Sunday, 15 May 2016

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 19.

I told you that feeling good shit wouldn't last..
Do you ever just start thinking about something and you start feeling that pit of your stomach arriving like it literally feels like you've got this big ass pit at the bottom of your stomach and it just makes you wanna be sick but you can't be sick. If any of that makes any type of sense anyway.

I hate thinking about the future because that means there's going to be some obvious change happening soon and it scares me. I'm literally petrified of change, I'm starting to feel the emptiness type feeling come back. I know change has to happen its just inevitable obviously but I don't want it now. Everything is how it should be for the most part and obviously if it changes then who knows what's gonna happen then?

Maybe I'll have to change along with this bullshit. It's such a lonely feeling.

How're you all feeling? Hope you've had a beautiful day wherever you are..
As always feel free to message me or comment on here..

livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox.

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 18.

I'm back again!!

I just wanted to add a new post because I'd seen this new buzzfeed video about when people tell you how good you look after losing weight and how complimenting someones weight does alot more harm than good and it really is true because even when people try compliment you saying how 'skinny' or how 'tiny' your body is, it affects your mental health alot more I personally think so anyway.

I personally just feel awkward when someone tries to say how tiny I am because I sometimes feel like saying 'oh, you should of seen me a few years ago. Then I really was tiny.' The fact of the matter is that ALL the time I'm still thinking I could easily slip into that same cycle of not eating or not eating properly anyway. I had a really severe eating disorder and on top of that I had severe anxiety and depression and on top of ALL that I was still trying to deal with getting bullied and all of that on top of each other fucking suck. Literally, how can you possibly get better any time soon when anorexia and anxiety basically counteract each other, you feel so shit with not eating and drinking but then you're trying to feel better with anxiety and it's just a big fucking mess.
But once my eating got reasonably better I really just had to focus about my anxiety, that kept getting worse and I kept getting more used to feeling numb within myself and I really hated it. After a while I got put on some medication for my anxiety and well after a while I noticed that I'd once again lost control of my eating and I started feeling really scared because I had my boyfriend practically always with me so it'd be much harder to pretend like everything's okay..

{I DO NOT RECOMMEND GOING STRAIGHT OFF THEM!!! TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING DRASTIC LIKE THAT!!!}
I went cold turkey off them pills, and my moods went from BUZZING SO FUCKING HAPPY to I want to fucking kill myself now, I hate the muthafucking world. It was unbelievably tough and I can only imagine how hard it was for the people around me to see me like that but I couldn't control that.
Right now, I'm not taking any medication for anxiety or anything.. I'm not 100% in control of this thing that's always in the back of my head, controlling my every thought but I'm getting far too used to it now...

Please do feel free to message me if you just wanna talk, you're the people that keep this blog running!!
livnizzzle@gmail.com

Love you always,
Ox.

#NEW CHAPTER ~ 17.

Hey loves, how're you all feeling today?

I'm just listening to abit of Yeezy and I've got a super sweet candle lit, so it's time to write!

Just to let you all know now, I've created an email especially for this BLOG! It's livnizzzle@gmail.com so if any of you just wanna talk or you need advice of any sort, just hit me up and I'll reply as quick as I can!!

Today, I'm happy.. I feel really good actually, I feel really hopeful today, I feel like right now I could conquer the world. I know this feeling isn't going to be there forever, but I feel like today is probably the right time to write a good post for once.
I'm calm, and I feel like I've really got to start getting my act together. I stop myself from doing so so many things because of my anxiety, my brain will make my body feel so sick just because I don't want to do something 'normal'.

But, what I really want to do is help YOU. I've been struggling for so long with my issues that I've held myself back from doing stuff I actually want to do, I dropped out of college, I just I regret it now but yeah.
I scare myself into situations which then obviously leads to be getting frustrated and I'll just stop it altogether, I'm weird like that.

Remember what I said before though, weird is crazy good.

Email - livnizzzle@gmail.com

Ox.