still but I believe I'm here for a purpose and it's me being able to feel my heartbeat that's keeping me here still.


O x


Hey guys, I never write shit like this to my siblings but because I'm occasionally a sarcastic dickhead I thought I'd write something for them so I hope you all enjoy )

~ Ben ~

I'm writing to you first because there's things I've not wrote or told you about..
I'm glad you're happy, like even Rhys thinks it's so good. One time when Rhys was at ours and he saw you just before you were leaving to get the train to see Messaline you were so happy, literally you looked like a chipmunk you were smiling that much.
I know I've acted like I don't care that you're moving out or whatever but as much as I'm gonna miss you picking on me I'm glad you've found someone that makes you feel the way you do when you eat brownies.

Just because I've wrote that you were my best friend when we always played golf that doesn't mean you aren't anymore. You're someone I look up to because you're everything I wanted to be. You're successful and you're happy and you're strong.
I know it was difficult for you when I wasn't eating and I promise you I try to eat loads every day but you saw how bloated my belly got, and when it looks like that I get paranoid and panicky. I don't allow you to understand sometimes because I don't want to let you down but anyway, stay happy.

~ Jade ~

Do I really need to write how proud of you I am? You annoy and piss me off so much but the thing is you mean well. Like when you sent my blog link to loadsa people and I hadn't known but it literally got so far and I can thank you for that.
You've been through hell an back yet you're still the most caring, selfless person I know.
Me and you in particular have been through some shit that I never imagined we'd have to go through and when I was ill you'd come to so many appointments so I didn't feel alone and you truly supported me throughout it all.

There's one thing I've always admired about you and that's when things aren't going right for you and I'm having a really bad day you'll push your shit to the side and try and make me feel better. I don't talk openly to you or anyone really because I struggle with shit like that, I always have.
But just remember YOU always have a purpose in life.

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