Saturday, 12 March 2016

#32.

There's certain situations I desperately wish I could change. Fact.
There's people around me that don't understand why I want to do certain things either, so here is my explanation for this bullshit..

I spent so fricking long being unhappy with myself, every time I tried to be happy with myself and be positive there was negative influences around me, and of course that didn't help at all. I spent so fricking long looking into a mirror and seeing something and someone I didn't like, it made me psychically sick to see pictures of myself or even take pictures of myself because I looked disgusting.
I went through a period of having this constant numbness, I didn't feel anything for anyone, I was emotionless.

Literally, I cared about nothing in this world. I had no friends, no people I'd even talk too, I'd be stuck in my house 24/7 unless I went to doctors appointments or counselling. I trusted no one, I barely trusted myself.
So, being in a state of constant fricking misery isn't healthy let me just say that but no one EVER will understand the pain that's going through your body or your heart. I was on a mission of self destruction and to be honest I didn't care. Family members kept saying do this do that but I couldn't give a shit about it.

I don't know about you guys but when I was growing up I always got told by teachers, my parents, adults blah blah blah.. that you can do anything in this world, you've always got to do stuff that makes you happy. I've now come to a good understanding that when I was little I didn't understand it, I just thought ''oh I can do anything that makes me happy'' but obviously that is not the case, you've got to do stuff that makes YOU happy and the people around you happy. Oh... wait?
How does that make sense? It doesn't right.

But, I've come to the very valid conclusion that NOONE ever in this world gets to have a say on how you want to spend your life, not your parents, not your siblings, NO FUCKING ONE.
Don't let people tell you how to spend your life, because they've got a life of themselves and if they wanna tell you how to live yours then maybe they should probably start doing shit that makes them happy huh.
If I'm in situations that cause me to have anxiety attacks then I'm going to not only do the best thing for me but for my health because there is NO WAY whatsoever that I'm ever going back to the shitty place I was in.

Everyone reading this listen here, never ever let people underestimate you or your dreams, because whilst they've already had their life to live and they've fucked up in some way or whatever they try putting their goals on you and that isn't right at all.
Live for YOU. YOU deserve it, you haven't come all this way just to live your parents or your siblings or anyone else's dreams.

LIVE YOUR DREAMS.

Ox.

#31.

Right enough of stupid relationship posts.. let's get back to where we were..

Hope
Its something we all have, it can be lost very easily when you feel defeated and hopeless.
It can make you feel like mental illness is gonna win, and that you can't survive but boo you can. YOU all can, you don't necessarily need hope, you just need a tiny little bit of self realisation, you need to realise that its tough and its so fucking hard right now, it isn't always gonna be like this.

With mental illness an hour feels like a decade, so feeling hopeless for a couple weeks feels like centuries and months feels like an eternity, but you've got to try and look past it because honestly it isn't always gonna be like this. I got bullied in Primary school because I have an accent, I laughed all that off but then I got bullied again in High school and I can't tell you all just how many times I'd sit in my bathroom on my bathroom floor contemplating whether it'd be worth it to not feel any of this pain again.
I was having a battle within myself, I'm saying this now because I know alot of young people and even older people can understand where I'm coming from because quite frankly bullying happens on a daily basis and I'd love to even just help one of you, no one deserves to feel that kinda pain.

Self realisation is what I needed and still continue to need, you've got to realise why you're still here.. obviously I get it there's been times where you'd love to of just ended it and not be here but YOU'RE HERE. You're able to read this blog on a daily basis, you have a purpose in life.
You ARE great
You ARE worth it
You ARE loved.

Instead of focusing all your energy on shitty negative thoughts, put every last bit of energy you've got into thinking good, positive ones. Wake up every day and think to yourself, ''I may be feeling like utter dogshit right now but it's going to get better soon.''

I love you all boos.

Ox.