Tuesday, 2 February 2016

#16.

'I found my mouth saying to other people the words I should tell to myself'


It's a really great thing to think about other people, but the thing is they aren't near enough as important as YOU. You can say they look amazing, but what about you? You can always look after them when someones broke their heart, but what about when someone breaks your heart? Who's there to comfort you, make you a nice cuppa and tell you everything is going to be okay?

You've got to think, if any of you have little brothers or sisters would you say to them what you say to yourself? Would you tell them they're ugly or fat? Would you make them cry themselves to sleep like you do?

I wouldn't let anyone feel the way I did, but I got myself stuck in a horrible fucking rut and I made myself trapped within my own head, no matter how many counsellors I'd see or no matter how many times my mum begged me to eat or even just come out of my bedroom.. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do them two things for my mum and it broke her heart, she never said that because she just wanted me to get better but I knew it. I'd obviously known that me being ill affected everyone around me too but at the time it only angered me more. I felt like, why the fuck should they feel bad when I feel like this? But the thing is, they didn't understand and people can only understand once you talk.

Talking. Communication.Something I'm fucking shit at. I'm not even bad at talking like I could talk about things I'm interested in for hours but telling someone that I feel so broken that I'd rather be gone than feel this? How are you really expected to tell that to your mum? I know you're probably reading this like she'd rather see her mum break down and shit than get better.. but that isn't the case, although it took months and months which felt like YEARS, DECADES even!! I eventually got better, not for anyone else. Although, I felt like shit that I didn't try and get better for my mum, I did it when I felt like the time was right, I did it when I felt better within myself.

Anorexia and Anxiety. They make each other worse, they never leave you, and even when you do get better they'll stay with you and when you feel low or weak they'll come out of nowhere and make you see your body and yourself in a shitty way. When you feel happy and your just sat around they'll make you over think, over think relationships, over think LIFE, They'll make you want to be ill again but baby we're stronger than that. I haven't been able to trust people, but after all this bullshit I finally feel like I don't answer that negative horrible shit. I am more than fucking anorexia, I am more than anxiety and so are YOU!!!

I'm finally happy. It's still abit of an unnatural feeling to me but I'm finally excited about waking up in a morning or afternoon haha, I'm finally happy with being weak to some people like whenever I just need a little cry, I'm actually happy to cry around my wonderful boyfriend like that sounds fucking stupid but ages ago we watched this documentary about Tyke a beautiful elephant that got killed because she lived a hell of a life, and Elephants are my favourite animal in the whole wide world and literally after I watched it I felt so sad I sat on the floor and just crieeeeeedddddddd!!!!! I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable with my body and with people knowing the 'real' Liv.

Welcome to my happy place beautifuls.

Ox