Thursday, 9 June 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 31.

Hey guys, my last few posts have been in the style of letters mainly because its the things I want to say but I can't actually put into words.. I had the idea of writing a letter to the people that bullied me but instead of it going to them, it'll go to you guys. Mostly because I want YOU all to know whether you're getting bullied now or you have been bullied that YOU deserve so much better than this, and YOU aren't alone.
Enjoy :)

Dear my bullies,
How can I say this? 
You ruined my life and made me feel like it was my fault,
you turned my friends into disloyal fucks and you made me alone.
Everyone said for me to just ignore you but how could I even have the chance to ignore you when YOU were always there!

I actually used to like school and you ruined that for me, I got over that but one thing I never got over?
I'd be at home on my phone and you'd make my home feel unsafe. You were everywhere, I practically couldn't escape you.
I remember just being sat on my bed with my phone in my hand and I'd been talking to some guy on BlackBerry Messenger {old I know} and at first he was nice, and then I'd realised you were behind all this, you all laughed at me and I felt like somewhere in life I'd deserved this.

You made me feel disgusted in myself, at home, a place where it's meant to be a safe place, an escape really.. you'd ruined that because it made you and your friends laugh whilst it made me make myself sick and cry on my bathroom floor.

I'd go to sleep and I'd have nightmares, but I wouldn't want to wake up because the nightmares started to be better than reality, you made me convince myself I wasn't worth anything and I started to believe what you all said.

"You're ugly"
"You're fat"
"Noone likes you"

The 3 main things I focused on, which ultimately lead to me having an eating disorder.
You made a young girl that loved sport and loved going out hate everything. 
I'd hate going out, I used to play golf and I'd stopped doing that. 

You made me feel alone and worthless, I always thought this was my fault that maybe if I'd of just kept quiet and not even hang round with my friends in the first place that maybe, just maybe if I hadn't of annoyed you or said the wrong thing then maybe this wouldn't of ever happened.
I've always said what I believed in and I've always had strong high morals so if I think something is wrong, I'll say it.

If you didn't like me, that's fine but what gave you the right to bully me? I'd always laugh it off or say nothing whilst you'd walk past me and say shit. 

I remember going to the doctors with my mum because I desperately needed help, whether it was with my anxiety or my eating disorder, I'd wait for a few weeks then get another counselor and I'd have to tell them everything which started this whole bullshit. Everytime I told them it  felt so raw and hurt more and more each time. 
I stopped going to school even after you'd left because even after you'd left nothing had changed. The head teacher wouldn't listen to me, nobody understood me.

The only teacher that actually listened was in 3d. I stayed in there for a while then I stopped going to school altogether.

You made my relationships with people hard, I always think they're going to up and leave and I don't trust people. I always trusted people even if they were the wrong type of people to trust, I'd always give them the benefit of the doubt but I don't. 

I wanted to die because of how YOU made me feel, there's days where I still feel like that too. I'm struggling trying to love myself as a person and your just going on with your life, moving on from what happened in school. I envy that, I really do. 
I really wish I could just move on and never think about any of this bullshit again but you made me hate myself to the point that I'd starve myself so I'd be slowly fucking dying. How can I just move on from that? 

I can't move on but I know for a fact I'm better than what you put me through, I didn't deserve that so you know what?

Anybody that reads this blog is going to know if they've been bullied or made to feel like they're nothing, I'm going to make sure that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU that's going to read this know that YOU do matter, YOU are worth everything and more and finally.. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

thankYOU for giving me a reason to want to help other people so nasty little fucks like you can't get away with this bullshit.

As always if you wanna talk - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox.

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 30.

This is another post that's gonna be in the form of a letter type thing. Hope you're all feeling good and let's get started..

Dear Mama, 
I never wanted you to know I was getting bullied because I hated to admit it.
I was ashamed of it.
I was ashamed that I couldn't stand up for myself, 
I'd always acted cocky and I could always stick up for myself but I'd lost my voice. 

To tell you the truth, if you hadn't of found that letter which was from the girls that bullied me.. 
You'd of probably never known.
I didn't really want you to know because I always said to myself, "I'd sort it".

I never wanted you to know how much I was hurting, I never wanted you to know how much I'd skip school just so I didn't have to be in class with people that actually hated me.
You'd make me butty's for dinner and I'd always end up throwing them in the bin but leaving the bag you'd put them in, in my bag still so you'd think I ate them.

I used to LOVE going out, but the thought of going out actually made me cry and I remember you and Jade were wanting to go out and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 
I hated wearing normal clothes, my grey nike trackies and hoodies became my favourite thing to wear.
I became more secretive, I didn't want you knowing how I was feeling, I didn't want you to know I was starving myself because all I wanted in this world was to die.
I'd get angry and frustrated then cry and cry and cry, I'd lock myself in the bathroom because it had become my safe place.

I didn't want you to know I was living in pain.
But when you did find out, it felt like I was free.
 Free from holding in this secret.
I remember you just holding me whilst I just cried in your arms and I think you'd always known your little girl was suffering but you just didn't know to what extent. 

I was no longer alone, it was me and you.
You were my voice, you said all the things I couldn't bring myself to say.
YOU fought for me when I didn't have the strength to fight for myself, you fought for me with school, you fought for me with doctors, and you fought for me with EVERYTHING.

You'd beg and plead with me til I ate but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it for you, I didn't want to do it.
I wanted to leave this world but you wouldn't let me.
I chose to start eating again, I knew I had a purpose..

I just didn't know what it was, yet.

I realised I had to help more people that were in this situation, that had no voice.
I had to do what my mama did, and I created this blog, so show every single one of YOU that no matter how bad you're feeling, YOU aren't alone and you never will be whilst I'm on this Earth.

ThankYOU mama for inspiring me, thankYOU for never giving up on me and most of all thankYOU for being the voice for me whilst I'd lost mine.
I love you always.

Ox.