Sunday, 31 January 2016

#15.

Hey guys!! First of all I'd just like to give a massive thankyou to every one of you that read's this blog, I literally pour my heart and soul into it and I'm just so grateful for all of you just checking it, etc. Right let's get into this now!

I feel like I've been in a war within myself for years, ever since I could remember to be honest. But, it's nearly the end of January 2016 and I'm done with this war. I feel like I'm trying to build myself up as a person and the only person that makes me overthink bullshit is ME! Literally, I've tried for so many years to fit in and be the person everyone likes and I only came to this sweet realisation when me and my boyfriend argued about something so trivial that I was like fuck it. I'm done not being me when I first meet someone, I'm done trying to please people because lets be honest it literally gets you nowhere at all. Ever.

When I was little and I'm sure this was the same for many of you but I wanted to get married, have kids and be rich and live in a castle (yes I wanted to be a princess, don't judge) but as I've grown older, had loads of friends and I've had none.. You don't need people around you to make you happy, and believe it or not you can be happy by yourself!!! Although I've got my family they're kinda biased, but the ONE person except family that I've got is my boyfriend. I'm not even going to say you need to be in a relationship to make you happy because you don't, me and him were friends for MONTHS before anything happened!!
Once YOU realise your self worth, you'll understand who should and shouldn't be in your life and remember boo not everyone deserves you or your friendship.

I probably still don't fit in, but the thing is I'm genuinely happy inside.. I pretended to be so happy for so long that when I did eventually get better and fix up and actually start being happy it was the most unnatural feeling for me. I think I'd of rather been ill AT THE START, but when you get continually happy you'll get used to the feeling and you'll love it. Don't get me wrong, I still have the worst of downers but I feel like the luckiest woman on Earth, I'm a really strong person and I'm so proud of how I overcame all of this bullshit!! First of all, I'm going to tell you all peoples of the internet, I've said this a few times but I'll keep saying it.. this blog is to show YOU you aren't alone, I came off anti depressants and I mean obviously consult your doctor before doing that but I needed to be free and see myself off them, its probably the best thing I did. Yeah I felt like I was going to relapse and become the shell of myself I used to be but I trust myself and I know what's good for me and what isn't..

No matter how far you are on this journey or if you haven't even started it yet its fine!!!! I'm proud of you all, because for you all to even start reading this its a step.. remember baby steps!!

'Nobody really knows how much anyone else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we'd never know. So, be kind always. With yourself, and others.'

Ox