Thursday, 16 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 36.

Whenever I speak to someone the thing that's always asked is 'how're you?'
Do YOU really want to know or are you just being polite?

I feel broken, like a jigsaw puzzle and there's pieces that just never fit so you can never complete it.
I smile, I always do whenever I'm with anybody, I smile. Purely because mental illness is my biggest weakness. It's something I can't fight physically because it's always in my head.. How can you tell people you're fighting a battle with yourself, in your head?
I never wanted to speak out about my eating disorder, because every fucking day it was breaking me down until I had no fight in me, I wanted to give up, so I'm going to write a letter to all the people that want to know like REALLY know how it feels to have an eating disorder from someone who still suffers right now. Enjoy.

Dear people,

I was starting high school when I started to starve myself, it's funny because I say it like it's an every day occurrence. I went from being deliriously happy to wanting to end my life in the matter of a couple of months, I went from being a confident kid with her whole future planned to hating every inch of my body and no longer wanting to go out anywhere.
It started off as I'd not eat dinner at school and I'd just pick at food, then the thought of eating made me feel like I was gonna be sick and eventually that's what happened.

My day to day life went from always being at school and having the occasional day off to ALWAYS then being at hospital appointments or counselling.. it was a never ending cycle and all I ever wanted was for it to be over. 
I grew up hating my body, myself, EVERYTHING about myself really. I still do, but I'm alot less obvious about it, I hide behind nice dresses and make up because I hate people knowing my weaknesses.



I crave the feeling of 'normality' whilst stopping myself from doing what I want to do for the fear someone won't like it.
I always got told by teachers that I had to be 'resilient', or I'd get told by people that I'd 'get over this', you all want the truth? You never get over it.
It ALWAYS stays with you, I've had the voices that tell me I'm not good enough or I need to lose more weight stuck in my head since I was ill, and that's what stops me from feeling 'normal'.

I've become paranoid, insecure and I barely trust anybody and let's be real even if I do trust ya, I'm 100% gonna lurk the fuck outta you til I find something and eventually I'll find something I don't like and you'll have to justify that but I'll start an argument and say I want nothing more to do with you because of the fact I wanted you to be decent, for once and you let me down like everyone else has.

My eating disorder has never left and I doubt it ever will.
Have you ever just looked in a mirror and picked at all the bits you don't like about yourself?
I hate my belly, I hate my legs, I hate the way my body's proportioned and most of all, I hate the way I look and I've got to wake up every day with the same feeling but plastering a smile on instead. Brilliant.

I know my boyfriend wrote that I wouldn't be writing til I came home but it's been playing on my mind for a while now and I needed to write my thoughts down before I went crazy.
To be continued..
Ox.